Just because she broke up with "this" OM doesn't mean that she wants her old life and family back. She's got a lot to process and that may include continuing to "explore her options".
^^^Agreed.^^^ She's on her own journey and all you can do to help is get out of the way. If she wants to recon she will come after you. Until then she doesn't want to and you should ask or pressure or pursue.
Originally Posted by LANE777
She said " You'll will be glad to hear that me and the OM are not a thing anymore" I just stood there. And then I said well to be honest it was never right to begin with and it would never last.
That wasn't the time to try and teach her a lesson or gloat. What she did was wrong, but she's hurting over it and you should back off at times like that. Just a polite "I'm sorry you're going through this" would have been more appropriate. Not sure if you read Sandi's posts elsewhere but now and then she talks about the withdrawals she went through when she decided to work on her M and abandon OM. Sandi is very well-loved and respected by everyone here so if Sandi says she was suffering and in pain about losing OM then you can take it to the bank and assume it is the same for your W. From your perspective none of it seems fair, but from her perspective she is not just losing OM but her fantasy of what life with OM was going to be like.
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I basically said well when you wanted to be separated you told me you wanted to just go be you and find yourself and then you hook up with some dude you work with. I said, what you really need to do is do what you told me and everyone else you were going to do. I said You need to be by yourself and figure yourself out. I asked if she would like a hug and she said no.
OK so you kicked her down into the mud and spat on her and then asked her if she wanted a hug. I'm not surprised at her response. Look I get it, you think she deserves this. But try and have some sympathy for her. This "I told you so" attitude is not earning you any points with her.
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So whats my next move???? I believe its still GAL and be the best version of me as possible.
Yup. Back off and leave her alone. DO NOT break into pursuit mode, just because OM is gone doesn't mean it changed your sitch with her any. Even if she were to come back now it would be for all the wrong reasons and would fail again in the future. She still has a lot of work to do. You do too.
Im starting to believe she gets a rush out of disrespecting me, sneaking around with OM, and leaving trinkets that I believe are from OM but dont have proof, right out in the open in front of me.
She may not be intending to leave them out in the open. The affair fog can affect people this way.
My adult D discovered my activities online, b/c I had left for work without shutting down the computer, and my conversations with OM was left on the computer monitor for anyone to discover. How stupid is that? And I thought I was being so careful.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello everyone, I just read through the replies and yes. You are all correct.
So I thought I would let things ride for a few days. Well yesterday was a good day until I got home. My S14 had taken pictures of all the kids SSN and sent them to W.
My heart sunk a little. She was at work but was also supposed to have kids. Wednesday is the day she gets them back. 8:30 was when she told me she got off work. So about 11 I texted and asked her what was going on. She said " I am closing tonight at 11" So at 11:30 I test "are you off? She replied Not yet why???.... I say "so your supposed to have kids tonight and were you going to tell me they were staying with me???".. she replied " ohI totally forgot. I was thinking its was Tuesday all day.. Sorry!!!. I just let it go.
So today I text " whats the plan for kids" She called and we discussed. Then I asked why she needed the kids SSN's. She replied that is was for paperwork she is filling out...I said so you are filing? She said " yes, this is what I want and I'm tired of this dragging out and I want it done and over with so I can get on with my life...and I don want to wait any longer and so on so on. She attended a class at our local court house that help people wanting divorce get the paper work started. She said she would fill out what she wanted and then give it to me to look over and the agree or disagree. She understands the cost of attorneys etc. She was told by the instructor at least 10k to divorce.
At this point I asked if she realizes the effects it will have on our s6 and d10. I asked if she had done any kind of research on the effects of kids. She said no and that she already made up her mind...WW reply.
She said "if you think I am going to come back in a couple months that isn't happening...I actually said " well I don't think I would want to take you back. She said " well then, whats the hold up?"
It really wasn't heated or anything, she was getting a little worked up. Today she is taking my kids to my sisters cabin. While there she is picking up my oldest d15 who had been away for a couple weeks. d15 is mad at W right now and didn't want to ride 2.5 hours back. So I told W that she didn't want to ride back and the other kids are upset at this whole mess. I guess the whole convo was probably unnecessary. I just wanted a few answers and I guess I got them.
She came to the house and picked up the 3 and acted like nothing was wrong and left. Nothing said at this time accept me saying bye to kids and to drive safe.
W called d15 and asked if it was true that she didn't want to ride back. d15 confirmed that it was true. She wants her mom to know that she is upset with everything and that she knows everything. W got her feelings hurt. She doesn't realize so many people she is effecting.
So its not looking very good for me. I know I need to back way way back now. I assume those papers will be handed to me by next week sometime.
I will be honest, I wasn't expecting her to tell me her and OM were not hanging out anymore. So I really didn't know how to react or what to say. I know I need to think things through better on what not to say etc. Or at least opposite of what I think I should say.
I did mention to her that she just dropped the DB on me just a few weeks ago. And that if she had been planning this for a while she should give me more time to process.
So here I go another day of more bad news. I need some uplifting now and some possible constructive criticism .
This is so hard!!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Im sorry about the recent turn of events Lane. Im keeping you in my prayers, Lord knows I say alot of them. Like they say, it isnt over yet, your story isnt finished. Keep your head up, take care of the kids, and as tough as it seems sometimes keep GAL. I dont know if you believe in God or not, but Ive leaned on him and his word heavily throughout my process, and hes helped me through some dark days.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
equalizer, THANKS for thinking about me and yes, I am keeping my head up high. Today was a very rough day but I am managing to get through. My oldest daughter is home from vacation and she is solid as a rock with me. She went to movie with her mom. The other 3 kids are gone to my other sister cabin. My WW is slowly killing me and it brutal. I wish I could look in a crystal ball into my future and see what it really is. Like you I love and actually miss my old wife...its like she is gone. The WW is not very lovable and I can't seem to get past this. Still going to GAL. Detach mode.
Yes I do believe in God. I will be praying for you. Thanks for the reply today.
Lane
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
So now that the W is really pushing for D. I'm wondering about a something.
She planned a get together at my sisters cabin for her side of the family. She has invited her parents (where she lives) and all of her brothers and sisters families for Aug 16-18.
I'm wondering if I should tell her we cant do this now.
She is dead set on getting this D. Do I cancel the cabin reunion of do we run with it and I try to show her the best version of me as a family man and father?
Let me know your thoughts
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I wouldn't put up with a charade. Do what feels authentic to you. If canceling means inconveniencing everyone, who cares? Being deadset on D and doing all of this means she doesn't get to do 'family' activities and you certainly don't have to go along with it.
Well, my thoughts are that the person who wants the D, needs to see how divorced life looks. No more family get-to-togethers. It might be painful, and it might bring to light some things your W is trying to keep in the dark, and it might cause a fight..…….but what do you have to lose that you haven't already lost? Stop serving her cake! She needs to see some reality of her decision to break up her M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
LANE you said way too much in the phonecall. Remember, you want to use as few words with her as possible. If she says something informational, validate. If she asks something, answer her in as few words as possible. If it is a yes or no, simply say yes or no.
I am not sure what you mean by "cancel" the cabin reunion. Do you have to be there because it is your sister's cabin? I am torn on this one. Do the attendees know you are divorcing? Do your kids know? I think if not, then I would move forward with it and just be present, pleased, upbeat, but detached from her. If the attendees know, and if you've already told the kids about the impending D, then I see no reason for you to attend, and if that means it has to be cancelled because it is at your sister's cabin, then cancel. But I would wait for others to weigh on this since the timing is a bit problematic especially if you haven't been informing people of the situation yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
just got caught up on your sitch. One thing I noticed is that you are trying to logic and reason to get her to stop. For example "do you know what this will do to the kids". That is super pursuit, trying to influence her in the most overt fashion. I did that too. It also didn't work for me.
Then you say "I don't know that I want you back" and she calls your bluff. She, I, and everyone here can see right through that. Now you have to restore a little credibility.
You said she owes you "more time to process". Again super "control-ly" sounding. You don't get to tell her how she lives her life, so stop trying. This is driving her away and convincing her she is doing the right thing. What kind of strong, confident guy needs to tell a woman things like this?
Lane, you have no control over "we". You only control yourself. So don't try to "cancel it", you can just state whether or not you are going. If she has filed, there's probably no sense in you going.
You said "it's like my old wife is gone"...Well, I'm sorry to say it, but she is gone. You are right that you haven't gotten past it yet. You are clinging hard to any thread you can, when you need to let go and work on something you can control.
Focus on you, quit being snarky with her, fake some confidence and happiness (but not too much) around her for the meantime and GAL. Don't react to her jabs, don't be the H b/c she said she doesn't want that. Move on with life and enjoy it - carpe diem.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
