Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Steve,
So here is my struggle. With the financial collapse, losing our home, and everything else, this issue and problems have been going on for I'd say at least 2 years, maybe even up to 3 years. There was some talks and threats of D on both sides prior to her final one when she filed in February. Her big BD was probably Sept of last year. It was a few days before our S's bday as I remember at least thinking "at least she didn't do it on his bday". We did the counselors, books, workbooks, etc. Some worked for awhile, some didn't work at all. Although looking back NEITHER of us were in a place where we were individually in the right frame of mind and still reeling from our issues to even remotely focus on someone else. Not the best way to be, but that was the way it was non the less. I was too focused and reeling from losing everything, trying to hold my family together and knowing I had to get out there, swallow my pride, and get to work. She was curled up in a corner and closed off from everything. I think both of us still being together through that says a ton but again I am only one person. So to say I have given it a year would be arguable. Unfortunately our MR issues were very much compounded by having to put them off through the financial issues. I am not justifying at all. Just looking back and trying to see it for what it is. We didn't blame each other, but since there was no one to blame, did end up taking our frustrations out on each other instead of supporting one another.
I am not trying to be a martyr nor is my argument there just to be "right" in the end. My fight is for my family, for our MR. There can be a bunch of winners, but if it ends in D, everyone loses. We will all end up "ok" some happier than others and no one knows how long or who that will be.
I know I have done more than most. I have been told by the few people that know that I should just move on and let her go. That there are more women out there that would love to be treated half as well as my W has been treated. Well, I truly am not interested in doing that yet. If we D, I'm sure I could find someone. I'm attractive, successful, responsible, fun and an overall decent person. I take my MR vows very seriously. When I said those words, I meant them.
In answer to your comment. Am I doing it just to move something forward or because I am done, I see it as a timeline that had "because I'm done" starting at the very far end of the timeline, but the dot is moving closer and closer each day. I have my notes together, my ideas on what I would/would not agree to. I have my L picked out, but not retained as of this moment. I feel guilty at times for hanging on. Is it just me that sees we are better together than apart? Why should I put my kids through the pain they are seeing? How will all of this affect their future relationships? My D and I had a brief conversation and she mentioned that she didn't think she was ever going to get married. I didn't push, but who would blame her with what she has seen for the last couple of years!
So, I just don't know which one it is. I think one day, and it gets closer each day, I will call it and move it forward. So if I know it is going to get there soon, why not do it now and just get it started. My W obviously isn't going to move it forward. Her plan may be there, but it hasn't surfaced, and when/if it does, who knows how that will work. Is it better to position now for my and my kids future? or is it better to just wait it out? The million dollar question I guess...