Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

[sandi2]

I’ve been trying to do what you say and it’s very difficult for me. I appreciate your advice and hope it will continue. As is mentioned on here often it feels counter intuitive.

If you've read the series of threads on the WW, then I'm pretty sure you were warned that none of this is what you feel like doing. If you've ever read my signature line, you were told it's not about what you "feel" should work. It's about doing what works. I suspect some of these other guys have told you it is very counterintuitive. Being a nice guy doesn't help, b/c you want to act according to your nice guy patterns. It doesn't work. That's what we are trying to tell you. You can't act out of your emotional needs, if you want to get your W back. So, it's your decision. You either want to do what works, or you want to pursue her.

This text argument yesterday came from me trying to stand up for myself she wanted to come see D3 last night I said too much. Tried to explain myself instead of just being short and saying sorry were at a movie. Explained my whole thought process and what she got out of I think was- you want to be separated so you have it and that’s why we miss our daughter.

You mess up when you start trying to "explain" yourself. That is a common trait I see here with nice guys. Just tell her no, she can't come over to see D3, and don't go off into explaining yourself. FWIW, I think there comes a time that the LBH has to talk pretty straight to his WW, who has a sense of entitlement. He's always given her whatever she wanted, so she thinks he should continue handing it over. She didn't like it. So what? She'll learn to respect your time with you kid. That's the problem, she does not respect you. She won't like it the first few times you stand up for yourself, but you must be firm.

It's you that is having the difficult time, b/c your feelings are screaming to retreat to your nice-guy pattern. I understand you are suffering. That's why I am trying to help you.

Explained my whole thought process and what she got out of I think was- you want to be separated so you have it and that’s why we miss our daughter. She shot back you want to put that guilt on me go F yourself I should have never had to make that decision if you weren’t a bad husband. I backtracked apologized even though what’s I said was true.

This is how she operates. She's a bully. She blows up at you, calls you a bad H...….and you sink everything you previously said by backtracking and apologizing. So tell me, why are you blaming my advice when you can't stand up to your W? Look, when you stand up to her and she explodes...…..just let her explode all over herself. It does not mean you are suppose to backtrack and apologize! That's the moment you are suppose to stand firm. That's when she'll begin to realize she can't control you. The results? She'll see that she really is losing you and 50% of the time with her daughter. You've got to stand up for yourself, or she will bully you and lay guilt trips on you to get her own selfish way.