2) Yes - your W is all over the place but that is not something new. KUDOS to you for keeping it together!!! You didn't let her punch your buttons!!! You are diffusing her aggressive behavior by reacting calming and assuredly. AND - others noticed. You deserve a large brownie sundae for that! Way to go.
3) You are looking at your situation and at your kids with a world of hurt - so totally understandable. But, what if you took a moment to look at it from your W view. Take out the part that she left you and broke up your family... now look closer. We live in an evolving world but its still hard I'm sure at times for the world to recognize a child may have 2 parents of the same sex. Your W simply wanted recognized as a parent too. Even in divorced settings of heterosexual couples there are issues where one spouse can feel cut out from the children given that exact scenario. Could you have just gone back to admin and gotten W a wristband???
I can tell you that even the walk away spouse can carry anger and resentment because of the failed M. My H was really angry... and he got even angrier when he noticed that I was capable of changes and making things different. His interpretation is that I could have done it all along and didn't want to because he wasn't important... doing it now was like pouring salt in a wound. AND, I've had those exact same words from a dear male friend in a similar circumstance with his W.
So hold your head high and keep moving forward. W notices. BUT, don't forget to step outside and look at it from W view point --- even if its not your own... even if you feel that it was her choice to walk out and with someone else... you don't know her thought process... maybe in her mind she tried and tried but felt your ability to make that connection was too little too late... her behavior now could simply be she is seeing long term change coming about.
I would spend my time biting my tongue and being the better person for the benefit of my kids. Even after her behavior if she suggested you walk out together I would have done it for my kids. Your son notices that you are not reacting emotionally... wonderful!!! Now show them you can make a united front for the sake of those little ones. They are more important than the world of hurt W has thrown at you. When your kids are grown they will know the love and devotion it took to get there. The best advice I can give in drama filled custody issues is that you don't always need to be right.
You are stronger than you were months ago... you go girl!
Kitkat, Wow your words has sunk in hard Thank you yes as I know this will not be our first trip to ER I will make sure to get her a wristband, God knows I don't ever want W ro feel left out I want her to know she is also the other parent. We both are I quickly called W I didn't wait.
What bother me is W coming in and basically kicking me to the curve and yelling am his mom he lives with me until we go to court. In my head and the look on my kids face I was just more hurt why her behavior I even moved aside let her sit with s10 and was very quiet. And yes in W eyes I can't imagine what she feeling my kids are more attach to me they all 3 always have been but since this BD we became closer we now have a bond. We call ourselves the fantastic 4 not in front of W of course but we now have a bond I think W will never get.
I'll be honest it was hard I didn't cry or showed anger nothing but when we got home and they all showered I went in the shower took my cape off of super dadma and cried in the shower and scream in a towel. Because W did bring back those feelings. When W wrap a sweater around me when W brought me my favorite pasta salad and sandwich all I can remember was our good days how good she was or maybe W still is good. I still know God will heal her. But it is hard.
Next time I will wait for W I honestly wanted to and us walk together holding hands with kids between us like we did and I also believe W wanted that but I thought this was temperature check on her and knowing myself I would have put my guard down. Because in reality I love W still and Love my family. I hope maybe now she home today thinking about what happen yesterday. I pray she gets a glimpse of our life. Just a little feeling because I know W is somewhere down there. She is there.
I know this process is hard and I can't imagine the battle W is fighting but I know she can beat this I know she can with lots of praying and help W could do it. But honestly that wound is so deep am not sure if my scar will ever heal.
My kids all said mom we are so proud of you so they know and that's what matters to me them three. I will always keep W posted about kids. Like this morning W didn't text how kids or s10 but I sent her a picture of them three laying down watching tv. No reply but I know I did it for her to have a piece of mind they are ok s10 is ok. Not sure how W will take this but I know I would like a picture if it was me in her shoes.
One day at a time God has a plan
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Well - please note that my pointing out to you that you should have simply got W a wristband was NOT saying her behavior was okay. It was not. But, also note that her behavior could be coming from a source of hurt from the same disappointment in the M that you have but on an other side. That is being able to step out and detach and I now that you are still on that journey but making amazing strides!!!!
You absolutely did the right thing in letting W know you were on way to ER. But, take a step back again. If she didn't txt you to inquire then I would not have given her the update and picture. That is clinging and chasing and pushes her away. I know... I know... what a fine line it is! :-) But, you'll get there. Remember its business right now.
Its easy for me to pick apart things because I have no emotional involvement in you R but rest assured I made many similar assumptions and mistakes when learning to co-parent with my child.
What I want to scream at the top of my lungs to all persons learning to co-parent: DO NOT GET ANGRY, JUDGE OR BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE YOUR EX DOES NOT PARENT THE EXACT WAY YOU DO.
So let me explain. Yes - you have a very close bond... the Fantastic 4. That's wonderful. Even in the depths of disappointment or challenges you will face over the years those 2 words - Fantastic 4, will conjure up strength and reminders of where you came from and that you can do anything. I love it!!! HOWEVER, you need to realize, accept and promote that your children will have a different bond with your W that is equal but I will state different.
For example, I am currently M and have 1 child and 2 step children. All the kids come directly to me for certain things. You need help with homework, asking if you can do something, figuring out some hard stuff, etc BUT, you want to know something about cars, go hunting/fishing they are going to go to my H. The bond I have with the kids is completely different than my spouse as I am a touchy/feely parent and my H runs the house like we are our own branch of the military! LOL. :-)
Now, I have an ex too. And, we co-parent. In last few years my ex moved many states away. We only talk if its directly about our child and its very business like, but after a few years of adjustments its now like business casual! My ex only sees our child physically 3 times a year and can go 6 months between those visits. He does not call for those months and if anything texts on random occasions. That is absolutely NOT how I would parent. I would be facetiming twice weekly for sure, but I have to remember that my realtionship with my son is not the relationship he has with his father. We will always be super close but that doesn't mean at the expense of belittling his father's relationship with him.
A simple take away is this: My ex knew it was the championship baseball game. It was to be a double header with the top 2 ranked teams. Now did my ex contact his son later that day to see if his team won the game??? NOPE. I mean if you or I could not have been there we would have been blowing up the phone to find out what happened and what was the score, etc. However, its just not how my ex is wired. I have to accept that. So after all the celebrating was done I simply just told my son to text his dad the results of the game. Should I have to do that??? NO. But, what followed after my son texted were lots of awesome and way to go texts from his dad. And, you know what??? That my son feel wonderful inside. And, you know the biggest gift I can give my son??? Is to make sure he feels loved by both parents and that's why I do what I do and how I act. I just have a chat with myself - what is the best course to support my child??? He shouldn't pay the price of my broken heart or disappointment with his dad, ever.
Now, I'm very close with my son and I can tell the times he gets a little disappointed with his father. I let him know I'm available to talk and I validate his disappointment but I will also go above and beyond and point out the great things too. Why? I'm the last person to be a cheerleader for my ex BUT, my son will be a far happier and better person if his relationship with his dad is supported than if he is encouraged to bitter and sad about it.
Don't think I came straight out of the gate this way with my ex. It took time for the hurt to dissolve and practice to realize how much drama can bring down kids. You will have an uphill battle because you will need to lead by example. Trust me. Once your W sees you are not reacting to her button pushing AND you are not judging her you will see more of the behavior at the end of the hospital visit. But, be cautioned walking out with the kids holding your hands like you once did is wonderful behavior for your children to see and experience and feel loved/accepted by both parents, however, it doesn't mean you are getting back together or even on that path. That will tear at your heart. You still have a ways to go on your detachment journey but trust me your kids will bask and glow in that kind of attention from both their parents at the same time.
HUGS!!! You are doing things I'm sure you thought you wouldn't be able to 3 months ago.
Kitcat, Thank you,amd thank you yes I must admit hurt yes that might take a while. Yes 3 months ago I didn't think we would be in a room less than 5 min. But we survived. And my kids actually thank me for keeping my cool. W had her monster moments but when I just nodded and simply kept hands in pocket I could see W then stare at me. W also had her moments with kids while I sat in other chair and read in my phone it was almost 8hrs in ER so much happened.
The only time W monster was when W wanted to be the center of attention nurses and doctors only speak with her. That was weird and I might never understand why W acts or behaves that way. Not sure and am getting where am not also analyzing everything W does.
I been honest and I know my mistakes as a spouse W is military house was run that way. But when kids don't feel good they run to me. So that's nothing new here. But when you see us together you can tell W is mommy I am like dad fix house,cars build kids toys fix broken things.
Yesterday W said I am mommy and thats like daddy, W actually said that because I hate when kids get needles I have tattoos look hard from outside but big bear. Nurses smiled and said we see that but your W is tearing Yes me I cry when kids need stitches or needles I suck at that... lol
So it was a tough 8hrs in a room since BD. And I am getting in a better place with being the better person I reminded kids last week is W birthday to make sure they do birthday card for her and to wake up and sing happy birthday that week they where with W and I call them daily when with W, but W will not call them W can go weeks without a word so I am also understanding that just because I do it W is a different person.
I know I have lots to still learn. About yesterday after s10 was release I told them give mom a kiss and hug because W was busy socializing getting attention. So they did hug W and kiss. Then W seen us walking and said Wait for me. But the old me yes waited for W always. I been up since 6am with kids unexpected ER after dr appointment that turn out er visit. I felt I did my job but to wait not sure I would I know I made sure they said by and hug. I knew all this was temperature check with W as I have lots of female friends and W now is asking kids is am dating and asking lots of questions.
Like you said still in this journey and torn. I know I know longer analyze W anymore does it drive me crazy not to have answers it does but I might never get answers I have accepted that. Now is about raising almost triplets and making sure they are healthy and happy.
Kitcat thank you again for your insight this forum is the only understands what we going through. I was told yesterday why do I even try with W my answer I need to lead by example for kids that's all I care is how they see me. But is freaking hard.
One day at a time
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Journaling, S10 is better still pain I think he might have pulled a muscle is hard trying to keep s10 to relax he is hyper he yet been diagnosed but I knew he has adhd s10 only can stay still if reading or focus on something he has to be doing something with his hands. But this is nothing new lol he been like that always and for me they are kids.
Something interesting has been happening to W, on bd W stop talking to everyone we knew even her friends since middle school W had new younger friends, and OW friends basically a New life. I remember getting text from mutual friends asking if we where ok because W never returned their calls or text. W always been the one to be the life of the party. Well a mutual friend posted a picture on fb saying Thank you for a evening W. And a picture of the ladies together W and friends always got together. I usually cooked for them. But the picture also had OW in it but not smiling at all I mean at all and W it doesn't even look like herself. I know that usually MLC starts to reconnect with friends again So I been monkey braining and trying to see if something is happening. Also since s10 ER scare W has been calling them religiously I of course keep myself busy and don't listen to them but I hear W asking D10 questions because d10 is answering. Example Mommy is cooking and singing I wonder if W ask d10 what was I doing.
I honestly am no longer dissecting W thoughts or movements but is interesting to see her behavior since bd I got to really see the crisis W is going through but as I said before to much Damage I mean to much. W didn't just break me W broke our kids literally to the point there's no turning back.
One thing I can forsure say is mutual friends all had fake smiles. But I know if W is really going through WAW or MLC W can't hide her behavior so only time will tell
Kids and I been having relaxing week due to s10 not feeling well and they start school in 2 weeks. So we been watching movies and snuggling a lot us 4 finally I can relax having my babies all together.
One day at a time
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
When I think W might realize what she has done is wrong separating kids, leaving us. W is back as BD.
As we know court soon. S10 started school I ask for pictures nothing. Then I called s10 yesterday to talk to him and d10 and s9 to speak with him. I didn't get a call after 9pm then W text pretending she didn't know kids had a schedule. For 9yrs our kids been in bed scheduled. I simply replied they in bed at 8:30. W monstering text as this.
W I didn't know kids have a schedule, also I will not be available for you to speak to s10 as I have work and a life, I also shouldn't give you any reasons. And at your beck and call. Also I ask you to remain flexibility as the situation arise. Also I am not ok not able to speak with my children there you go keeping them from speaking with me. Also I don't want kids speaking to each other about how they going be together one day. You should stop them from talking when this is not set stone in court. Thank you.
Sooooo ummmmm nope I didn't even replied sorry there is nothing to say to W. As I know W is once again isolating s10 once again from me and his siblings is so sad. I have reread W text contradicted everything literally. W wants to have a life but I am suppose to be available when W calls or text. I am now confirmed W is to far gone. I know theirs many stages so will you say W is in reply. This was W last year keeping kids away from each other not letting me speak with him. I am at all.
And in the process our kids hurting d10 crying herself to sleep her brother is her twin she misses him s9 acting up. And in process W can only think of herself her life.
As I said I simply don't have any words to say to W, W has always felt she is above the law W doesn't care of the consequences and am done trying to protect her from kids hearing any negativity I try so hard to make so many excuses when W f up.
I am truly done there is no hope for even us to be friends or business partners W is off her rockers.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Keep your pace moving forward marina. I really admire your willingness and determination. Although reading your sitch is infuriating and breakes my heart seeing where you are standing is seeing the light amid the darkness.
I wonder sometimes when will this nightmare be over or dealing with W. Anything I do or say W goes off unfortunately I need to keep W updated on kids. Pickup s10 has sore in mouth and positive on strep throat. W response to text.
M s10 has strep now all kids are in antibiotics please her them new toothbrushes. W. When did you take, what time why is they always sick with you. You always making me look bad blah blah.
No response at all. First strep throat takes days for them to get I just pick up s10 with Sores in mouth and fever. How in the hell I am making up.
Now I also know kids are under stress of course they are sick. Everytime when I think finally things are going get better W has a way of snapping Instead of simply saying OK.
I do lots of reading, therapy and groups sometimes I wonder if we be better If W just vanish like W did in the beginning. I know it will be hard on kids but This is ridiculous the back and forth.
It so hard having a MLC and having young kids involved. There's no way I can Go dark or no contact. Is so hard to have a GAL I pray soon court be over and Kids and I can move on with life. Kids and I need it. We need peace
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
