Hi all! I think Wonder's hormone-driven emotional storm is finally blowing over. Thanks for weathering with me.
KAW, that is pretty insightful. Thank you. I think you're right about the progression. I feel I went through it and circled back and find myself at the same doors. Does that make any sense?
Betsey, oh I didn't think you were suggesting my path with your letter. But reading it made me see that I HAD done that letter, had also had that conversation in person. I had let it all pass, got my answer, made peace with it and lo and behold, then he came back. He has asked me for a lot and I have given him all of that.
So, I WAS there once... I really had let it all go. And then we started to R, and now I am maybe finding myself there again. Only now I find myself having much less respect for the way he is walking his path, and that is making the idea of being friends hard to contemplate.
I'm not bitter or angry and I want the man to be happy. But I think I am still partly reeling from the birthday present D papers... esp. since they came to me as a surprise and after we'd even moved back into physical intimacy-- something v. important and meaningful to me and to my H.
Snooderly had a post recently in the MLC forum about projecting unhappiness and being a teenager, and frankly that is exactly what I see right now. I think the questioning I've been doing is more about me trying to fix things than it is really questioning whether I have done the right things. I know that I have not been perfect, but I also know I've done a whole lot more right than wrong in this process. And I can feel good about that.
Sun, you can hold your head up very high! Honestly, I too DO feel I have done all I could do to save my marriage. I feel my H has had every opportunity known to man and that I have been generous and kind, compassionate and loving. I've also set some clear and healthy boundaries, though at first I set them out of self defense-- later I set them more maturely.
I can look myself in the mirror and know I have followed my values this far and that if I keep on following them they will bring me to a place of fulfillment as well as happiness. Right now I have one without feeling the other.
I'm not willing to accept less than I deserve. In fact, I've been pretty vocal about that all along, though I've given him more room than I'd give most people.
There are dealbreakers for me, even with the friendship. Perhaps I might sit him down and tell him how I am feeling. There might be a few places where we have not covered that ground, but I'm not sure the effort is well-placed right now. Guess that is what I am contemplating.
I don't think it's about setting him free-- the pressure to make decisions hasn't come from me in well over a year. I may do all this here on the board, but I have not pressured my H in any way to make decisions in a very long time. That pressure is within him and with other people (his family, for one). I also haven't led him. I've left him free to make his own choices. I don't believe much in the "meant to be" stuff... but I do believe in free will.
If and when I do chat with him about this remains "out there". You're right, Bets, there's no reason I have to do it anytime soon.
