Been thinking a lot about letting go and why I am having such a hard time doing it. With W moved out I feel much better on the day to day, but just the idea of interaction with W triggers me. DNJ talked on his thread about anger and his lack of it and it really spoke to me as I haven't gotten angry either. I wonder if being angry might make it easier on me to let go. To not be triggered by interactions with her as much...or lack of interactions for that matter.
The kids were to come home and be with me yesterday. Throughout the day I could not help but think about how I would handle myself during the exchange of children. I have found that I look at every interaction with her as an opportunity to be my best self around her. Mostly that just means being up beat and not showing pain or anything when talking to her. Sometimes this is easy and other times its work. After work I went home and when I got there, the kids were already there and W had left already. She had dropped them off minutes before and had not even gotten out of the car. She did not call or text to say that she was on her way, nor did she call or text to let me know that she dropped them off. The kids are fine and don't really need me to be there, but just the lack of common courtesy with communication is difficult to deal with. Monstering is hard of course to deal with, but its an obvious thing that is easy to realize that is not healthy. The simple lack of "hey I just dropped the kids off" is more subtle and still triggers me. I'm not even sure why. I think its because that kind of communication is something that normal people have. I would have that kind of communication with anyone, not just W. I guess it just shows me that despite what W had said before moving (that she would like to still be friends), that she doesn't even want to really be friends either. I of course don't just want to be just friends anyways, but that at least would be a start to something. We aren't even there yet. I know not to believe what she says or does, but I still find myself getting caught up in it, even though she isn't around anymore. We went from daily communications for 20 years to us not talking for days. At this point I have not spoken to her since Sunday morning, and that was just when she was picking up D and only for a few minutes. I'm not even sure why I still want to talk to her. I guess I'm still a little bit addicted to my relationship with her. I guess I am detoxing right now.
Been thinking that I might try something. I've read people talk here about putting your feelings and relationship in a "box" and tucking it away for later. Something that can be accessed again when the time is right. A metaphor for detaching if you will. To help myself, I think I will try this in a more literal sense. I'm going to make a list of all the things that I love about W. I'll write a quick timeline of our relationship with milestones at all the places in our relationship that help define my love for W. I'll gather pictures of the 2 of us over the years where we are together and happy...kissing and holding hands. I'll gather pictures of the family together when we were at our happiest. I'll gather a few home videos that illustrate the same and put them on a USB drive. I might even hand write a loving letter to W. Then I will gather all of these things and put them in an actual box. I think I'll go buy a nice one, like a treasure chest. I will take this box and tuck it away somewhere, like a time capsule, to be opened at a future date. I get worried that while going through this situation, that after some time I will lose all desire to want to be with W and will eventually forget what the love between us feels like. I think it keeps me from fully dropping the rope/GAL, moving on, etc. Maybe if I actually create this box, that I can let go comfortably knowing that I have the box tucked away to remind me if I ever forget. Have you guys ever watched the TV show House? There is an episode where there is a man that lost his hand. The man had the problem that he had the sensation that his missing hand had a clenched fist and he could not release it. House (the doctor) built a box with a mirror in it and had the man put both hands in. The mirror created the illusion that both hands were there. He had the man make a first, and then let it go while he watched. Seeing that gave the ma the release of that sensation, even though it was all in his head anyways. I am hoping that building the box and filling ti with these things will help me in a similar way.
Anyways, hope you are all doing well. I'm trying to do the same.
