Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

It hits on so many levels of the human condition. It seemed to me that it would resonate with many of our situations here in one way or another. I'm glad you guys got something out of it.

[hongaku]

Just journaling a bit. This past week hasn't been very eventful in terms of interactions with W, but I did lay the gauntlet down with respect to my time with the kids and let her know explicitly that 50/50 custody is non-negotiable for me, as is having an equal voice in major/important decisions in their lives. As a reminder, she had previously attempted to give me an agreement, which I refused to sign, in which she would be the sole decision maker and I would only see my kids about 25-30% of the year. I was polite about it, but definitely assertive. It felt good to stand up like that. I suspect she may be beginning to understand that this process is not going to go as she clearly planned. I still desire for things to eventually head towards reconciliation, but I'm getting prepared to have to protect my personal interests in this regardless of what it will mean for her financially, etc. I don't want things to get ugly, and I won't be on my end, but if she remains determined to follow through with D, then I'm going to have to only care about the impact on me and my boys when it comes down to it, period.

My S13 had his birthday this past Sunday and I was able to take him out just the two of us for an awesome day and then he spent the night and we had great conversation, played video games, ate pizza and watched some really cool anime together. Among the gifts I gave him was a bottle of quality cologne now that he's young man at 13 and I thought it an appropriate "manly" thing to give him. He really liked it and I taught him how to properly put it on to not overdo it. We did some exercises the next day and I taught him how to do pull ups, dips, planks and gave him a short strength training routine he can do on his own. It was awesome being able to have that one on one time with him and give him some good male bonding time.

I had a great interview this week for a really good position at a university and I'm crossing my fingers that I get it. I really honestly thought I would've already had a job months ago at this point and it's getting pretty tough to keep my head up about it as I've been applying to as many jobs as I can daily for going on 8 months now. Quite frustrating.

I'm just trying to stay busy otherwise and have been hanging out a good bit with my cousin and his friends this week, too. They are much heavier partiers than I am though, so it can get a little crazy to be around since I generally just have a couple of beers and these folks are taking it to a level I haven't personally experienced since high school and college. They took me to a "club" last night for the first time in my life with a DJ blaring electronic dance music. Perhaps not a novelty for some, but as a person who never experienced that scene, it was very affirming that it was indeed NOT my scene. Still, it was something I'd never done before and would not have otherwise been exposed to.

Looking forward to taking my boys to the movies this Sunday and hopefully having pleasant interactions with my W in the process. Obviously, I will be sticking to the 37 rules and focus on the kids, not her. She may want to discuss the time with the kids issue and some logistics involved in that, so I want to be ready for anything like that and keep a positive mental attitude.

I hope everyone here on the forum has a great weekend! I'll leave you with this awesome quote from the novel Dune by Frank Herbert:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

[hongaku]

Out of the blue, W calls me a little while ago and says she wants to go to the movie with the boys and me tomorrow. Totally not reading anything into it at all. Not sure how I feel about her cutting in on my time with them, but it's the first time she's expressed interest in tagging along, so... why not?

[ovrrnbw]

This is interesting, try not to read into to much and don't have any expectations! Good luck!

[hongaku]

I'm in a really bad place right now. I thought I was making progress detaching and changing my outlook, but I have been a mess since we all went to a movie together on Sunday as a family. I was fine before, during and after, being really positive and upbeat, confident. Then a few hours later I just broke down and have been stuck here since.

I don't know what to do. Being all together must have triggered something and I realize now that all I was probably doing was just repressing my pain rather than actually detaching and shifting to a positive outlook. I don't really believe yet that I'm truly going to be alright without my W. I don't really believe yet that I will truly be able to cope with a broken family. I keep coming back to the thought that I will end up taking my own life eventually. I don't feel that life is worth living this way.

[jaylove]

I feel your pain. I lost my first wife tragically 14 years ago and never thought I’d get over it. Really one just learns how to live with the pain. I didn’t think I’d find anyone else and ended up with my current W who filed for D a few weeks ago, so now the pain of losing my first W is made worse my this sitch. I felt suicidal too but at the end of the day I couldn’t leave my kids orphaned.
I feel like I’m also repressing the pain of my sitch, I don’t think it’s really possible so soon after the BD to be able to detach fully.
I really hope it gets better for you, I’m fine in the afternoons and evenings but wake up and feel so sad and anxious every morning.
Stay strong

[LANE777]

Hong--I am having a horrible day today myself. I know how you feel when you say You don't truly think you will be alright without your wife and being able to cope with a broken family. This is so new to us that we are still stuck thinking its all going to be back to normal. I keep coming back to the forums because you guys no what I am feeling. Today I came home and cried for a minute...I'm so emotionally destroyed. So heres the deal. You wrote some good stuff on my thread a few days back. It made me feel good. You gave me advice and I took it. Please take your own advice. I bet you would have told me not to go to the movies...However I probably would have gone anyways. I am proud that you are trying like crazy to get your W back. Ive been told its a marathon. Its going to take a while. I feel like if we detach from our Ws long enough we will be better off in the long run. My oldest D15 is a wise soul. She just looks at me and says " Dad, your doing everything right" "Let her go figure it out" " She knows what we want and she's putting on a show like she's happy"
Hong-- we have to be stronger than the WW. I feel so weak but know I have to be strong. You and I need to show our kids who the stable one is. They will know more when they grow older. Don't ever breath a word about taking your life because thats just passing the pain and hurt on to the ones who love you. I will be praying for everyone on here from here on out. I want all of us to find our happiness again. Our worlds were turned upside down by one person. I know we will all have better days soon. So lets keep each other motivated. Keep detaching brother. You can do it.

[lusa]

I feel your pain too Hongaku. I also regularly feel that I might not be ok without her and might not be able to live with my family staying broken.

What has helped me is to know its ok to feel that way. It's almost a relief to know its ok to feel like that. Its not wrong and it doesn't mean I'll feel like that forever.

Accepting my feelings are there and just sitting with them seems to bring peace even if the feelings are horrible.

Hang in there buddy, weather the storm.

[neffer]

Think positive Hongaku. Keep spending time with your kids. Get the energy from it, enjoy that time.

Keep strong H

[hongaku]

Thanks for the encouragement, folks. I do very much appreciate it. I'm still stuck in a low place and none of the things that have been previously effective are helping at all (meditation, walking/running, strength training, etc.).

My W is not making it easy for me to spend time w/my boys. Last night I texted her that we still need to discuss equal time for visitation. She has basically ignored the fact that it's what needs to happen and what I'm legally entitled to. She texted me back "I am still thinking about it", to which I replied "It’s not negotiable other than the schedule." I don't know if this was me being assertive or being an a-hole (my NGS makes it hard to tell the difference sometimes), but I do know that I don't get to spend nearly enough time w/the kids.

She is acting like she's entitled to have complete control over them and I get what time she "gives" me. I know that because she is a child of divorce at a very young age and grew up with only her mother, older brother (who is gay, which is totally cool, but also means he wasn't exactly a strong male influence), and a revolving cast of alcoholic and abusive boyfriends that her mother brought home, that she has a very distorted view of the importance of a stable father in the lives of children - and particularly the importance for male children. And obviously the importance of marriage and how it can really take a lot of work to get through problems was also not modeled well for her.

Knowing all this doesn't change a thing though. My sitch is still what it is and my world is still completely upside down. I still don't have a job yet and that has been a killer at many levels, from my own self-respect and need for income to being able to start getting some degree of respect back from my W. It's one of the 2 primary issues that have my W wanting to do this and I can self-improve, treat my depression and sort out my NGS until the cows come home, but it will only address half of the problem. And then, even if I DB like crazy, become the best me I can be and get a good job, it still might not make any d@mn difference at all.

I feel like I'm about to completely lose it. I'm trying to keep it together and find my way back to some kind of positive outlook, but I just don't know how at the moment. I guess I just have to ride this storm out and hope it passes soon.