He did file. I can't believe it. He filed last Friday. I am doing everything I can to keep myself together. He's supposed to see my therapist on Friday.
I would say 75% of the interactions we have now are neutral/pleasant. But it's those 25% that get me. And they're not even that terrible as far as him being mean. Rarely has he been downright hurtful in the last week or so. He just gets a wild hair and suddenly launches into all the drastic changes he wants to do and he wants to do them right now.
Monday he wrote down all the things we'd need to do to the house in order to sell it so we can move out and be able to afford separate households. I asked him if he was going to make his children lose their family and their home in one fell swoop. I told him we'd agreed to talk more about the pros and cons of staying together. He said even if we stay together we need to sell the house. I don't know.
Yesterday I thought was my night out, bc last week I had asked him if it was and he said, "it's Thursday, isn't it?" I thought we had agreed that I would get T/R/S off and he would get M/W/F... but no, apparently he thought that we alternated every day no matter what. So he said I chose to stay in Monday night and Tuesday was his night out. I asked if we could swap and he said no. So fine, whatever. But then when I get home, he asks me if I do want to go out that night anyhow and that we can swap. I tell him that it's fine, I don't think I can make plans with anyone anyway and I'm tired. So he goes for a run and then went to see a movie by himself.
Over the past several days he's been sending me job recs. Most of them I've already applied to, but I appreciate him looking for me none the less. Yesterday he does a lot of random chit chat via text, like there's nothing different between us.
Then this morning, he starts to unravel again. I suggest a solution to our nights out problem. I suggest we do what I thought we were doing and reserve Sundays for a time to basically check in with each other about logistics for the upcoming week and reflections on the previous week. And that's when he comes unglued.
H: if we do anything for talking, it needs to be ground work for divorce. You could move to an apt for now. And not pay any bills here. Me: I thought you wanted to improve communication? I'm trying to do that by allowing a day where we can designate a time to make sure we know what's going on with each other H:That's why I stay in on some of my days. But you could move out and be free every night Me: do you think that's what I want? H: I'm giving you chance to schedule your nights however you want that way. No bills here. I'll cover all that I can. Me: do you think I want free nights every night? H: Stop being a therapist Me: I'm not, I'm trying to understand what you're thinking.
He continues to spiral... I eventually ask him to give pause to everything and just breathe for a minute. Eventually I tell him I'd be willing to sell the house if he's willing to stay married but really, truly work on the marriage. Not just stay status quo. I told him to think on it and that I had to get to work.
I talked to his best friend, the L. He said he's not qualified to give advice in this area, and he doesn't want to take sides bc he cares for both of us and I had to let H know we were talking. I said I would (and I did). But he said he's going to try to convince him to stay in our M. He said that when he was with him the other night, he seemed to have taken to the idea that working on it was the better choice, but he also hadn't mentioned that he had already filed.
I try to read new posts and now I think I understand what happened and how this thread is the continuation of a previous story. I see from the username this account has been active since 2011 and there have been over three hundred posts so now I also understand this has been going on for a long, long time.
That's definitely troubling if your husband filed. What I observe is that you and your husband haven't been happy together for a long, long time. It sounds like your husband has some major internal issues and you're also stressed out so the two of you aren't making much progress.
The idea of each having their nights to go out doesn't sound like it's working well. It seems to be creating more drama and communicating over the night out schedule seems to be making things worse. Perhaps it's worth re-considering that plan.
It seems the best chance right now to turn things around would be to make radical changes to yourself and try to lift the pressure off your husband for a while. Perhaps he filed or has plans to leave but he's still there, however it seems for years things have been going downhill. It seems there hasn't been an opportunity for him to see a 'new you,' one who would make him reconsider the divorce. My understanding of DB is that you can and should work at this time to improve yourself not just to keep your husband but to truly find your own source of peace, to find the right job for you, to be the mom that you want to be, and to look and feel your best physically. If what you've been doing hasn't been working then this would be a good time to make major changes and use a new approach.
I hope you'll get top notch advice at this time to help you make the right choices to turn things around. It sounds like you've been staying afloat for many years so nothing right now is new. I hope by making the right moves you can not just save your marriage but figure out a way to connect with your husband to really listen to each other and understand what you can do to make each other happy.
Thanks, Nicole. Yes, I need to keep in perspective that this time should be for me, and not him.
Last night I had an online client, and then I stayed up to catch up on a TV show. H was originally hanging out in another room, then started hanging around the kitchen when I started watching the show. Then he sat down on the couch opposite me and started watching too. Asked me a few questions about the plot line. Then eventually he left. He went and sat in the other room again for a long while. At least an hour. At one point I wandered in there just to see if he was still there, and he was.... but he literally wasn't doing anything. Just laying in the dark. Wasn't even looking at his phone. Eventually he went upstairs, without saying goodnight.
He's supposed to go to my IC tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.
He's still sending me job recs. He's trying really hard to help me find a job, which I appreciate. I told him today that I would be getting more clarity on what my schedule looks like for the fall, but that meeting didn't go as planned, so I'm still pretty clueless. He didn't seem keen to talk about the schedule anyway.
I might try to broach the topics of "nights out" again tomorrow. I mainly want to know so I can plan online client sessions. If I get to plan fun nights out, that's cool too, but I mainly want to know what I can do when I'm at home and he's out.
I think that's it for now. I'm going to try to grab a drink with someone tomorrow night. He's going through similar hell too. I think we've been good supports for each other.
Has anyone tried nesting? Where the children stay in the family home, but the parents move in and out? This separation in the same house thing is not working. I don't think H is getting a full picture of how f@cked up everything will be once we are really in different spaces. I think we could reasonably move in and out of a one bedroom apt near our house and he could get a better idea of what life would really be like on the other side without making the kids lose their family AND their home.
I am not expert in this area Eryam, but that seems like it is not a sustainable plan. My intuition is that it is better for all involved to just rip the bandaid off rather than trying to pull it off slowly. Also, I am not sure the suggestion is the best thing for the kids. While it would ease your pain, having 1 parent come and another go over and over again just seems like it would be a harder transition on the kids over time.
I want to be gentle about this because I understand how difficult living under the same roof can be (I've been there!), but you should always put what is best for the kids ahead of your own feelings. Yes it is hard but what is best for them? Personally I think kids are happier with both parents living under the same roof, even if the atmosphere is less than ideal. It gives them hope that things are temporary. While moving in and out opposite of the WAS would be a reminder to them, every so often, of just how bad things are.
I am spit balling here, maybe others that have been in the nesting sitch can refute my feelings on the issue. But my gut says that nesting is harder on the kids than inhouse separation or actual separation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for your feedback, Steve. Yeah I really don't know. I definitely want to do more research on the topic.
Last night, D came into my room after H went out of the night. Out of the blue, she said that she would never want me to leave, and she could never replace me. She said that she was afraid that I wanted to leave and find another family bc she and D1 fight all the time (which, they really don't... no more so than typical siblings). I just tried to comfort her and assure her that things would be fine and I didn't want to be anywhere but there with her and our family.
H tried to talk to me again last night about how we're going to D. I think I set him off unintentionally. He told me he's still losing weight even though he's not trying to, and I made a comment about how it's because he's so stressed. That immediately put him on the defensive and then he started verbally attacking me and saying that he was going to get a mediator to talk about what we need to do next Friday.
To be clear, I have still not been served with papers. I know he filed, but that's because I looked it up myself. No one has actually given me any documentation.
I just feel like I need more space. I'm not sure the best way to get it.
I've been talking to people online and meeting up with them. I make it clear to these people (men) that I am not interested in dating, or anything physical, but I just need people to talk to and keep me distracted. Some people tell me to go f@ck myself. Others are really cool and are happy to kick it with me in a bar. That's all I'm really looking for. But H is aware of this. He insists that he is happy I've "moved on" (even though I tell him that's not my intent), but at the same time, he wants to know my business all the time now. He makes snarky comments about who I must be talking to, and that he doesn't care what I'm doing..... but still, he asks.
I have got to find a way to get more room between us. He is someone that HAS to be left alone to process. I know this. I'm not sure the best way to do it without fully moving out, and I feel like that will send the wrong message to the courts. I'm really in a bind.
Right now, we are jointly putting the kids together. I'm wondering if maybe we should just say "this is your night out. As soon as I come home, you need to leave" (he works from home 90% of the time), or if I should say, "this is my night out. I'm not coming home until well after the kids have gone to bed."
I just don't know.
The last time, I just moved out completely and went to my dad's house. But my daughter was an infant, and none the wiser. It's not so easy this time. Any guidance?
He told me he's still losing weight even though he's not trying to
"Yes, I can understand how that would be concerning."
Validate those kind of comments, do not try to "fix" it sitch or use it to try and get him to see what he is doing. Your stress comment was pursuit and pressure and that is what he felt. And why he reacted the way he did.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
one thing I noticed is that you said, more than once, that you don't want free nights every night. It sounded pursuit-ish to me. Like you really wanted him to know that you weren't going to be out every time, like you'd be available.
When you told him he lost weight bc of all the stress, it seemed like you were trying to fix him. That would indicate a problem. Your H knows he has one, but is in denial. Your method of addressing this came off like using a sledgehammer to kill a fly.
I wouldn't entertain the "nest" thing. It sounds really weird. If your H can't take you being around, he should leave.
Not to sound rude, but I am curious why you are meeting up with men for platonic purposes while you are very clearly hurt. None of these men are interested in being your friend, but you know that already.
You also seem to like the attention your H gives you about meeting these other men.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well, meeting up with other men serves a few different purposes for me. 1) I can have some fun with another person without having to think about my sitch 2) it gives me someone to talk to, bc we had agreed we wouldn't be talking to anyone about what's going on until we get a better idea of what we're doing 3) I think it makes H jealous
Yeah, in retrospect, I shouldn't have commented on his weight. And I need to find more ways to not be pursuish. I think what's really hard is that we both want to be around to put the kids to bed in the evenings, so when we "go out" it's not until after 8. It's just... idk, it's hard.
What about the idea of saying, "it's my night out, so I'm not coming home until late. You can do bedtime routine. When it's your night out, I can do bedtime. It'll be more divorce-like."? What do you guys think?
