OK, still thinking about avoidance if anyone is interested.
Trish's 2x4 was very welcome!
H and I have avoided certain things-- and it seems to be based on some level of perceived conflict rather than on anything real. Because when we did talk, there was no actual conflict most of the time.
I feel though that I have changed during our S in my willingness to confront H about feelings and behavior-- though I have a ways to go. I think it scares him. Scares me too, really.
When he has talked to me about "reasons" for the D, as an example, a good amount of it is clear BS used to avoid real feelings and exploration. He has said this himself and I agree with that assessment.
I'm not suggesting I can "make him" do that work or that I want to. That is his deal.
But now when he attempts to reiterate things he himself has repeatedly told me are BS, he knows I see through that, even when I am just listening.
His options are: 1. to give me the BS and risk me not avoiding it, not letting him slide. 2. to risk getting into the place he is trying to avoid and be honest. 3. to avoid having any conversation at all, which is what he chooses to do.
My options are: 1. to ask for what I really want/talk about things I feel I need to address 2. to avoid doing that
At first, I went whole hog in the other direction and confronted him about everything so he has reason to be scared of that. That was almost worse than avoiding things. I was forgetting he is the person on the other side.
I went and got some balance a while back, though. That's a change that takes time and consistency to be noticed. I'm not there yet.
I avoided calling back because I imagined some possible conflict with H and I wanted to enjoy the rest of my evening. I made myself call him in the morning. This is something that I need to recognize because as Trish points out-- it's an old pattern that I need to work on.
Here is something that does work: I practiced assertive asking when I called back. This direct M-V thing seems to work well for us. I simply asked him to do it without the explanation. He answered me. I allowed his resistance to be OK and ended the conversation.
He did do it, by the way. We still need to talk, and I left him a message to that effect, also sharing my appreciation that he did make the transfer.
