Feeling your pain jaylove. So hard to know how to behave; distance but don't act cold, engage confidently but don't say too much etc etc. It is such a balancing act. Also when some of things you've been accused of are what you are supposed to do for DB seem counter productive and more of the old behaviours. Waiting for my DB copy too so perhaps this may help.
You seem to be getting mixed messages from W too which I have experienced. Seems to be par for the course in these situations. I only conclude they are just not thinking straight.
Thanks uk82. I can now see that her nastiness and coldness is part of her defence mechanism to help her detach from me and give her the resolve to go through with this. Still, it’s incredibly hurtful to be at the end of this indifference, after sharing 13 years together and having two beautiful children
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
I am in exactly the same position - 12 years and 2 beautiful little kids. It beggars belief. So I share your pain. I have come to the conclusion that it is a defense mechanism too. However I think it is to shield themselves from the guilt they are feeling. This would also explain the tirade of 'bad things' I have supposedly done over the entire course of our relationship most of which are exaggerated or taken totally out of context to justify.
I am in exactly the same position - 12 years and 2 beautiful little kids. It beggars belief. So I share your pain. I have come to the conclusion that it is a defense mechanism too. However I think it is to shield themselves from the guilt they are feeling. This would also explain the tirade of 'bad things' I have supposedly done over the entire course of our relationship most of which are exaggerated or taken totally out of context to justify.
My wife had a nervous breakdown, for various reasons including going on a massive alcohol binge while on prescription medicines which have serious side effects combined with alcohol She is unable to see that she at least was a part of the reasons she had her breakdown. She then spent a month in a psychiatric hospital and during that time she blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life. She even filed for divorce while still under the care of the hospital. The things she’s saying about me are simply either exaggerated or untrue, so it’s so frustrating watching her pick apart our family whilst being powerless or unable to get through to her to see any reason, or at least hold off for a whole until her mental state is better.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Yes, I think rationale thought is simply out of the question in all of these scenarios. If only they could have the feelings they were having but not take any action until they were in a better place mentally. It is the poor children who suffer most from this selfish and destructive behaviour. And years down the line I think there will be a hell of a lot of regret.
I had my first meeting with my lawyer this week. She suggested writing to my W in response to her draft divorce petition, suggesting that there were many external factors that caused us problems and that we I would like to try MC. We got the reply today, no surprises what the answer was- an absolute “NO” The reply also said that my W had found a house to rent and would be moving in the day after she returns from holiday next Friday. Do I offer to help her move her stuff out? She would expect me to not help, so a 180 would be be for me to help. Her lawyer is also pressing me to agree childcare arrangements- my lawyer said it will be better for her kids if hey stay with me in the family home and let my W wife visit (with me being out of the house) Any views on this? Thanks
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Do I offer to help her move her stuff out? She would expect me to not help, so a 180 would be be for me to help.
Do you support her decision to move out? If so, sure go ahead. If not, then why would you help her move? Have you read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy?
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Her lawyer is also pressing me to agree childcare arrangements- my lawyer said it will be better for her kids if hey stay with me in the family home and let my W wife visit (with me being out of the house) Any views on this?
Listen to your lawyer. Do not submit to any support payments until court ordered to do so.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do you think the absolute refusal to attend MC is a fear of facing themselves and their actions? I get this feeling. That it is easier to run away than to face thief own demons and shortcomings. I have been to therapy sessions and it feels really good to open up and explore yourself, looking at the role you have played.
Yes I do think that U.K. My W spent a month in The Priory and managed to come out of it full of rage and anger at me. She has had an alcohol problem for quite a few years and didn’t get treatment for alcoholism. Though it does seem to be accepted the by the time a woman files for divorce she has been thinking about it and has been unhappy for on average two years, the trouble is they expect men to be able to read their minds in those two years. My W only expressed her unhappiness when she had been drinking and was pretty much unable to have a coherent conversation with me in that state.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
So I’ve just found out that my W is moving into a rented house the day after she comes back from holiday next week. She’s pressurising me to make a childcare agreement so she can have them spend some time at her new home. We still have three weeks of the school Summer holiday left and I really think the kids should spend as much time in our family home as possible. My wife has shown such a nasty side since BD that I’m not even sure that I want to DB to try and win her back, though I will continue to gAL etc. Presumably I am at the LRT stage once she moves out? What do you think about what will be best for our children? She hasn’t spoken to them about the fact she’s filed for divorce - she suggested we both have a talk to them together - on the day she is planning to move out!! It’s been weeks since BD and I’m still so sad and anxious everyday, I wonder when I can expect to begin to feel even slightly better?
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
