i dont mean to hijack Lane's thread, but is that disrespect and rebellion born completely out of the resentment that has built up over the years by the WW? I have a WW in the midst of a MLC. Im starting to believe she gets a rush out of disrespecting me, sneaking around with OM, and leaving trinkets that I believe are from OM but dont have proof, right out in the open in front of me. Im doing a lot of reading but still get confused about the entire pic. So i guess the rules for me are tough love, dont hang out(decline any invite?), set boundaries, and GAL? My wife has been cake eating for a long time unfortunately.
Id appreciate any advice you have about my sitch,mythread
Hi, I just saw your post on Lane's thread. First, I want to ask you something. Why do you believe your W is having a MLC? I'm not disagreeing, I just wondered why.
Yes, I believe it all starts with resentment that W has pushed down in her heart. It may be something she knows would sound petty if she talked about it, so it's never resolved, and it grows as other resentments come along. Maybe she has tried to talk about certain resentments, but her H doesn't understand her language, b/c women are bad to talk in code. Carrying this resentment in her heart prepares the way for feelings of disrespect. I can always tell when a woman is displaying some level of disrespectful feelings about her H. She'll use a certain tone of voice when directed at him; she'll talk at him through the children; roll her eyes; belittle him in front of others; makes fun of him; display a bad attitude toward him; etc. These are small (but extremely important) examples of a woman who doesn't respect him as a man. That's how it starts out in many cases, and the signs may get worse as the years go by, if the H doesn't put a stop to it. He can't help the feelings in her heart, but he can stop her from showing disrespect for him.
I think one problem is that men give the W a pass when she shows some little sign of disrespect. I think with nice guys, they don't see it as her disrespecting him, but IDK. I think he makes excuses, b/c he doesn't know how to stop it, and he doesn't want to confront her....b/c he doesn't have enough manly confidence....and he knows she has ran the show for a long time. He puts it off to her to being in a "mood", and thinks if he gives it enough time, she'll change and things will be fine. But, it's never resolved, and it's paving the road for a M crises. It may be some resentment that started 20 years ago, and every disappointment/resentment since then, was just added to the pile. Somewhere along the way, she stops seeing him as a man she respects. She is critical of him, compares him to other men, blames him for all her unhappiness, and will challenge him. All these previous examples I gave about ways she can act out, are nothing less than her testing him to see if he is man enough to stand up to her! If she reaches the point that she is not concerned about consequences for her bad treatment of her H, then the M is in serious trouble. I hope you understand what I mean by that statement. I'm not suggesting anything violent, but I do believe there should be consequences for bad behavior, especially when the offense is repeated.
Eventually, the WW is going to do some action that shows more rebellion, worse than her usual behavior. It may be her and girlfriends going out and acting like Girls Gone Wild, flirting with men, or going home with one. Whenever a wife does some behavior that she knows is seen as inappropriate for a married lady...….you can mark it down, she is rebelling against her MR. Just like your W staying out every night of the week until around 4:00 a.m. She's rebelling. She has lost all concern for her H's feelings regarding her activities. She's not happy with her MR. She doesn't respect her H as a man, so she's rebelling. What will he do about it? If she is not one bit concerned about how her H will react to her behavior...….this is about as critical as their MR can get. I don't mean other terrible things can't happen, but I am speaking about her not having any concern or worry about the consequences for her not behaving like a married lady. I don't apologize for being old school, FWIW, and I'll just tell you up front......her H is probably in for the worst time of his life when she no longer cares what he thinks about it. Before women's lib, the old timers use say the H had lost control over his W, but you have to be careful about using that C word around here. You will be told very quickly that you can't control anyone but yourself. However, you can have influence.
If she's wayward, the H probably never had much influence, due to his passive, nice-guy ways. Like other people, his W takes advantage of his nice ways. And, he can't lead what won't follow him. He lost his leadership (if he ever had it) over his W, and now she's going to take him to hell and back, b/c she has lost all admiration/respect for him as a man......not to mention as her H.
The longer I study this wayward wife problem, that seems to dominate the MR forums these days, the more I see how it appears to be paired with the H who has some level of NGS. I'm not saying every nice guy will have a WW. I'm just saying that it seems that WW's have a nice guy H. If any of you see a thread about a wayward W who suffers at the hand of a mean, controlling, jealous, sorry H......please notify me, b/c I don't think I've seen that dynamic yet. The women who have those type of H's may become a walk-away wife, if they decide to get out of the M. BTW, I'm certainly not suggesting that's the cure for waywardness is to become a mean, controlling, jealous, sorry H! I'm just making an observation I think is interesting.
Sorry, I'm making this post too long. Your W gets her thrill out of having a secret affair. Affairs are addictive, b/c of the chemical reaction in the brain cells. Research PEAS.
Implement the 37 rules, GAL like there's no tomorrow, and enforce boundaries. Stop trying to prove how much you love her, and start proving how much self-respect you have. Don't be a WW pleaser. Don't compromise your integrity, or your core beliefs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm just making an observation I think is interesting. 