It sounds like things s#ck today. That's okay. It's normal. Don't run away from the pain. The trick is to sit with it and let it out, let it pass, without getting stuck in it too long. Give yourself some time to feel the hurt, but then have a plan to get out and do something fun. Watch a movie or exercise, or meet up with friends.
You can make it through this, but you have a long way to go, so have patience with yourself and with the process.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide, glad you replied so quick. Its been a rough day. Actually cried today for the first time in a while for a minute. Need to get the hurt out. I still have 2 of my kids until tomorrow. So I will get out and have fun with them for sure. This WW is a so weird. I hate this hurt!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I know everything your going through believe me I do. Try to have as much fun as you can with your kids. When your alone and the emotions hit, let them out. Its part of it. I wish i could give you a magic remedy, but unfortunately there isnt one, if there was id have used it by now. Trust God right now, go to him often. Thats what has helped me through some dark dark days.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
No problem. Focus on your kids, be as present for them as you can. Any time with them is a gift, cherish it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
While I agree with the outcome just a bit of a tweak on your interaction with her.
You said:
"I basically told her that they probably needed to find another place and that it was very disrespectful to my already hurt feelings to have her mom try to do that. I told her that my S and BI did not want to be involved in any way shape or form so don't bother asking again."
What you should have said:
"I basically told her that they (no probably) needed to find another place."
Stop there! No need to explain your feelings, that was completely implied in your S and BIL silence, and on your continuing to hold firm.
If she continued to push then "I told her that my S and BI did not want to be involved in any way shape or form so don't bother asking again." would have been fine.
LANE, are you the one to end these conversations? You should be. Don't let them linger on longer than they should.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, Yeah, I've been thinking alot about my interactions with W lately. I actually caught myself wanting to say more but was able to hold back. I haven't had any conversation or text since when I told her to find another place etc. Kids go back with her today. I am really trying to keep things quiet for as long as I can. I will focus on ending the conversations. She usually ends them but I don't try to keep her going either like I used to. I am guilty of wanting to talk more. I realize that silence is better than trying to talk and get info out of her. It usually adds to the fire when I say too much and I feel hurt all over again anyways. I know she is pushing the D and I am seeing the reality of it. I don't think she sees the whole picture and what damage it will cause for so many people. But she also doesn't care right now. I also know that a WW is not thinking logically and running on pure emotions. This is why I am detaching as much as I can and the 37 rule.
About the 2 books DB and DR. I've read through them briefly. I feel like I need to follow more of what Sandi says in the forums and to me directly along with some of the other vets like you. What do you think?
LANE
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
About the 2 books DB and DR. I've read through them briefly. I feel like I need to follow more of what Sandi says in the forums and to me directly along with some of the other vets like you. What do you think?
I would say not entirely. Almost all WWs are also WAWs. And while sandi does advocate tougher love for WWs, the basics of DBing are the same.
GAL. Detach. 180s. Be the best LANE you can be.
There are some differences, one of the big ones is not to validate a lying cheater. Though I am not sure I am completely in alignment with sandi on that Validating isn't agreeing or disagreeing, just recognizing their feelings. But I always defer to sandi, She knows WWs thinking way more than I do.
So read the books. The perspectives are invaluable.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Today I received a text from the WW. She is leaving this Sat to go see family and wanted to know if I would flip the schedule for kids. She usually has them Wed to Sat and I get them Sun to Wed. I know she is trying to come back before Wednesday so she can go on a camp out with friends from work and Im sure OM will probably be there. She wants to leave them with me on her days Wed (campout ) to Friday and then take kids to the family reunion on Sat. Part of me wants to say "yeah thats okay I will take them" cause I love having my kids any time. And then part of me wants to say "sorry, no can do. You need to take them on your Wednesday to Saturday." Its been a few hours since she sent the text. So I am biding my time thinking about it. What would you do? Any advice from the Pros? Remember, I want the best chances for us to reconcile so I don't want to be harsh but also don't want to serve cake.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
So I did not reply to her text. I get home and she try to call. I sent an auto reply "I will call you. back" She replied OK. So I wait a while knowing she wants the kids, so I call her back. She wanted to make sure my 6s bag was packed. Then she asked if I read the text. I said "yes". lol.... anyways she said " are you okay with it?" I said I don't know yet and that I am still thinking about it... she wanted to know what I need to think about...I basically said that I needed to look at schedule and see if it will work...so thats what she would say to me... She said well let me know so I can make arrangements etc... I said ok is that it?? she said yeah ...ok Bye. I have to admit I feel like I wasn't being Mr Nice Guy but at the same time ...I miss her and liked hearing her voice... I know "weird" But its been a rough couple of days for me....shes reaching out to me and Im acting like the GAL guy...I hope she is wondering a little?... Thanks for letting me vent to whoever reads this mess.
update from yesterdays post
So today is another day. My W picked up my S yesterday. Today I got a call from her asking if I decided on the schedule swap next week. I said that I was still kinda thinking about it and would let her know later today or tomorrow. She asked if I could give her an answer tonite. I said yes probably could do that. The only reason I am hesitant about taking the kids back next Wed is that I know she has plans that night to go camp with her work friends and most likely OM. So I was debating on just saying I would take them no problem or I could say No, I have plans on Wednesday, but I could take them on Thursday. That would really frustrate her if I did that. Anyone have any advice on this one? Should I just take the kids or make it so she has to keep them so she cant go have fun?. Regardless she still might make arrangement with her parents to watch them.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/16/1803:35 PM. Reason: combine posts
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Do you have plans on Wednesday? If you do, great. Tell her that.
If not I do not advocate lying and not taking for kids to punish, frustrate, or even to keep get away from OM. If her plans are solid she may even get someone else to watch the kids anyway.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
