Steve, UK and Nicole thanks for the sane advice. and support. UK, yes, Steve is wise, he generally is a good reality check when you feel trapped in LBS land. I have learnt that months ago.
I survived the first S weekend. It was more like a beta release though, WH was home half the time. So Saturday the plan was for me to have both kids until evening and I had plans with D3 in the evening that I could not bring baby to. WH calls half hour before we are supposed to leave and says he cannot take baby as he still has things to set up in his apartment and he will take kids off of my hands on Sunday. I got angry on the phone and said we had discussed this and I had made plans for D3 for weeks so he offered to come late and take baby and said anyway technically it was my day to handle kids. So i said I can manage and that there was no point in us arguing. Got baby and D3 ready, loaded all food and supplies and took them out. Gosh is it hard to manage 2 small kids at a public event. We stayed for 2 hours instead of the planned 5 hours, by the end of which both were crying and I was a spectacle with families pitifully staring at my plight. But D3 did have fun for most part. A few acquaintances offered help, strangers showed kindness. On the way back home I felt overwhelmed and cried while talking to a friend on the phone. Since D3 started worrying I cut the call and concentrated on her instead. At home I fed them and got them to bed with stories and cuddles. WH did not come home for the first time. The next day he came early in the AM, picked the kids up and took them to his house. He specially has started using his house and my house in his convos. I helped him get the kids ready, told him I understand he is under a lot of pressure that kids may not get adjusted to his new place and that I suggest he bring some familiar toys to ease them into it. He said he already has duplicates of those and had thought of it himself, I just was quiet and cordial for most part. While the kids left though, I teared up, I knew it was only for the day and he had said he would bring them back home at night but the significance of it saddened me. Once they left, i called my parents had a pity party, watched some TV and completed the prep work for baby and D3 lunches for the upcoming week (Yes, I am one of those mommies who has to give them homemade food, no pouches or store bought preservative filled foods for either of them and I am proud of it). I got dressed and went to the movies. Got myself a huge popcorn and drink and enjoyed the movie (argh, no pop corn for one more month). WH sent pics of kids having fun so I got back to car and cried because I missed them. After a bit, dried my tears, put some makeup on and went back to watch another movie to drown my pain with some of Tom Cruise's noise and action. WH called multiple times because he had got back home. I texted saying unless its urgent I cannot pick up as I am at the movies. I wanted to still make most of the day and see the kids so I got back home to a not so happy WH and got both of them to bed telling them how much I missed them and getting extra hugs. So yes, I survived and realized I can do this. 2 days a week is actually time I need to get my ducks in a row and prep for the days the kids are with me. I am no close to saving MR than I was at BD but I have a better handle on my own life since I know I am my own best help. I have never watched a movie by myself let alone two, and well if the MR was good I dont think I could be able to leave the kids and binge on movies. I have child care arranged for a few days of the week to help me in the evenings. I am overwhelmed, crying, confident-like, angry all in matter of minutes but I am still standing. And I enjoy every minute with my children, if I get stressed and get angry at them, D3 points out it is not nice to be angry and makes me say sorry lol. WH as usual is aloof and when I saw him texting on his phone non stop I wanted to bang his head with a pan I had with me in the kitchen but I did shirshasana (yoga pose standing up on head literally) instead. I have decided to take either kick boxing or some other self defense class where I actually can vent out, I would love the release of some negative energy.
