Can I really do this #5

[SteveLW]

So let's look at your options:

1) Do nothing. Continue to concentrate on being a great dad, detach, GAL, 180s, and being the best JS you can be.
2) File for D. This will certainly move things forward.
3) Start pressuring her to make a decision one way or another.

I don't think I am missing anything, but really those are your only three options as far as I can tell.

You've already said that 2 is not the route you want to take, so we can eliminate that one.

1 is where you are now and I can sense your patience wearing thin for that.

So it seems that 3 is the one your wrestling with.

So let's go with 3 for a minute. You really have 3 potential outcomes:

1) Nothing changes.
2) Your W agrees to work on R.
3) You get a D.

Obviously, 2 is the desired outcome. It is the one that you would be hoping for by pressuring her to make a decision. However, it is the least likely of the three. Why? Because you cannot talk, pressure, act, beg, discuss or do anything else to make her make that decision. She has to come to that decision herself. It requires time, patience, no pressure and no pursuit. It requires you focusing on you and your kids and leaving her alone to make her decision. She has to come to that decision on her own. I'd put this at a less than 1% chance of occurring.

So that leaves 1 and 3. Based on your W's history, 1 is most likely. Likely she will try to appease and deflect as much as possible to get back to the current status quo. She will even be willing to say things and agree things to try and make that happen. I'd say there is a 85% chance that this is the route it will go. Because 2 and 3 are work. And it appears that if anything she tries to avoid work.

3 is not likely based on the fact that it would require to do the most work. She'd have to get a job, look for a place to live, etc. As you've said before, she's shown no signs of movement on any of that. Plus this isn't what you want either, so more than likely you'd be content to let things slip back to 1 again as well, since 2 is so unlikely. I'd put the chance of this occurring at about 14.5%.

So really the question becomes, do you want to put energy in to the first #3 knowing it is likely to not result in anything different? In fact, you have a better chance of change, potentially the wrong kind, with #2 in the first list. But actually that is also the one that is second most likely to result in R behind only #1.

My advice is to double-down on #1. Really recommit to detaching and GAL. Being the best JS and dad you can be.

You brought up finances. Here is the problem. D exasperates financial difficulty, not makes it better. All of the things you listed will still be the case in D. Yes she won't be on your insurance anymore, but she will get alimony. If she gets any custody at all she will get child support. Financially #1 in the first list is your best option!

What you are really struggling with is the limbo "illusion of action" problem that we all struggled with. You feel stuck and need to do something. The problem is that anything you do will likely lead you further away from where you want to be than you are now.

The analogy you gave needs to be tweaked. You are in a desert and you have found a small puddle. One direction leads to a fresh water lake, the other just leads to miles and miles of of more desert. You could take a chance and head off into the direction you THINK the lake is in and chance being stranded completely without water. Or you can wait at your puddle, surviving until you have a clearer idea on which direction is best. I'd say choose the puddle until you are sure of the lake.