Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Welp, I likely screwed up again last night.

After our Ds were in bed, I again asked W if she has any idea on a date when she is moving out. She asks if I want her to leave now. Then says she doesn't have a day in mind. She tells me that it bothers her that I think this is easy on her. It's not easy. Her eyes well with tears.

I said there are some things we need to talk about before you leave. I think you are putting the cart before the horse in a lot of ways. What are you going to tell the children?

Very little, she said. Keep it brief, tell them it's not they're fault and that they are loved. We'll do it together.

You will do most of the talking, I say. I'm not sure what I can say to them. I don't agree with this and it's going to be hard for me to pretend this is a team decision.

So you're just going to make it look like I'm the one leaving, she asks.

Well that is what is happening, I think to myself, but simply tell her that's why we will have to talk about this. To figure this out. Why am I always the one who has to start these conversations? What about custody?

She figures they'll do two nights at her place, two nights at our MH, two nights at her place, etc. I tell her that's a lot of moving around with little stability. She asks what I have in mind. I don't know, I tell her, but we need to figure it out.

What are you planning on taking from the house?

Very little, she says. I'd like to take the good dishes, she says. Those were wedding gifts, I think we should split them, I tell her. She says OK, and she would like to take the TV stand but she hates the idea of leaving me with nothing there. That's fine, I tell her, you bought it.

Who is going to help you move?

I don't think I need help. I'm not taking much.

What about finances? I will continue to support the kids, but I'm not going to continue paying your bills. I assume you are just blowing through our savings right now.

No, she hasn't touched our savings. She borrowed from her father. She told him she needed money and she couldn't talk about it right now. He doesn't know anything, but he probably has suspicions. She would like to come up with a financial plan until D4 is in school full time in a year and she can begin working full time again. She doesn't like when I make her feel like she is out to rip me off or take our money. She tells me I'm in no way responsible for the finances of her new place.

I tell her I don't think she is out to get me. I mention that school is starting in two weeks and it would be good to break the news to the girls before then. She agrees. Then I tell her I am not trying to rush her; that I still do not agree with this move. Then I ask her if she has any doubt that this is the right thing to do. She simply says no.

So what is taking so long?

I'm just slow. And the girls ...

Then I ask her if she wants to put something on the TV. She says that would be nice.

I managed to keep my emotions and body language in check, but this conversation hurt very much. On the one hand, I do want this process, if it is inevitable, to speed up. I don't want to have her move out as our girls are starting their new school year. It is always a tough adjustment for D7 and this will only compound that. I also know that separation will make LRT and GAL much, much easier and convenient for me. And I want her to begin to feel the consequences of her decision. It's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows, I think.

On the other hand, I see our past and what I thought would be our future together as a couple and as a family flashing before my eyes. I want desperately to cling to any hope that those dreams may not be gone and I want to hold on to them forever. And our girls. Oh, our girls. They are going to be heartbroken. And me ... I'm going to miss out on half of their youth. As a SAHM, she's not going to feel the effects of this, when it comes to our Ds, nearly as much as I am. She will get to see them every day. When I work on my days with the kids, she will watch them. On her days, I'll be stuck with phone calls and FaceTime.

Thank God I have an IC appointment today. I need it.

I know, guys. I'm not detached. But I'm getting there. They pain is less than it used to be and mostly focused on how this will affect our Ds. I'm trying, but feel free to hit me with some 2x4s.