My story. Advice needed

[equalzr]

...but it ended up with her implying her A was justified because of things she has put up with over time. I know their thinking isnt rational for the most part, but to try to justify the fact that youve been having a PA is beyond me. How does anyone justify that? Then to look at me with evil in her eyes as if Im the bad guy in this is completely crazy. All the while everyone thinks she is the saint(her family plus counselor).

Yup that's the famous "rationalization hamster" at work. She's fully in WAS-land where up is down and down is up and adultery is justified and she is right and you are wrong. The best way to react when a WAS says idiotic things like it being your fault she's having an affair is to look at her like a 3rd eye suddenly sprouted in the middle of her forehead. Like- curious, astonished, disbelieving all at the same time, right? Don't argue with her or anything, just give her that WTF look and maybe shake your head and walk away. Here's the thing- she KNOWS it's wrong. She KNOWS what she is saying is stupid. So you don't need to tell her. If she chases you down and challenges your reaction just tell her you've got nothing to say to her.

Listening and validation is great, but not always appropriate. I think when a WAS is going off the rails like this you do not validate.

Sadly, I dont know if she thinks what she is saying or doing is wrong I think she is fully convinced she is right. She is in the middle of a MLC, and the things she does and reasoning for it is are completely ridiculous.

I do have a question for my DB mentors:

My W is going back to counseling. Its possible she may invite me to a session, but Im starting to change my mind about going. I let her know that i have no intention to discuss our R, but want to discuss our S and the things shes been doing and how he feels about them. She thinks its perfectly fine for a moter to be gone all the time, come in at 3/4 am and nobody knows where she is at. Is it worth going to or should i steer clear for the time being?

I think she may possibly want to discuss MLC, and have her counselor explain to me that it isnt causing what shes been doing. I do know that her intentions are to keep trying to prove that Im the bad guy. I dont understand why she keeps bringing up the same issues, when im addressing/addressed all of them, apologized for them (way before DB discovery) and a lot of time has gone by. Im guessing it fuels her justification for her A?

I do love my wife, but id be lying if i didnt say her behavior disgusts me and makes my stomach turn. Not only does she have an A, she also pillow talks w/ OM about my son and I. She has broken every sacred bond you can in a marriage and a family. What would make her think its ok to discuss family business with OM, and discussing my S with him too? That infuriates me. My S is OFF LIMITS.

How I stop myself from arguing with her, or going off on her can only be God's strength. She likes to push buttons and put me down in an attempt to start an argument. Ive figured out over time that arguments and anger fuel her A. When she gets mad she runs straight to OM in one way or another whether through text or in person.