Davide - definitely. I do everything from a position of strength now. I also follow my heart and what feels authentic and real to me. I will not put up a show or pretend or go along with a charade.
Nef - haha! yeh true. I am tried and tested DB'er. With the level of crumbs she had left my way last year, there is no way I will allow that again. If I agree to do anything, it will be on terms that I like and with a DB mindset.
Overrnbw - haha! yeh, everyone wants to know the details. To be honest, the details are not that interesting or important. It has been a string of small things that W has done that has me on alert now. Making some gestures here and there and an invite to something, which got my spidey senses up. Nothing of this sort has happened in a year now and so it to come on suddenly, even in small measures that indicate a pattern, has gotten my attention.
As I said, this could mean nothing really. I am not engaging in mind-reading and that's why I said that there could be a few options of what this might mean. But it's not significant for me to engage in anything with her or dwell on figuring out the answer. It's just a change in some events that haven't happened in a year.
So, my aim is to just observe and evaluate. The answer will materialize itself based on her actions. Nothing has changed for me in terms of my goals and approach to life.
Keep your guard up M....my XW has established a pattern of being nice to me before she drops a bomb on me. We went out to breakfast on Saturday together as a family and yesterday she called me on the phone and apologized over an over again for a scheduling mistake with my youngest dr appointment. Then she sends me an email reminder about the appointment.
Needless to say I am on guard for her to tell me either BF is moving in with her or she is getting married
For sure J. She messaged me couple of weeks back about discussing some things - not R related, but still important topics where she'll need my cooperation. I am totally down to discussing those things, but I am not going to roll over for her. I didn't say that to her but I told her I am more than happy to sit down and discuss those items later in the month when I have some free time.
A week after that message, she's made some gestures that she hasn't in a year. So, spidey senses are up. I hate this doing nice things before dropping a bomb - it's just so manipulative and passive aggressive and weak. Just say it up front. It's like they want to build up good will or tit for tat kinda stuff - i did some nice things for you so now you do something for me; or you can really be mad at me about this.
It's just juvenile and I have no time for it. So, regardless of whatever happens in the interim, I know what my priorities and needs are and when we sit down to discuss things, I am not going to just cave in. That's the old me from last year, but not anymore.
My guard is definitely up and I will sniff out the bull$hit.
Hey dude...I agree it took me a minute to figure out what my XW was doing and G was the one that actually pointed it out to me. Today I get a text message from her with a picture of my oldest and her best friend and the X tells me she feels bad that they didn't get the same teacher and she feels bad. Whatever
Harmless stuff but "yes"....I am just waiting for it!
Get those batteries charged up on the detector!
Maybe you will have more interaction with her now that school is starting.
Yeah. putting down some feather pillows to soften the landing. It's actually laughable because we can see through it. I don't even know if W is doing this consciously or if this is just her continuing her passive ways of dealing with situations that will certainly have some conflict in it, or deliver news that is kinda $hitty.
The interaction can't be avoided as you know with 2 little kids, but I can definitely spot crappy behavior and not have to put up with it. I hope I am wrong, but I feel like this is what's going on in her head - 'if I create some family time or do a couple of nice things for him, then it will be hard for him to put up resistance when I talk to him about x issue and what I want to happen'. For me it's like those things are completely separate. I won't tolerate 'covert contracts' and typically what NGS folks do - buy agreement and acceptance through niceness, rather than doing kind things for their own sake.
Time will tell what's happening truly. I got a bit caught by surprise by this change in status quo, but I was able to compose myself pretty quickly and not overthink it or start the mindreading games. Let's see what she really wants. I have left a path for her, but I most certainly won't make it easy. She will have to confront her demons for me to really believe that she's got it in her to make the changes.
Lol.....yeah I am to the point now when my x tries to correct me on something or tries to assume her former role I just shoot her a look and she stops immediately. She knows there is no more control over me. How r ur kids doing?
Hey M, gut feeling is natural and so you take it. But beware if you are using those second hand five leg cat detectors...they are fueled by mindreading and are a no go...then you know the way out: detach and GAL. Dark side of the force is powerful but you know you are a good DB master.
J - Kids are doing better. I am just much more aware of making time together high quality and doing things with them. I feel like they've resigned to this reality and that kinda breaks my heart. My older one is much more sensitive and emotional and has his ups and downs. But generally, I keep it pretty upbeat and positive for them and now that I am much more emotionally stable, they can sense that and feed off from me. But, how this will affect them in the long run is still an unwritten chapter.
Nef - yeh, I trust my gut instincts and feelings. Also, I am not impulsive anymore and will take time to think and feel through things. The dark side is always there lingering, but I know how to keep it at bay. With this in the mix, I am upping my GAL a bit more and making sure I am not getting too comfortable thinking that I am all good to handle everything. I know some curve balls are coming my way and I am keeping myself prepared.
It definitely is an adjustment for everyone. My oldest is struggling more as well with this and I actually saw my X get emotionally over her last week. The first time I have seen my X break down in quite some time and I assume it has to do with her guilt. Our youngest is seemingly unaffected and really hasn't skipped a beat. The X and I only live 4 miles from each other so I am going to talk to her about changing it up from a week on week off to more of a 2-3-2 as I think our oldest needs to see her mother more often. It might help with my dating life as well since I won't be completely shut down during the week I have the girls.
