Hi ladies! Thanks.

Mooka, there you go reminding me that I am not superhuman. I am just like the other mere mortals... stress can get to my brain sometimes!

Sun, now I know why they say patience is a virtue... I honestly feel that I may be fresh out of it, however.

Betsey, I like "epiphanies"... sounds so much more pleasant than self-absorbed navel gazing, which is what is feels like sometimes. I don't know that I'm uncovering anything new, just revisiting old stuff I still need to process, I guess.

Do you really think it sounds like we have a friendship? It feels pretty isolated these days, like we are rarely communicating. I felt like we were really re-creating that connection for a long time and that he put up a giant wall to it.

We DO communicate far better than we previously did, just the opportunities are few and far between. And frankly, the more I think about creating what I consider a real friendship with him should we officially D, the less that I am feeling that is what I want, for a variety of reasons. We don't have children-- if we did, I think I would want and need to figure out a way to make that work.

But then, I might need to work through some of the things that are coming up for me these days to get to a place where it might feel more possible.

Can I drift a bit longer? Maybe. Seems I advise others to do that. But I've been drifting a while it seems to me. I know I will get where I need to go because I'm putting the work into that.

The way I see it, while I wait out the time between filing and finality, I am fluctuating between:

1. Showing him in some grand way that I do want a future with him (this being based on his issues with our previous R and the results I'd gotten from pursuit and throwing all my emotions out there -- in a good healthy way, not the other way).

2. Continue living my own life and letting him wonder what I am up to. Letting him do whatever he's going to do without any opinion, input or interference from me.

3. Some third option I have not figured out, but seems like there would be one.

Maybe the flip side of strength is the knowledge of what I want and need to be happy, and knowing that with the changes I have made, I will be that whether H chooses to be a part of my future or chooses not to be. I'm finding I'm less patient because I am living my life. And I'm frustrated with the idea of someone who says he "can't go back" (but on the one hand wants to) and then does what he can to keep his image of me and our R "back there" in spite of the actual positive interactions/changes that have been our reality for more than a year. I mean, he acknowledges all of these changes in me/us/interactions, acknowledges all of these revelations we've shared about our R over time, and then acts as though none of it is relevant.

I believe that I will eventually have a partner who's willing and able to be in the kind of relationship I want to have-- who acts out of faith and trust and not fear-- since H says he want the same kind of R, I hope he will rethink where he's headed.

But I am seriously of the mindset these days that once the D papers get signed, the door of having a place in my life is going to be permanently closed to him.

wonder