Am I coming or going?

[DonH]

Wow, there really is a lot here - and a lot of it great!!!!

To start, you are very close to being a first time home owner (at least on your own). Let's not let that fall lower on the scale than it should as it's a huge deal. No more putting monthly money into a black hole (rent) with no return. In just a few months you'll start to gain equity. If you make improvements it won't be too long before the house could be sold for more than you paid for it. If only two or three years down the road, say should you be getting married or something, you can very likely sell it and make some form of profit. If you hang onto it until G graduates high school you'll nearly certainly make a nice profit. This really is a big deal and you should feel GREAT about yourself for getting it done!

As for band guy - great job on the second date. Yeah, this old GF could come back. Perhaps the fact that he's dating someone new, that could bring her running back. But ya know what, at our ages, there is always going to be SOMETHING. Life just does not have guarantees. If this were a separation preceding a D I'd have totally different advice but in this case, sure keep it in mind but I would not let it effect anything. Band Guy seems like a very decent guy. Of course you are just getting to know him - and appearances are not always what we think. That just means, keep your eyes open, take it slow and heed the signs he gives you. My largest concern is he seems to be quick to move into an R just like you. I fear the two of you together could be off to the races in no time. He's giving you what you want and need and that's great, it really is. I would just caution you to ask why? It may be who he is, it may be genuine and it may be without red flags. Just make sure he's not a needy, hurt guy following being dumped or something else. Still, I see zero reason not to continue and not to enjoy it and let it play out.

So I see both of these as pluses and great things. Then there is HC:

I guess I'm not sure what the "correct" behavior here is, what is right, what is wrong, but I do see a lot of things. To start with, this is what often happens when sex happens on the first or second date - it just is. Don't beat yourself up over it just learn from it.

From all you have told us, HC has been consistent from day one. He laid out what he was able to do and what he did not want to do. He has not changed in that at all - yet some now want to punish him for it. On the morning after the second date, he was putting you at arm's length by claiming he could not miss a single morning work out and ran out the door (metaphorically speaking) at 5:00 AM. That was arms length right there. He's been very slow to answer texts and now he admits that was on purpose. Right or wrong, I've done that myself - though mostly for days not a week. A text comes in from someone you know is way more into you than you are into them. It's just easier to ignore it for awhile. I'm not condoning it or defending it for him - or for me when I've done it. I'm just admitting I have. Too busy with work is just an excuse and he finally admitted he has kept you at arms length - likely for his comfort but I also think because he didn't want you to get the wrong idea. He spelled it out, and then reinforced it. Yet some want to give him a 2X4 for it anyhow.

Ginger you kinda set the rules here. HC admitted that he usually is not intimate until the 6th date. You offered much sooner - but then is he the bad guy for taking you up on that offer? You then later said you only slept with him because you knew it would not go anywhere and you might as well fulfill some of your needs since both of you were on the same page. Only now, he's in the wrong for accepting YOUR offer. Perhaps I'm a bit defensive on his behalf because I've been in this situation. I am as blunt as they come and as forthcoming and honest - obviously. Yet even after being forthcoming and honest, I too have had women get upset with me when I actually follow through with what I said I was going to do all along. And Ginger, please don't think I'm only taking you to task here - there are others here that feel the same way. And then it's his fault for slightly, with a single sentence I might add, keeping the door open??? It's almost like being upset with a dog for eating the food you left on the floor by his kennel.

I don't think either of you were really "wrong" in what you did. I think you can most certainly learn from it. I don't know if you thought that if you offered some early "dessert" as some have called it, that you'd get him to change his mind? I kinda of think maybe? Hoping that he'd find out what a great women you are and even though he said he didn't want anything serious you'd get him to change his mind with some early and awesome sex. That was a gamble or risk that did not pan out - and it usually does not.

I know my point has been made - again - so let me circle back to two "wins" and one "needs improvement." The home purchase is a total win (as long as the home inspection and flood insurance issues work out). Clearly Band Guy is a much better fit for you. It's a great win for a good start. He may still not be the one - but he is most certainly playing in your ballpark and is already meeting your expectations better than some of the others have. Just don't let Band Guy turn into Firefighter. He too started this exact same way. Don't repeat that history. As for HC, that was a bad choice - or not??? It just can't be both. Either it was not a good idea to sleep with him so soon and allow him to call all the shots or it was just a hookup FWB that you are fine with. But it can't be both - you can't be mad at him for pretty much being honest from the get go and you taking what he was giving. I think perhaps you're more mad at yourself - and that's okay, maybe even good. Just don't beat yourself up too bad. I'd just move on, put it behind you, learn from it, and never repeat it again. Make Band Guy and any others that come after him earn the dessert. Leave the hook ups for the 20 somethings - or see them for what they are.

One last little thing G - I have to give you HUGE HUGE credit for coming here and being honest. Many would rather just glass over the bad stuff. You put it all out there for everyone to respond to - both good and bad - and that takes huge guts! Just don't lose sight of the fact that you life is very clearly in an upswing phase. No one ever gets all good - we all have to make mistakes and take some bad. But in balance, you are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!