I spent last night at a friend's house which was great. I slept really well and had a good time hanging out with him, his wife and their baby. The 6 hour drive back home was remarkably normal as I listened to a book on tape. I was calm, and in a good place. WAW had asked me to text with my ETA so I did and she told me to be safe and let me know that I got in. But I didn't respond.
However, the house is a different matter. It's about as I expected. Hard. I haven't seen the place in 2 months. I haven't spent a night here in 4 months. The master bedroom is half empty, a single pillow lying on it, the closet vacant, the bureau half-empty. The second bedroom/her office is completely vacant. The walls are mainly bare. All photos of the two of us, and there were many, are gone. I was going to take them down anyway, but it still stings. There was a fire smoldering in the fire-pit out back with paper burning, it makes me wonder if that is where the photos ended up.
I have been reading the Little Book of Letting Go, and one of the exercises is to stop all worrying thoughts in their tracks by focusing on a positive thought, something that connects me to someone/something. I don't know how that works with leaning in to emotions and letting myself feel them. So far I haven't been able to find tears, but it is hard to be in this house, in this condition, half-undone but yet still full of memories of our life together. I think it is normal to have these struggles and nostalgia as I first come back. I just wonder if I will be able to move past it as I live in it.
On the bright side, my beautiful dog is lying at my side, and I can still tell her that I love her. Tomorrow I'm off to exercise, unpack fully, and get ready to teach a class on Monday.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
