Quote: This tells him you care about being responsible, you care about his problems, it shows him you are paying attention and it includes him in the solution..... "forgetting" to bring it up on the phone because you don't want to spoil the good convo you are having is AVOIDANCE. Which if I'm not all wet, is a problem you have had in the past with him.( avoiding problems, feelings, finances etc.)
Interestingly, I DID actually forget to ask him because I was focused on the conversation we were having. Telling me about the computer problem was a positive for my H. This is how he talks when he is missing me... he opens up and shares things that are important to him, and his computer skills are a big part of his personal identity. I was surprised he was talking to me like that because he hasn't been.
I DID avoid calling him back that evening, however. Guilty as charged. This is the kind of avoidance I do.
But I don't have any need to show H I am responsible. I have always been highly responsible, and particularly with finances. In our M, I never avoided finances or avoided discussing problems I was consciously aware of. Avoiding discussing feelings-- that is definitely an issue we have had in the past. I have changed that on my end-- I talk a lot about tough feelings now. H is still avoidant.
He didn't forget to transfer the money. You are absolutely right that he was hoping I would not bring it up, and was hoping to AVOID it altogether because that is his pattern. And absolutely right that he took advantage of my softness on this issue. And that it is something he has done before. He's not going to admit to me that he is having financial problems right now, but I suspect that he is.
What a great observation that my same old response is to let him get away with avoidance way too often. What a good insight!
However, I can't make him transfer the money in.
I can cancel the insurance, but only if he agrees to that. I am going to discuss with him what he wants to do when we talk next, as I have some other business I need to discuss as well. I do not feel good about suggesting we cancel his insurance unless he meets the obligation he agreed to meet.
He knows it creates serious cash flow problems for me when he doesn't. We've discussed that. He is choosing to create a cash flow problem for me rather than a cash flow problem for himself. Would I do the same thing? Maybe.
The uncertainty at the end of my post is that I am uncertain about a lot of things right now, method-wise.
Do I want him to think I am moving on? I really don't know. I think he does think that's what I am doing because it's pretty clear I have my own life.
I am not at all sure that my 180 to not initiating contact and stopping the gentle confident pursuing has not hurt the progress our relationship was making.
You see, I've never been the emotional, needy, irresponsible or insecure one in our relationship-- except for the period post-bomb, when I was those things. I was not the pursuer, not the romantic one. I was the very independent one, the responsible one. The one he felt was emotionally unavailable and detached and interested in her own life more than the M, the one who did not need him.
I suspect he was more forthcoming when I was pursuing because all this time he wanted to be pursued-- to him, I think pursuit shows he is desired, appreciated, loved. I suspect that it is more than flattering-- it is what he was acting out trying to get from me in the first place.
But since he has had the A he also feels he doesn't deserve that from me-- that part is his head trip to figure out, I think.
Yes, at some point the man needs to take his own responsibility and part in the R if it ever would work. And he has been avoiding that hard work. Have I called him on that? I have.
But I also suspect he is avoiding me these days in part because of what I do mean to him, rather than that I mean nothing to him. Dealing with the feelings and the realities requires a lot of work and strength. Avoiding dealing with it and doing something else is more of the same for him.
My accepting that is more of the same too. When I was pursuing, I was doing something different.
Really, I'm feeling good in my life. I feel very in control of where I am headed personally, more so than I have ever felt. Honestly, I'd like H to choose to be a part of that... but I am also feeling that I veered a bit off track in how I was handling this R.
