Arsh, my dear, please listen (read) carefully. I have been following posters here for several years now, and while I am no expert, I do have a strong sense about people. I am very impressed by your strength, courage, and vulnerability, and I think you are going to be fine, and perhaps even better, as time passes. You are a fighter and quite resilient, given your difficult circumstances. It is obvious to anyone reading here. As we navigate the rough terrains in life, we earn more badges of grit and power, which I believe further enables joy and a more genuine life.
This may be the hardest part of your sitch. Please, please give yourself a break. It will not be this way forever. It is perfectly okay to feel sadness and desperation right now. You are only human and this is more than you should have to endure. Your WH (and his family) are acting incredibly selfish and cruel right now. My sense is that he is on a destructive path (wayward or wayward thinking) and he is gathering his own troop of support, and more than likely has lied to them to justify his actions. He may even believe his own lies right now. This is a part of wayward thinking.
I am impressed at how well you are able to follow DB principles. You are doing everything you can right now. You are trying to create some space and take care of yourself, and you are still maintaining a civil relationship with him and not wearing your heart on your sleeve. You may not see it because your emotions are all over the map, but we all see it. You are doing great! Just take it day by day and breath by breath.
I posted today because I wanted to add that you do not have to be perfect. That is just way too much pressure for anyone. There is something called white anger and I would encourage you to let that in. A healthy amount of anger is necessary and it can also fuel some additional strength. You do no have to play nice with WH and SIL and "act perfect" all the time. These are just guidelines. He is being a royal A-Hole and abandoning his W and family. Doesn't that warrant some anger? I am not advising you fly off the handle or break the rules, by I am encouraging you to invite those feelings in.
I had a lot of anger when my H did what he did. Off the charts anger. There were many times it served me well. He also saw that I am a strong woman that knows my worth. When my H realized I was not sitting at home and crying, and waiting for him, he learned to respect me even more. A wayward will not run home to a doormat, someone with low self esteem, or if they think they can chit all over your life and just walk back in. Think about it for a moment ...
I see you as a very strong woman and your WH as a complete fool. I also do believe people can change. You will get through this difficult time. I believe in you. Keep holding your head up higher and higher, keep taking care of yourself and the beautiful girls, and just imagine a wonderful life without him. You can have that, you know. You do not actually need him at all. Please remember that this is HIS loss, not yours. When you are safe, or with your safe people, invite those feelings in. All of them, including the anger.
Take care, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
