I often see people in your position give things up in a separation, ranging from kids, money, to the house, to try to somehow placate their wayward spouse in the hopes that this will avoid making them mad or make them want to come back. This never, ever works and is in fact the worst thing you can do for any outcome. If you get divorced, then you have given up everything to your WW for nothing and you will forever regret ever doing so. But it also makes reconciliation less likely - I have never, ever seen a WW want to come back after "winning" the divorce. They only ever seem to want to come back when they have no money, are losing the kids, cant find a good husband prospect and suddenly realize you are the best available option. And by that point, very few BH's I have worked with seemed to want them back!
The most 'successful' mindset I have seen for someone in your position is to give up any notion that you can control whether you divorce or reconcile. Being married is a consensus decision and you cant control their decisions. But you can control yourself and that is really what will determine how happy you will be either way. And luckily the actions you need to take are exactly the same - just take care of yourself and put yourself in the position of maximum strength, for yourself and for your kid.
And since you have an attorney, let them be the 'bad guy' in negotiations while you stay above the fray. Im not sure what your attorney is suggesting. I dont have any guidance on whether or not you should file under adultery, because every situation is too different. But here are some things you can do either way to help you gain your strength for any eventuality:
1. Keep detailed, daily documentation of time and activities with your kid. Do everything you can to wiggle yourself into more time with them while WW is in la la land with OM. Make sure to call or facetime every single day. Document if your WW blocks your communication. You should have an entry every single day, starting today. 2. Get a more consultations with the top attorneys in your area in order to get a wider range of advice on how filing under adultery could work, but also doing so prevents your WW from hiring them. If you are up front that you have an attorney but want other opinions they will give you more realistic advice rather than the sales job. 3. Look into emergency orders to stipulate no contact with dating partners and get right of first refusal. 4. Gather admissible evidence of adultery. You can hire a service to do electronic forensics to find proof on your jointly owned electronics and accounts. Or a PI to document what she is doing now. Look for even circumstantial evidence of alcohol, drugs (including prescriptions), DUI, leaving your kid alone or leaving your kids with OM. Hire a PI to run some background checks on OM. They can find things you can't. Have all of this in your back pocket for when the time is right. 5. Stick to your plan. Do the 180. No conversations without documentation. Accept that nothing you say can influence her in any way, and assume every single thing you say, text or email to her will be used against you and read out loud in court. Dont negotiate on anything you arent willing to lose. You can negotiate over the candle sticks. But custody and any other untouchables are stipulated in the filing and she can go talk to your lawyer about those things. 6. Take care of yourself, force yourself to get out and meet people, start an outdoor or physical hobby, eat super healthy and hit the weights hard. Slowly but surely you will feel (and look) much, much better, and situations always have a way of improving when your mental outlook improves.
