Quote: You said something on my post about closure and conflict avoidance. Do you feel like you need closure? I do!
I think what I really need is to feel as though I am visible and not devalued by this person I have spent 15 years with.
I've been thinking a lot about that... and what I'm feeling is that my H has still been in "all about me" mode over the past 6 months, just in a different way.
I feel as though he has devalued me and our M by taking me out of the equation and not even discussing with me his reasons for making these decisions on his own.
I know that he is feeling a lot and has been running and dealing with much pain to be able to do that, but at the end of the day, how he deals with all that pain is a choice and he's chosen to devalue me and make all the decisions about our R as if I were not a person who is half of this marriage, but a disposable accessory that either pleases him or doesn't please him, nothing more.
That's what it feels like. And what's worse, I don't believe he really feels this way about me, or that he even sees that some of the time.
I don't mean that to come off angry-- and I hope I don't because that's not what I feel at all, though I did a long while back feel exactly that. I just feel that the friends thing is more of the same confusing behavior that got us here in the first place and that is why I am very skeptical.
Quote: H once told me he wants me in his life after the D......I guess my questions are teh same as yours....... -what does this look like? Dinner and a movie once a month?? LOL!!
I don't know what it looks like either! And he's talking to others (not me) about it.
I feel like when he looks at me now, he is trying really hard to keep me in that image that he made to justify what he was doing, putting up walls so as not to connect with the person actually standing in front of him. And then he wants to be "friends", but with who? Because it's not like he sees me.
This probably doesn't make a lot of sense not knowing the whole sitch-- but my H and I have spent the better part of our S talking about these things he decided I'd wanted and thought and felt-- none of them were remotely true for me. Some of that comes from feeling alone and needing me to be there for him more emotionally...and then not letting me in. Lots of stuff. But all this time we've been discussing how off base these assignments were-- he wasn't seeing ME, but this creation of me...then we started to really pull this apart and look at it from both sides-- what was related to the way we were interacting and what was more about him? What have I changed that needed to change (health and job were biggies)? How much of the issues we were facing were huge misunderstandings (a lot, we had said at the time)?
Now it is as if we never had those conversations because we are right back to "I was unhappy and divorcing you will make me happy." But wait, don't go anywhere? Let's be friends.
Quote: The way I see it, YOU get to be the boss in drawing boundaries on what is good for you. If you can't handle being his friend (whatever the heck that means), you get to state what that looks like TO YOU.
Yeah. I agree, Betsey. I think I could "handle" being a friend under certain circumstances, meaning emotionally I could do that. But that means I am treated as a friend, consulted, visible, valued. H's behavior doesn't show me this. And his decision-making shows me we either have very divergent values now or that he is not interested in / or understanding how to live according to his values... I am not sure which it is, but I suspect it's being so wrapped up in pain and the A path he started down that just doing something else is what he's convinced himself he "needs to" do.
It's baffling to me that he can't see that he could also "start over" with me and lose a whole lot less.
Holdingon pointed out whether I am around to see him realize that removing me doesn't miraculously make him happy is my choice. I'm not really interested in hanging around that long. I have other options.
In looking at my friends-- the ones I have aren't like this. I don't wish to set new, lower standards for friendship, and I feel that I've treated him like a friend esp. the past 8 months and he has not done the same. That's what I meant by "clean up his act".
I'm struggling with how much of this we need to talk about... and how I want to do that.
Quote: I think your MIL is WAY off base. You are obviously handling thing VERY well and she doesn't like it 'cause her son is messing up his life!
Thanks Sun! It bugs me a little, I have to be honest about that. But I also consider the source and it's someone who isn't so happy with her own life and has other issues.
