Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

[Did]

Thanks everyone for the input. Yes I was pursuing and making a ton of mistakes up until a few months ago. I guess there has definitely been some improvement. The improvement comes and then she waivers. Then I have screwed it up. I just have to be stronger. I am committed to doing what works even if it feels opposite... what it feels like to me doesnt really matter.

There were many times in the past which stopped as I started DBing when I asked to come see D3. Also I work and she doesnt so my time is limited with D3 because I am the only one earning money. Plus she wants this separation... I guess these reasons mean nothing... it is what it is.

Sandi- Im not blaming your advice just talking about how hard it is for me. As I have read NMMNG almost 2x through now. If its hard or youre scared - do it. So, just tell her no dont need to explain myself. Stand firm. Let her be mad and explode - stand strong. In doing IC I have talked in depth about wanting to keep the peace. I guess that is a nice guy tendency...

Steve- I read some of Black8's posts - ouch. It could always be worse. I also read Ithurts posts and he is watching movies and cuddling with his wife when they divorced 4 years ago! Crazy life. I just feel so strongly that most people can work through these issues and people just think divorce is the way out. Im really strongly opposed to that. But I still feel like I have to accept that I am going to end up divorced.

Im trying to detach, GAL, etc... I just booked my trip to Hawaii in October so that's something to look forward to. I tried to go with W in the past well I'll do it just for me this time around.

She texts me - what did D3 have for dinner. Ordered her fun pool / beach toys then describes all toys. I was brief, food she ate / good idea on toys that will be fun at the pool... not going to text her unless she reaches out to me first.

Keep the advice coming, thanks again

[Did]

W texts last night a school related question. I didnt reply for an hour. She then said i guess you’re out be safe. I answer question and said have a good night hope D3 sleeps well. Didn’t respond about what I was doing. I assume she is anxious or wondering. But oh well right she doesn’t need to know what I’m doing. Was that exchange handled ok?

[sandi2]

In doing IC I have talked in depth about wanting to keep the peace. I guess that is a nice guy tendency...

Yes, it is a nice guy tendency. In fact, that is why he finds himself in the mess he's in today, b/c he allowed the W to run the show.....thinking that's the way he'd get peace.

Let me respond to what you said about not feeling like the advice is drawing you closer to your W, b/c I think this is important for everyone. Initially, the LBH is desperately looking for something that will have fast results in fixing his MR. Here's the thing...….when the man is having to reclaim his b@lls, and the WW is having to learn she doesn't get to rule his life, there's not going to be a quick fix. (There wouldn't be a quick fix, anyway, b/c she doesn't want him anymore.) In the beginning, she is going to resist, buck, and stew whenever he tells her, "no". That's okay. He was fired as her H, so that means it is not his job to make her happy, keep her satisfied, or appease her. Some nice guy out there is probably thinking, "But if giving her what she wants will keep the peace, then why not do it"? First of all, it doesn't buy him real peace. That's what he needs to understand. The fact that his W is wayward and wanting a D shows that this pattern of passivity, doesn't work. Yes, it will be harder now, b/c he should have been standing up to her throughout their M. He thought he was keeping the peace, but it was doing nothing but creating a monster.

He has his focus on the wrong thing. It all goes back to the issue of his lost respect. If he really wants a true reconciliation, he has to stand up for himself, and he has to be able to leave her alone. Rather than focusing on getting peace, he needs to focus on getting respect. Peace follows respect. Respect leads, and peace follows. If he tries to put peace in the lead, respect won't follow.

So, don't freak out if you don't feel you and W are drawing closer. You are finding yourself and showing that she can't rule your life and the time you have with D3...... the way she tried to rule in the past. It takes time for her to be convinced that she can't control you and that she has to respect your boundaries. She'll try these little tests, but if you stand firmly, she'll finally accept that you are your own man. When she sees she cannot disrespect you as a man, then she'll start to feel some degree of respect. I don't know how long it will take, but if the H is not a total jerk in how he communicates with her, I believe he will merit respect.

BTW, may I suggest something for a boundary? I don't know how much time you spent texting WW while you were in the movies with D3, but I would suggest that once W contacts you and you've told her "no", you might add something like..... "Can't talk now. Out with D3." If she starts blowing up the phone, you need to turn it off. I don't like doing some activity with another person who is constantly texting. Although your child is small, she knows if something else has daddy's attention. Don't let those phones control your life. If you spend most of your time explaining to her where you stand on something......she is manipulating your time.

[Did]

Thanks Sandi spot on and really needed this today. There have been times Ive been out and W has called 17 times months and months ago. I didnt answer. So this is not a new thing when she freaks out.

I think the respect was shattered and it is slowly growing. I have taken 2, 3, 4 steps forward, 1 or 2 steps back... when she asked to hang out have a drink and I pushed for it instead of saying maybe or not seeming so into it. I want to R but I know it will only work if she admits to her own weaknesses and works on herself. Yes I need to continue finding myself. GAL, leave her alone, take care of myself at a high level, consistency etc.

Really appreciate your time. If / when I disagree with you Im not saying Im right or your wrong just trying to understand.

[Did]

Really wish I could make some strides of progress between W and I. Wish we could spend quality time and reconnect. But that couldn’t be further from where we are at. Keep doing my thing solo...

[TBSakaJ9]

It took me 6 months of no pusuit and minimal contact before my x loosen up. Stick to the plan

[Did]

Thanks J. You ended up with a D though right? I feel like I have to do something to make an impact and get her to want to pursue me. Or we will just be in her perpetual maybe but I don’t know what I want zone.

[TBSakaJ9]

Yep.....and when their mind is made up there is little you can do.

[Did]

My W had said she thought D was inevitable 6 months ago. Now she says shes confused. I want to do something to help her see the lighthouse. I guess its just the complete DB package... wish I could do more.

[TBSakaJ9]

If she is confused I would keep doing what your doing.. when I pulled away my x never moved closer