Hi Everyone, I wish to post more on others' threads but I want to write an update on my end. This week I received an offer from one of my employers for a full-time position and I sat down with them to negotiate it. I wish to write more about that sometime because there were so many parallels between how that conversation went and how I envision the conversation with my husband would or should go if he were ever to try to reconcile.
Yesterday my husband arrived in our city to visit. When he reached our place he brought some old pictures and documents he found that had special meaning and he took them out right away and showed them to our daughter and I. He also purchased something for our apartment that he immediately went to install. Then he played with our daughter for a while, updated me on his job search, and got ready to leave to go to his family's house. As he was leaving he stopped for a few seconds near me to say something like "thanks for everything...bye...bye" and I tried to say goodbye quietly but I couldn't turn to look at him or smile at that moment because I still have a hard time accepting how he can stop by for a visit and then go to his 'real' family whereas we used to be his family.
Today my husband came and I left to go meet a group of old colleagues. When I returned he asked about my schedule tomorrow and said he and his brother were trying to see if we can meet halfway (between two states) to see his brother and brother's family. I asked if my husband was planning to take our daughter and he said no, everyone wants you to come. I said, "really? That's unexpected because your brother's wife stopped communicating after we separated so I thought they didn't want to stay in touch." My husband said no, she's just been busy, they want to see you, etc.."
Then my husband was complaining how it took him two hours to reach us today and I responded that it's his choice to stay so far away and come back-and-forth. His response was "I need to spend time with my mother. She's going to die soon. She doesn't even know who I am anymore." This is actually true, but I know my husband stays there because of our marriage situation, not because of his mom. Clearly his staying there is a sign that he doesn't want to reconcile but then he wanted me to visit his family's house a few weeks ago and he wants me to join them tomorrow.
Later after my husband left today I was giving our daughter a bath and she said something about how she told her father that she might have a second father someday. A few times earlier this year when my daughter was struggling to understand why her father stopped coming to see her and kept asking if he was coming back I'd say that I really hope he'll come back and spend time with her again. I'd say that I love him and hope we can continue to be a family someday. I've also said a few times that if he doesn't come back I hope to someday find another man who could be like her second father who will fill that role (meaning I hope to get re-married someday or at least find a male role model for her). That was probably wrong of me to say, but this was back when my husband was in the midst of his new relationship with the 26 year old nurse and wanted an immediate divorce. I was trying to reassure our young child that there'll be a father figure in her life one way or another. Ever since then she's said from time-to-time things like "maybe I'll have a second dad someday..." Apparently today she said something like that to my husband and his response was "No! If you ever have a second father I'll push him away!" This statement he made confirms what I wrote in a previous post about how I believe my husband would try to come back if I were in another relationship. I don't even have plans to date, we're still married and even if we divorce I don't plan to date anyone any time soon, but if I were in a new relationship I think that would evoke a major response from my husband.
Those are a few examples of how things are going but I keep wondering if it'll keep being like this forever. The tension is generally gone. The communication is good. I've succeeded at practicing DB and the LRT again in recent months after not doing a good job of it when I was ill. I feel confident I've overcome some of my flaws (like making sarcastic comments, asking too many questions, being too obsessive about planning and cleaning, etc..). My career is going well now. Things are generally better but I still feel totally clueless about the status of my marriage.
Last year the psychologist who saw my husband and I in separate appointments said my husband will always choose the path of least resistance. Meaning my husband will do whatever is easiest to get what he wants. I imagine my husband is probably happy with our current arrangement - he has his freedom living separately but he can still see us when he wants. But the times he's been crying on the phone recently indicate he's not entirely happy. Sometimes it's just hard to stay patient not knowing what will happen. It'll soon be a year since my husband left a second time. That's a pretty long time. Perhaps our lives are too separate now to reconcile and too much damage has been done after my husband's second destructive chaotic phase but I still don't want to get divorced. I wonder sometimes if there's anything else I should do, or something I should see that I'm not seeing, but otherwise it seems like I could keep writing these updates every week for months and they'll stay the same. Sorry to bore everyone. Perhaps I'll stop writing about my situation until there's some kind of breakthrough.
