In doing IC I have talked in depth about wanting to keep the peace. I guess that is a nice guy tendency...
Yes, it is a nice guy tendency. In fact, that is why he finds himself in the mess he's in today, b/c he allowed the W to run the show.....thinking that's the way he'd get peace.
Let me respond to what you said about not feeling like the advice is drawing you closer to your W, b/c I think this is important for everyone. Initially, the LBH is desperately looking for something that will have fast results in fixing his MR. Here's the thing...….when the man is having to reclaim his b@lls, and the WW is having to learn she doesn't get to rule his life, there's not going to be a quick fix. (There wouldn't be a quick fix, anyway, b/c she doesn't want him anymore.) In the beginning, she is going to resist, buck, and stew whenever he tells her, "no". That's okay. He was fired as her H, so that means it is not his job to make her happy, keep her satisfied, or appease her. Some nice guy out there is probably thinking, "But if giving her what she wants will keep the peace, then why not do it"? First of all, it doesn't buy him real peace. That's what he needs to understand. The fact that his W is wayward and wanting a D shows that this pattern of passivity, doesn't work. Yes, it will be harder now, b/c he should have been standing up to her throughout their M. He thought he was keeping the peace, but it was doing nothing but creating a monster.
He has his focus on the wrong thing. It all goes back to the issue of his lost respect. If he really wants a true reconciliation, he has to stand up for himself, and he has to be able to leave her alone. Rather than focusing on getting peace, he needs to focus on getting respect. Peace follows respect. Respect leads, and peace follows. If he tries to put peace in the lead, respect won't follow.
So, don't freak out if you don't feel you and W are drawing closer. You are finding yourself and showing that she can't rule your life and the time you have with D3...... the way she tried to rule in the past. It takes time for her to be convinced that she can't control you and that she has to respect your boundaries. She'll try these little tests, but if you stand firmly, she'll finally accept that you are your own man. When she sees she cannot disrespect you as a man, then she'll start to feel some degree of respect. I don't know how long it will take, but if the H is not a total jerk in how he communicates with her, I believe he will merit respect.
BTW, may I suggest something for a boundary? I don't know how much time you spent texting WW while you were in the movies with D3, but I would suggest that once W contacts you and you've told her "no", you might add something like..... "Can't talk now. Out with D3." If she starts blowing up the phone, you need to turn it off. I don't like doing some activity with another person who is constantly texting. Although your child is small, she knows if something else has daddy's attention. Don't let those phones control your life. If you spend most of your time explaining to her where you stand on something......she is manipulating your time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
