Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

[Did]

It was for her to talk to D. I FaceTime because I hate texting I always say the wrong thing. So of course We had a big text fight. She asked to come over tonight to see D I did not respond while in movie theatre seeing incredibles. Then she goes I really miss her. I said you will see her tomorrow. She said you ask to come see her all the time. I said you want to be separated so this is the way it is. She talked about guilt and go f yourself etc. after I tried to backpedal and explain / apologize she said she was full anxiety mode. Again FaceTimed later for her to talk to D. Again she is in bed at 6pm this time.

I am just done trying. Detach gal dating whatever. She never gives second chances. She is confused. It Is what’s it is.

[Did]

I am sure I blew another opportunity and I am definitely sure I am frustrated.

[sandi2]

W asks if I want to hug I said if you want long hug... BS tired of it.

IMHO, the WW should be told flat out....."NO!" Are you serious? Why should you hug her? And, why would you want a hug from her? I just don't understand it. Do you feel that desperate for a non-sexual touch from someone who has treated you so badly? You asked her if she wanted to give you a hug...…..

If you are truly tired of her b.s., then why couldn't you speak up and say, "Hell no, I don't want a hug!"

[Did]

I could say hell no I don’t want a hug. But in reality yes I do want to hug and hold her. She left and hasn’t come back. I just feel like sandi with following your advice aren’t we just going to be driven way further apart

[sandi2]

Maybe this is just me projecting what I want or think she should want. For the most part DB and the advice on here is doing the opposite of what I think I should do.

So now you have a problem with DBing and the advice b/c it's not what you want to do. Okay, so what do we do with that?

How about every now and then a text like I hope you and D3 have a great day? Being positive? Support has always been really important to W. Unconditional support especially she never had from her family...

It is pursuing. Call it whatever you want, but it is pursuit and a WW doesn't want to be pursued by the man she left. I believe she would be particularly turned off to see you trying to be so helpful after her A ended with OM. Please believe me when I say it is not a gateway for you to go running after her, She needs to work to get you back again.

How about every now and then a text like I hope you and D3 have a great day? Being positive? Support has always been really important to W. Unconditional support especially she never had from her family...

Okay, let me say this about the support she wants. "Support" is code for wanting you to give into her demands in the divorce. It may also be financial support or support to help her start a business or whatever. Remember, you may speak the same mother langue...….but you don't understand many things she is saying, IMHO.
You may see it as positive, but your WW will see it as pushy (pursuing). She's vulnerable right now, so don't push your luck b/c she's likely to slam the door in your face.

Last contact was yesterday 4pm- we discussed schedule. She thanked me for trying to confirm schedule in advance which is difficult with my job.... I said you're welcome and have a nice day... then she her and D3 were going to the Library. I have not responded.

That was handled very well. You didn't tell her what she should do. You didn't any push emotional issues, and you didn't bring up the subject of wanting to see her, date, or anything along those lines. Tell her at the end of the conversation to have a nice day...…..was fine. I would not contact her just to tell her to have a nice day. Some women see that as be a bit stalkish at the point. It's okay to add at the end of another conversation. See what I mean?

I could say hell no I don’t want a hug. But in reality yes I do want to hug and hold her. She left and hasn’t come back. I just feel like sandi with following your advice aren’t we just going to be driven way further apart

If you believe my advice is driving you further apart, then I certainly don't have to waste my time trying to give my thoughts on any given subject. (I didn't know that you had actually done any particular action I suggested. I can tell you that you will not get back a successful MR by trying to nice her back. It just won't happen, b/c she is not attracted to your nice guys ways.

[ovrrnbw]

Facetiming her is total pursuit. You are desperately clinging to the connection. Your W knows it. She gets a little bit of you and knows that you are still there for her when you do this.

Buuuttttt, it's for your D3 right? So it must be ok???? I don't think so. She smells your desperation like a coonhound on the trail. Don't kid yourself.

[Did]

Sandi I don’t have the answers just putting my feelings out there. I’ve been trying to do what you say and it’s very difficult for me. I appreciate your advice and hope it will continue. As is mentioned on here often it feels counter intuitive. So yea detaching and not talking instead of getting along and spending time together feels like it’s driving us further apart. But I understand how strong the human nature of wanting what you can’t have is.

I’m going to commit to not pursuing not reaching out. DB and detaching. I know mixing her back is not going to work I recognize those tendnencies and fight them.

This text argument yesterday came from me trying to stand up for myself she wanted to come see D3 last night I said too much. Tried to explain myself instead of just being short and saying sorry were at a movie. Explained my whole thought process and what she got out of I think was- you want to be separated so you have it and that’s why we miss our daughter. She shot back you want to put that guilt on me go F yourself I should have never had to make that decision if you weren’t a bad husband. I backtracked apologized even though what’s I said was true.

Just feeling fed up. But I’m going to continue the work and will follow your advice as best I can and I do appreciated the support.

[Did]

I think her anxiety is tied to the guilt. I just can’t be honest with her. Have to hold back much more if she wants to visit D3 let her?

On FaceTime she calls every morning when she has D3 usually multiple times per day. So D3 is used to that. I wasn’t calling much the last few days then she went out with a friend got drunk was hungover the next day telling me she missed us then the next day asking to visit and I fd it up. Not sure how to play it tho... next time just say well be home at this time. Or be busy..?

[sandi2]

I’ve been trying to do what you say and it’s very difficult for me. I appreciate your advice and hope it will continue. As is mentioned on here often it feels counter intuitive.

If you've read the series of threads on the WW, then I'm pretty sure you were warned that none of this is what you feel like doing. If you've ever read my signature line, you were told it's not about what you "feel" should work. It's about doing what works. I suspect some of these other guys have told you it is very counterintuitive. Being a nice guy doesn't help, b/c you want to act according to your nice guy patterns. It doesn't work. That's what we are trying to tell you. You can't act out of your emotional needs, if you want to get your W back. So, it's your decision. You either want to do what works, or you want to pursue her.

This text argument yesterday came from me trying to stand up for myself she wanted to come see D3 last night I said too much. Tried to explain myself instead of just being short and saying sorry were at a movie. Explained my whole thought process and what she got out of I think was- you want to be separated so you have it and that’s why we miss our daughter.

You mess up when you start trying to "explain" yourself. That is a common trait I see here with nice guys. Just tell her no, she can't come over to see D3, and don't go off into explaining yourself. FWIW, I think there comes a time that the LBH has to talk pretty straight to his WW, who has a sense of entitlement. He's always given her whatever she wanted, so she thinks he should continue handing it over. She didn't like it. So what? She'll learn to respect your time with you kid. That's the problem, she does not respect you. She won't like it the first few times you stand up for yourself, but you must be firm.

It's you that is having the difficult time, b/c your feelings are screaming to retreat to your nice-guy pattern. I understand you are suffering. That's why I am trying to help you.

Explained my whole thought process and what she got out of I think was- you want to be separated so you have it and that’s why we miss our daughter. She shot back you want to put that guilt on me go F yourself I should have never had to make that decision if you weren’t a bad husband. I backtracked apologized even though what’s I said was true.

This is how she operates. She's a bully. She blows up at you, calls you a bad H...….and you sink everything you previously said by backtracking and apologizing. So tell me, why are you blaming my advice when you can't stand up to your W? Look, when you stand up to her and she explodes...…..just let her explode all over herself. It does not mean you are suppose to backtrack and apologize! That's the moment you are suppose to stand firm. That's when she'll begin to realize she can't control you. The results? She'll see that she really is losing you and 50% of the time with her daughter. You've got to stand up for yourself, or she will bully you and lay guilt trips on you to get her own selfish way.

[SteveLW]

Did it really is simple. Continue doing what you did prior to finding DBing. How did that work for you?
Or embrace DBing in all of its unnatural feeling ways and give yourself the best chance at R.
No one here is obligated to follow the advice. Go read black8's latest thread. Followed his own feelings and now regrets it.