thank you arsh and joseph for your encouraging words. this morning the fact that we have never talked on the phone or in person...i'm thinking to myself, I could call her...of course then I catch myself knowing full well it would be pursuit and more importantly "dude what would you even say to her if you did?" so my logical mind prevails over my emotions.
the complete silence is deafening and as the time goes, every so often my pre-DB mind comes around with anxiety and says "hey the time is passing, you better do something, longer this goes, less chance she comes back" and yet then my post-DB mind will kick in and say "you know nothing you can say/do is going to impact her right? only she can make it happen and the more time she has alone, the better chance you have that she'll sort herself out and I return to normal feelings.
it is H.A.R.D. to suppress your desire for pursuit. I must continue to just have hope that for whatever reason I'm going through this somewhere/somehow/someday I'll be happy again. maybe W comes around/back someday or someone else awaits me. it's just having something in your life you valued so much, held so precious (even if it was perhaps you that totally screwed it up) and now it's seemingly ripped away forever with no chance/hope of restoration. and for the LBS it is almost nigh impossible to understand/justify/accept how the person they loved so much just completely disappears within their own body. the trauma for the LBS honestly I wonder...once/if their spouse goes wayward if they should EVER consider taking them back simply as a matter of self preservation. to be clear this waywardness is terrible for both the person who leaves and the person who's left. my understanding of it and the hurt that men and women can inflict on each other...has really sobered me.
I don't say this enough and I'm not great at updating everyone's sitches, but I pray for you all regularly. If my prayers in some way could help assauge the mountains of despair and pain I read about on here daily, then no matter the outcome of my sitch, I'm going in the right direction in life.
