I know its been a while, I have been plodding along, nothing much to tell really. Work is; well a pay cheque .... thats about as exciting as it gets. Physically its a challenging job and I struggle towards the end of my work week, bruises on bruises, but its keeping me fit so there is an up side somewhere in this. No new jobs to apply for, it doesn't look promising so maybe will go to plan b, or in my case plan k by now haha
I am still living in s24 sleepout, i have a radiator and a hot water bottle to keep me warm on the cold winter nights; its actually a lovely little space and I feel quite at home in it. S24 has agreed for me to remain living in it until Easter next year, this will help me save money as renting on my current wage would have me living pay cq to pay cq with no room for any emergency, so this way I can build a buffer up. I am also toying with the idea of doing some extended travel next year, as lets face it I don't have anything else going for my life anymore.
S24 gets married in 2 weeks time, they appear to have everything sorted. H has decided to drive down to the location on the day and leave straight after dinner. It has upset s24 that h was not making the effort to stay like everyone else, and more because s21 was coming with him so would not be staying either, but since then s21 has decided to drive down on his own and stay in my accommodation with me. I have got my outfit - remember my Happy Day Dress that I bought when h first left, well its never been worn and I can just about still fit in it (I had lost oodles of weight when I bought it) so its finally going to be worn. Feelings wise, very apprehensive about seeing H again, it will be nearly 2 years since he left on bd2, but he wont be hanging around so I only have to get through a few hours with him. There will only be 8 of us at the wedding so its not a case of go talk to someone else and ignore he is there !!
On the H front, emails continued for a week beginning of June, just chit chat stuff really and then they stopped. He then emailed me a couple of days ago saying that he is giving me the rest of what he owes (not much so dont get excited), hoped things were ok with my job and how am I. I replied to his email, saying that it feels a bit sad about having the money in one lump sum instead of his current monthly payments as it feels like the last tie between us is being cut. He replied that its not the last tie, that we still have the boys connecting us, well s21 at least as s24 is barely talking to him these days, communication has fizzled out over this year and that s21 has said that its because s24 is seeing me having to live in his sleepout , alone and sees it as being h fault and that once i move out and become settled then he hopes s24 will come around again. BAHAHAHAHA seriously, what ??
s21 happened to be visiting at the weekend so I managed to get him alone for a while to talk to him about the email. He said that his dad kept asking him if he had heard from s24 and is he ok, and does he know why s24 is not talking to him anymore. He kept asking and asking until s21 got so fed up he just guessed at a reason. Well seems h has taken it as fact and now appears to blame me for s24 not talking to him anymore !!? Apparently h also said to s21 "doesn't s24 realize that I have suffered and struggled just as much as mum, I have had it just as hard, but I have picked myself up and got on with it, your mum had a really good job (laughable) and a lovely home (that I could not afford to stay in) , it was her choice to move, its not my fault its not worked out for her" ummmmmmm let me remind you of the promises to keep me safe and secure for the rest of my life if I gave up having a career to look after your children and following you around the world career chasing ...... grrrrrrr what does he think I should be doing - great job, fantastic wage, bought a home and found a new man ?!
Anyway, s21 just laughed at it, said that his dad lives in denial and that he puts on a happy front, says life is great to all around him, but he is just faking it until he makes it, as underneath it he is deeply confused, guilty and unhappy. I did write back explaining that I am staying in the sleepout through choice not necessity and whilst there is probably some merit to what s21 has told him that it goes deeper than that for s24 and he needs to work it out with him. Then I deleted the email as I feel that I am justifying myself to him and why should i have to do that?
He seems to pop up every now and then, finding a reason to say hi, the emails are less about the boys and more chit chat. As for me, I can't really be bothered about him anymore, I see him as following a pattern of chasing happiness and not finding it (the latest is to release his pension early and use it as a deposit to buy a house), I see the manipulation within his contact, so I have stepped right away, the focus is completely on me these days. I feel total panic that I dont have a secure future for my grey years. I see the poverty and hardship ahead of me and that scares me a lot. I am still very lost in what I want to do, where I want to be and who I want to be, I suppose the first step was to let go of h which I have done, now its the long and difficult road to discovering my own happiness and self.
So for now I am just going to work, taking walks on the beach and getting through the winter, looking forward to spring and some warmth again.
