Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

My thoughts this morning are that I am just done with the BS.

The situation makes no sense to me. There are decisions that need to be made and my W's decision and following inaction is making things just needlessly difficult. Mostly all financially related.

Examples of just little things that would be so simple if we were either in a MR or S or D'd but in limbo make no sense:

Mentioned yesterday about the new job, but now I have the changeover in healthcare to handle and whether to add W to the new policy or just cobra her on the old policy. I haven't mentioned it to her yet. I was in too good of a mood last evening and wanted to enjoy the brief moment. I will let her know today or tomorrow on the new job. I am still contemplating the healthcare issue. This one to me seems to be a minefield that I don't know if I have to go through or not so feedback on this one is greatly appreciated!!

Kids need back to school clothes. Nothing really in our joint account, so that honor (and I do mean that) is left up to me, but W is wanting a lot more for them than I can afford. Then, do I make it a family day and take everyone shopping and to lunch? or do I just take the kids and do it? See where all this goes?

Fall activities (sports, band, etc.) for the kids require more money as well.

Not anything major, but some things needs fixed or replaced around the home. I hear the repeated (not constant but probably weekly) jab comments on these. Nothing direct, just the "ughh, this is annoying" thing followed by no direct question or anything.

If one of our kids go to a birthday party (there were several over the summer), there is a card and a gift. When school starts back it will be filled with more of the same followed by Football games, dances, etc.

I seem to be in a no win situation, especially if it involved our children. If I question the cost since I am seriously watching our budget, I am the bad buy. If I fund it with no question, my W thinks I have this huge stash of money and am hiding a bunch from her (She sees everyone of my checks, knows our bills, she COULD do the math, but refuses to actually see the bottom line). So I CAN'T win.

An unfortunate comparison would be to say that my W is more like a dependent now than my partner. She is waiting in line for her allowance and if she doesn't get what she wants, she feels slighted. If someone else in the family gets something, again, she feels like she deserves something since they got something. Childish.

I am not trying to react, overreact or read too much into each individual situation, but when you step back and see the big picture, it just doesn't make sense and everything is just so much more difficult.

I'm actually calm and focused this morning. I'm ok, just frustrated.

D texted me when I was about to head home last evening (had to work just a little late) and asked me to pick her something up for dinner. I called W to make sure she was ok with it and that she hadn't made anything. She was ok with it so I picked all of us something and we all had a quick but cordial and sometimes funny impromptu family dinner.

Watched a couple of programs with my W afterwards and it was pleasant.

Went up to go to bed and W had a brief moment where she didn't say anything but got frustrated with a drawer and then slammed it shut. She didn't say anything. I asked if she was ok and she said "yep, I'm great". I let it go at that point and just moved on.

On my GAL front, I spent about an hour talking with an old neighbor earlier this week, then yesterday had a couple of drinks a friend/business associate. It was nice not talking about my sitch too much and also good to just talk with a couple of guys outside of my home.

Sandi, Steve, AS and all....if you are out there can you give me your thoughts on what you think I should do moving forward? I feel like I am being forced into a corner and have to come out fighting in some way. I also don't want to be blindsided. I feel like an ostrich with my head in the sand denying everything above ground isn't happening. I know it is, but that is just how I feel. I also feel that if there was a shotgun pointed at my body that I couldn't see, I wouldn't even know that I am in danger. Is this normal? Am I just paranoid? Am I just postponing the inevitable? My W has done nothing to move this forward, neither has she done anything to come back to our MR either. The only positives I could say is that we are still in the same home, still sleep in the same bed, and for what I can determine, there is no PA going on. Other than that, it just seems to be a quiet cease fire.