Help Please!

[Terapin]

Hi everyone. Been reading hundreds of threads on here and elsewhere the last few weeks. Finally decided I should just post my story and hopefully get some advice.

So a little background. Married for 11 years. I’m 43, she’s 37, and we have the coolest 7 year old son.

Our relationship has always been a little rocky. Never any abuse, infidelity, or even huge blowup fights. Since we’ve been married, we’ve each put ourselves though college, had our son, gotten career jobs, and basically have slowly drifted apart and became ‘roommates’. Our time together is usually limited because I work daylight, and she works a lot of evenings. Weekends are spent doing things with our son, and/or hanging at mutual friends house.

Over the past year or two, while things have seemed ok (we do a lot of things as a family, no fights, etc), the emotional connection and intimacy has nosedived. We bought a beautiful house a few years ago, and between our son being ‘scared’ to sleep alone, getting a dog that was crazy at night, and my W being much more of a night owl than me, we started sleeping separately. Our sex life has been nonexistent, and the more I would complain about the lack of sex, the more she complained about lack of communication. Round and round we went. I take full responsibility for not always meeting her needs, and often putting my needs and activities above hers. I don't think on the surface I fall into the 'nice guy' category. But I do often cave to her on issues.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she very calmly asked me to ‘talk’, and said that she hasn’t been happy for a long time, and wants to divorce. After the initial shock, I told her that I know we’ve had issues, but we’ve never really tried to address them, or even seriously discuss them. I said I think we should at least try to save our marriage. She basically said there’s nothing to save, we’ve drifted too far apart, we’re too different, etc. She stressed there is nobody else, and wants to be amicable about it.

A few days go by and I, not finding this site yet, am trying my best to hold it together for 2 or 3 days. Very nice, accommodating, watching our S so she can go have ‘girl talk’ with our mutual friends, etc. She then told me that all of that is just pissing her off, cause she knows it’s not the ‘real me’, and there’s nothing I can say or do to influence her in any direction.

For the last week I’ve worked hard to give her space and time. I haven’t initiated any R talk, haven’t really even bothered her with anything. I haven’t been mean, but just giving her space. After another weekend of her having ‘girl talk’ with girls I know and trust, I was told that she has just completely checked out, doesn’t see any reason to even try working on the marriage, and isn’t in love with me anymore. She even commented that the only way she’ll ever be happy is by leaving me, and she hates the thought of hurting me. Nobody in 'the loop' can figure out a catalyst for any of this. Just a few weeks ago we were talking about birth control, vacations, etc

Obviously I’ve gone through all the stages (shock, sadness, anger, etc). I’m furious that she would do this, furious she never discussed it with me seriously, and furious at myself for being too dumb to realize or address the issues a year ago. I love her, and think that these things can be fixed. I can’t stand the thought of divorce. But I also hate sitting here in limbo, feeling like she’s just building up the confidence and justification to file the divorce.

I have ordered DR, but haven’t gotten it yet. I have no real idea what to do, how to act, what to think, etc. I've read Sandi's 37 rules and think I'm doing most of them. I’ve really just been spending the evenings playing with our son, and going about my business. She spends her evenings watching TV and playing around on her phone (facebook, etc). I just don’t know if I should continue to avoid all M talk, if I should be the one to push things along towards divorce/separation, if I should be nice, distant, etc.

Sorry this was so long, and thanks in advance for any advice.