Well - please note that my pointing out to you that you should have simply got W a wristband was NOT saying her behavior was okay. It was not. But, also note that her behavior could be coming from a source of hurt from the same disappointment in the M that you have but on an other side. That is being able to step out and detach and I now that you are still on that journey but making amazing strides!!!!
You absolutely did the right thing in letting W know you were on way to ER. But, take a step back again. If she didn't txt you to inquire then I would not have given her the update and picture. That is clinging and chasing and pushes her away. I know... I know... what a fine line it is! :-) But, you'll get there. Remember its business right now.
Its easy for me to pick apart things because I have no emotional involvement in you R but rest assured I made many similar assumptions and mistakes when learning to co-parent with my child.
What I want to scream at the top of my lungs to all persons learning to co-parent: DO NOT GET ANGRY, JUDGE OR BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE YOUR EX DOES NOT PARENT THE EXACT WAY YOU DO.
So let me explain. Yes - you have a very close bond... the Fantastic 4. That's wonderful. Even in the depths of disappointment or challenges you will face over the years those 2 words - Fantastic 4, will conjure up strength and reminders of where you came from and that you can do anything. I love it!!! HOWEVER, you need to realize, accept and promote that your children will have a different bond with your W that is equal but I will state different.
For example, I am currently M and have 1 child and 2 step children. All the kids come directly to me for certain things. You need help with homework, asking if you can do something, figuring out some hard stuff, etc BUT, you want to know something about cars, go hunting/fishing they are going to go to my H. The bond I have with the kids is completely different than my spouse as I am a touchy/feely parent and my H runs the house like we are our own branch of the military! LOL. :-)
Now, I have an ex too. And, we co-parent. In last few years my ex moved many states away. We only talk if its directly about our child and its very business like, but after a few years of adjustments its now like business casual! My ex only sees our child physically 3 times a year and can go 6 months between those visits. He does not call for those months and if anything texts on random occasions. That is absolutely NOT how I would parent. I would be facetiming twice weekly for sure, but I have to remember that my realtionship with my son is not the relationship he has with his father. We will always be super close but that doesn't mean at the expense of belittling his father's relationship with him.
A simple take away is this: My ex knew it was the championship baseball game. It was to be a double header with the top 2 ranked teams. Now did my ex contact his son later that day to see if his team won the game??? NOPE. I mean if you or I could not have been there we would have been blowing up the phone to find out what happened and what was the score, etc. However, its just not how my ex is wired. I have to accept that. So after all the celebrating was done I simply just told my son to text his dad the results of the game. Should I have to do that??? NO. But, what followed after my son texted were lots of awesome and way to go texts from his dad. And, you know what??? That my son feel wonderful inside. And, you know the biggest gift I can give my son??? Is to make sure he feels loved by both parents and that's why I do what I do and how I act. I just have a chat with myself - what is the best course to support my child??? He shouldn't pay the price of my broken heart or disappointment with his dad, ever.
Now, I'm very close with my son and I can tell the times he gets a little disappointed with his father. I let him know I'm available to talk and I validate his disappointment but I will also go above and beyond and point out the great things too. Why? I'm the last person to be a cheerleader for my ex BUT, my son will be a far happier and better person if his relationship with his dad is supported than if he is encouraged to bitter and sad about it.
Don't think I came straight out of the gate this way with my ex. It took time for the hurt to dissolve and practice to realize how much drama can bring down kids. You will have an uphill battle because you will need to lead by example. Trust me. Once your W sees you are not reacting to her button pushing AND you are not judging her you will see more of the behavior at the end of the hospital visit. But, be cautioned walking out with the kids holding your hands like you once did is wonderful behavior for your children to see and experience and feel loved/accepted by both parents, however, it doesn't mean you are getting back together or even on that path. That will tear at your heart. You still have a ways to go on your detachment journey but trust me your kids will bask and glow in that kind of attention from both their parents at the same time.
HUGS!!! You are doing things I'm sure you thought you wouldn't be able to 3 months ago.
