You have to drop the emotional rope you have tied around her. Stop focusing on something to do that will get a particular reaction from her. When you let go of all that stuff, that's when things will change.
THIS.
When you DB to manipulate her, it will never work. When you DB so that you can truly move on, that is when she will notice something is different.
Did, I've told this story before, but a huge turning point in my sitch came about 5 weeks in, when my W decided to work on her resume. (Her plan was to get a job, move out into her own place, and then file for D). She mentioned to me that there were some books she was interested in on resume writing and interviewing, since it had been 14 years since she worked. She was probably expecting me to say "no way are you using our money to forward you plan to leave". Instead I said "whatever you need". I didn't encourage it, I didn't discourage it. I said whatever you need and then went back to whatever I was doing at the time. I had landed in a place where, while I didn't want what she was doing, I was resigned to it. And even started to become ok with it.
I had even started working on the house and lining up a friend of ours that does finish carpentry, to get the house ready to sell. Despite her wanting me to keep the house, I told her I was planning on selling, splitting the earnings 50/50 with her, and potentially moving in with a single buddy of mine. I had started to get excited about this. I had already told her about my plan to do that (as well as a few other things, like switching congregations (even though she wouldn't be attending there anymore either), and she wasn't thrilled. Her easy-peasy plan had me staying in the house, my D living there, us playing family occasionally, and not much else changing for me and my D.
When she saw I was a) warming to the idea, b) forming my own plans for me, c) and no longer pressuring her or pursuing her, the wind came out of her sails on her plan. I even contacted an attorney etc.
All of this did 2 things:
1) It started to wake her up from her WW fog to realize that the D process wasn't going to be short and easy. But much longer and more arduous. And that she was going to have to do work rather than must sit back and have it happen.
2) That I was going to be fine without her, and that I was going to make changes that affected her and my D. Not necessarily bad changes, but changes none-the-less. She had this notion that only her and her situation would change (unrealistic due to the fog) and when she realize that her decision had unintended consequences for all three of us she started to reevaluate what she wanted.
The key was that if she saw my plans as pursuit and pressure, she never would have awoken to 1 & 2. Her thinking would have been "he is just threatening me with these things to get me to change my mind. But if I stick to my guns then I can get him to change his mind since is Nice Guy side will continue to try to please me." What she saw was that I was moving toward a "this will work out great! I'll be free to do a lot of things I can't do right now, and I'll move forward just fine without her" mentality.
It has to be real. And genuine. That is why GAL is so important. So focus on GAL. When you aren't with D, you are too busy for her. When you are with D, even then a lot of times you both are too busy for her. She knows that you will play house anytime she wants you too. She knows your NGS will 1) allow it and 2) be the nice guy that bends over backwards for her.
The touching and hugging is her manipulating YOU. Don't allow that. No touching and hugging as we are headed for D. Why do I want to touch and hug someone that has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with me?
Did, I've often thought you might have the worst case of NGS of anyone on this board. I do not say that to hurt you but to try to get you to recognize it. For instance:
Quote
A few weeks ago she bought some things for each of us and had said maybe I owe her a drink or dinner and I was all for that... now she is talking about me just paying her back.
WHAT?!?!? Are you paying for everything for her right now? Why would you owe her a penny when she is buying things for you with your own money??
Nice Guys finish last. Remember that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
