Maika and Sandi, I big part of me really wants to let the W know that we're probably not gonna be able to do the weekend with the families. It will hurt and it will be hard if I go that route. I'm not sure her bros and sisters know about the affair. I don't think they would like it though. They all know about the separation. I'm sure she just told them that its been years in the making and its finally hit the breaking point. But then fails to say anything about this little fling going on right at the same time. My family is well aware of the sitch and of course they all want to see me happy. They are all in shock at her behaviors and don't understand it quite like I do. They have no clue what a WW is so it confusing to them. My family is very supportive which is good.
And then part of me wants to go and see how things go. I want to detach and be neutral and really show the fun side of me again. I totally get she is a WW and sees no hope in our M and wants to move on with out me no matter what.
Steve and ovrrnbw, I'm glad you're here to let me know that I need to be short on words. I keep talking way too much and it just helps her know she is making the right decision. I usually realize this after we are done talking.
Is it weird that I think it will be awkward at a family event knowing that we are heading to D? Should I ask what she thinks of it? We planned this a while ago before we got to this point.
So, the best thing for me to do from this point on is what? Continue to detach, GAL, follow the rules. Is there anything I should do to get her attention?
My daughter spent most the day with W yesterday and went to a movie last night. On the drive home after movie my d15 told her mom that she is very emotionally exhausted and missed our old family life when we were all together. Her mom just basically brushed her off and said that she has very emotional days too. My daughter told me that her mom got a prescription for sleeping pills. I guess she doesn't sleep at night. I figure either she extremely worried and stressed or feeling guilty. She used to sleep like a rock at home. I really think she is fighting this with all she's got and trying to convince her self its everything will be alright.
Today is Friday and I am headed to the cabin. I hope all of you have a great weekend and I will check back on your replies later. Thanks for all of your support very much.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Perfect posts from Sandi, Maika, Steve and ovrrnbw. I really have nothing more to add than to say I agree with them 100%.
Quote
Is it weird that I think it will be awkward at a family event knowing that we are heading to D? Should I ask what she thinks of it? We planned this a while ago before we got to this point.
-Slaps forehead- Ugh. You're talking to her WAY too much. NO you shouldn't ask her that. Who cares how long it's been planned, she just dropped the bomb on you that she's actively working on the D papers. That changes EVERYTHING. CANCEL THE TRIP. Frankly if it's your sister's cabin I would tell her "sorry but since we are no longer a couple you no longer have access to the cabin or my family. I hope you will respect my wishes."
Quote
So, the best thing for me to do from this point on is what? Continue to detach, GAL, follow the rules. Is there anything I should do to get her attention?
-Slaps forehead harder- First of all, START to detach. You haven't even begun that. You are clinging to the rope so tight your knuckles are turning white. Let go! Second, NO there is NOTHING you should do to "get her attention". That would be the OPPOSITE of what you should be doing, which is leaving her ALONE.
I agree with AS after reflecting more. Cancel the reunion. Well you can't cancel the reunion but you can tell her she can't host it at your sister's cabin. As AS said, that is reserved for your W, not someone that no longer wants to be your W.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She said " You'll will be glad to hear that me and the OM are not a thing anymore" I just stood there. And then I said well to be honest it was never right to begin with and it would never last. Inside I was thinking this is awesome. But now she is grieving over the OM and is really having a hard time. This is where I need Sandi. I basically said well when you wanted to be separated you told me you wanted to just go be you and find yourself and then you hook up with some dude you work with.
That was a great response......if only you had left the rest of it off.
Quote
I said, what you really need to do is do what you told me and everyone else you were going to do. I said You need to be by yourself and figure yourself out.
If she didn't ask for advice, then don't be telling her what she should do. Women hate for a man (especially a man she has left) to start telling her what she should do. I am glad that you didn't start jumping up in the air, kicking your heels together in joy, when she gave the news. Don't get your hopes up. Remember, she's addicted to this affair.
Quote
I asked if she would like a hug and she said no. I said thats fine and then I pretty much left.
It's best no to offer hugs.
Quote
So whats my next move???
GAL like crazy! Don't initiate contact with her. It would be extremely rare for her not and OM not to make contact. Plus, they work together, so that is an impossible situation. Why? B/c when a woman is addicted to an A, all it takes for her to feel as if she's had a hit from her drug is to get a text, hear his voice, or see a picture of him. That's why affair partners cannot continue working at the same place. Many reconciled couples in small towns have to move to another location, just so there is no chance of the affair partners accidently running into each other.
It is critical that you don't do anything to pursue her, or try to rescue her from anything she might be feeling, b/c she must experience the withdrawals in order to get over it. Unless she tells you she wants the M to continue, then don't see this as your clue to step in as soon as OM exits the picture. Many WW's end their A, but don't want to go back to their LBH. The biggest concern, if she doesn't patch up things with OM....is finding OM#2. Again, it's b/c of the thrill she got from the affair that would drive her back to OM or another man. She'll need a lot of time to figure things out. If she gets through the withdrawals and doesn't decide to live the single lifestyle, then she may want to work on the MR...….or not. Whatever she decides, it needs to be without you pushing and pursuing her. You will have to resist the temptation to offer your help.....if she hasn't asked for it. If she decides she really wants to go back home, she'll let you know. If she decides she wants "you", she'll let you know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Steve and thank you Sandi! Today I left work early to get out of town. I really am now committed to GAL and detach and no contact unless necessary. I learned my lesson so many times over and over. All results are NEGATIVE. So now I'm listening loud and clear. I need to live every min for me and kids...not her...I have been hanging on for dear life. Time to let go. Typing on a phone isn't that easy, how do those kids do it. Thanks for input..let me know if there's anything else..you're all awsome.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
So, how would one go about letting the W know that the family get together is off? Text or phone call or in person. Is there certain verbage that you would use? My daughter is at dinner with W. She just texted me saying that her mom is texting OM right in front of her. D15 is so mad right now.So I guess its back on...no surprise there. It will crumble again soon.
Last edited by LANE777; 08/04/1803:22 AM.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I've been thinking about this for a while. Based on what's going on. I think it would be best that we don't go to my sisters cabin with your family. What are your thoughts ?
Haven't heard back yet. My guess is shes kind of freaking out about it.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Well, guess it's kind of late......but I suspect your W will have her family meet in your sister's cabin, regardless of your feelings. If so, then it will be up to you to decide to join or not. If she goes through with it, then you might consider telling her that you will not be attending anything else where you have to play happy family with her. That draws a line in the sand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So I really never heard back but my sister and husband did. My W mom texted my brother in law asking if they could come to the cabin on those dates. He passed it on to my sister to handle. I told them its up to them. They decided not to respond. They know whats going on and are disrespecting my feelings for sure. So yesterday I was driving home and the W called and asked when I would be home so she could spend her time with the kids. Why wouldn't she text? no big deal but its seems she would normally avoid talking to me. The conversation was very short. So since she never replied to my text, I texted asking her if she wanted to talk about it. She replied,"There really isn't anything to talk about, sounds like its done, I told my mom we weren't doing it." my reply was "ok, i never heard back from you so was just wondering". I called and asked my sister if they were still trying to reserve the cabin, she said she hadn't heard anything but would let me know if they did. It seems to me the W is trying to get more and more distant from me. I am just trying to step back as far as I can right now. While I was gone, she came a got a lot more of her belongings from our house. She spent a few hours with the kids and then they are home with me till Wed. I'm not sure when she plans to bring the papers for me to look over. A few things really bothers me about this whole mess. For one, her family really doesn't know the depth of this. I'm sure shes told her siblings that we are seperated but leaving out the part that she is having an A. I so bad want them to know. She still go around saying her and OM are just friends. She even told my oldest D that they are just friends. My d told her mom not to lie and that she knows whats going on. The other thing is her parents just enable her to live there for free and know she is seeing another man even though they don't agree with it. I feel my sitch is so pathetic at times and know we are way better than this. I'm pretty sure her and OM are back on again, but not sure and right now I kinda care but really just disappointed in everything that's going on in my life right now. I know our M wasn't perfect but it def wasn't horrible. It wasn't bad enough for her to walk out of 17 years and 4 kids. Everyone that know about it are in total shock. They cant believe she is doing this. The only ones that are not in shock are probably the people she works with or her family members who don't know about the affair she's been hiding. I'm going to coast this week and avoid any contact at all. My mind is exhausted and it has made me physically exhausted as well. Better get back to work.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Hello Friends, Today has been a tough day for me for some reason. I guess there's good days and then there's bad days right? Yesterday was a decent day until later in the evening. Now that I'm a single dad, I get to go grocery shopping. I'm getting used to it and actually don't mind sometimes. In my last post I mentioned that my wife and I canceled our annual trip with her family. My mother in-law tried to go around and secure the cabin with out me. My sister and brother in law did not respond. I thought it was done. So the W called me last night to resurrect the cabin. I basically told her that they probably needed to find another place and that it was very disrespectful to my already hurt feelings to have her mom try to do that. I told her that my S and BI did not want to be involved in any way shape or form so don't bother asking again.
(It just so happens that my W mom is the aunt to my brother in-law)
I told them they could probably request in the future but now is not the right time. My sister is not happy with W right now and was disappointed that they don't even care. Just as I am typing this my wife sent a text to all of her family and me saying " So the cabin trip is a no go. I'm sorry to all who were planning on it. We will plan a day trip to the Lake by cabin on Saturday. Please let me know who can make it. So here we go. I hope this is the tough love/ she needs to know what its like to be separated/divorced. It feel very broken about all of this today. This was a family I loved to be with. They are now texting the food arrangements for the event. I don't know why but I really want her world to crumble. I feel like I'm in hell. I need some positive input today guys. I've stepped way back. I keep all contact at a minimum. I know GAL like crazy. I feel like I need to do more, but that is wrong. I need her to see what life is like without me etc.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
