I feel your pain too Hongaku. I also regularly feel that I might not be ok without her and might not be able to live with my family staying broken.

What has helped me is to know its ok to feel that way. It's almost a relief to know its ok to feel like that. Its not wrong and it doesn't mean I'll feel like that forever.

Accepting my feelings are there and just sitting with them seems to bring peace even if the feelings are horrible.

Hang in there buddy, weather the storm.

LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18
D 11 S 14
BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18
3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18
I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes)
...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!