Journey Continues

[STH17]

I think I struggle with the same thoughts you are having ballast, and I worry that I am being too "mysterious" by being so disconnected with W now that she has moved out. We've stopped sharing things on our calendars, don't talk anymore, she unfriended me on FB. And a few weeks ago in one of the last real conversations I had with W I told her I couldn't be friends with her (she was requesting that we "start over as friends or acquaintances") until we talked about the fact that I had worked hard to repair our relationship and she instead chose to have an affair. Then she told me I didn't include her in that work. That comment keeps playing back now. It comes across as her saying "If only you had done the right thing at the right time, I would have stayed". So it feels like I failed at saving my marriage, after I already failed at stopping this crisis from happening in the first place. Big ol' negative thought train. I'm still stuck on it now. Feels like it's the last thing my W said to me, so it's all I have to hang on to of her now. And I worry that I wrongly turned down her offer of friendship. I was not going to allow rugsweeping of her affair though, so I still believe that was the right decision.

So yeah, when you feel like you're not allowed to pursue, and distancing feels like hell, what can you do? I think most would say detach. Detachment + Separation + No Pursuit just feels the same as divorce to me. Just accept that? Maybe I need to get to a different mental place still. Maybe I'm in a down week.