steve so the MC that I've been going to since W left and that W has never gone to with me is also an IC...in other words MC is a subset of her specialties...so yes I've been working with someone basically since just after BD.
Ballast , any quality woman worth her mettle with strong values would want a man who is vulnerable to emotions and has strong bond with his children. With all the craziness WH has put me thru if I didn’t feel he genuinely loves the kids I would have cut him loose by now. Wear your emotions and your bond with D3 proudly. I see so many similarities with our sitches, with a 3 year old you cannot have the D talk but at the same time she will understand mommy and daddy are not together anymore. I hurt every time I think of her confusion. As I always say, thank god I have children, can’t imagine going thru this without their love. Give D3 extra hugs when you see her - arshi
thank you arsh I really appreciate that! it's hard to resolve for me the contrast between the strong man I read on here women wanting with the vulnerable/emotional man I am when I have to give D up to W...it's who/how I am though so...
i've read it's hard for WW's to let go of their LBH when they are such a fantastic father, of course my W hasn't/doesn't see me with D so hard to say that matters in my sitch. for sure I do wear my bond with my D with pride for all the world to see! given all the other pain I'm enduring, D is the light for me!
and yes, D knows for sure that Mommy and Daddy are not together and the worst pain of all is when D says she wants us all back together at "her house". as I've said before and perhaps a big reason for my continued struggle is that it's one thing for me and W to go our separate ways, but the feeling of D losing her family...
I will definitely give her all the hugs and kisses D can handle! You keep doing the same with your little ones!
There are two books on parenting that I absolutely endorse from personal experience - Conscious parenting by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She has some amazing talks you can find on youtube. The name of the second one escapes me right now but I'll look it up when I am home. Both books completely changed my parenting for the better and reinforced things I was already trying to do.
Also, this is my take - men generally think vulnerability is a weakness. I believe it is a huge strength. The fact that you are vulnerable about your D and drop offs is not something to be ashamed of. You are a loving parent and it shows. I have all the strength and masculinity in the world, but I also don't shy from my vulnerability. This actually makes me even more strong and powerful because I am authentic, and authenticity is the most amazing thing. Be strong by knowing you values, your boundaries, and who you are. Vulnerability is the icing on that cake.
The other parenting book that changed me is by Ross W. Greene. It is called - Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with your Child.
Between Dr. Shefali and Ross W. Greene, you're covered in the parenting arena. And I speak to this from my personal experience. I have implemented different strategies from both books and also reflected on my own personal development as a parent and how I behave and why I did that. It's unlocked so many insights for me that has advanced not on my parenting game, but my life game as well in other relationships.
Maika...thank you for the parenting references, I'll definitely check them out! it's interesting how you talk about vulnerability being a strength. my IC has stressed to me that one of the greatest causes she feels for our MR failing is that W was not able to be vulnerable, to express her needs/fears emotionally/clearly and be open to me. the whole concept was/is completely new to me before IC...she said where W does not have the ability/willingness I clearly do, but heck until she told me I had no idea I did nor what that even meant. while I think I'm very self-aware, within a relationship I've either not been cognizant of things I didn't know much about the effects of self-esteem, vulnerability, etc or I simply didn't factor them in.
Steve...thank you for your comment as well. as I say when thinking of being a strong man's man the kind I hear women want, being emotional about my D or even my sitch makes me feel like I'll be unable to be the strong man a woman wants as to become that would require me to not stay true to myself. the other ironic part is while I am able to express my emotions regarding my D/sitch, within my MR I know my W believed me passive, void of emotion. the truth is that was not the case, I'm just a very even tempered man, it takes alot to get me angry and most annoyances of daily life I simply let them roll off of me. again talking with my IC, she believes my W has severe anxiety...things like an unexpected bill, traffic, the news, upcoming events stress her greatly to the point it impaired her sleep and likely our interaction...whereas for me pretty much nothing bothered me and I'd fall asleep instantly. I can see how that contrast in our personalities likely caused resentment in my W even though she also at times believed I was her counter-balance. while I would always try to emphasize with how she was feeling/help her to resolve the issues causing the anxiety, unless/until I was able to feel the same way as her, I don't believe W thought what I did was ever enough.
I miss her today. I miss her every day. I know we say all sitches aren't unique, but I am curious. in the time we've been apart, we've not once spoken verbally about our sitch. our only communication has been by text/email. maybe 3 times I've gone pursuit, we've texted, she had no interest and I dropped it. IC has said in her exp, men usually don't want to do MC, she has had women come in who simply got angry and fought, but it was very rare for her where the woman did not want to go. IC also told me that in all of her years counseling my MR is the first where a couple has never spoken verbally. Stander has told me in the past that his eW was much like this, but I was reading last night his story and saw that he and his eW did in fact try to recon, but apparently he was past the point of wanting it. this line of thought is not really "I want her to want to recon", but rather at a higher level...in most of the sitches I read even where the WW has a known OM, there at least seems to be at least some kind of verbal communication/meetup between the WW and the LBH especially if there are kids. in my sitch I have no proof of OM/EA/PA, all I can guess is that W's complete lack of talk is because she does have OM. thing is if she does, so what...I mean there's tons of those sitchs on here where there is still verbal communication face to face. like in our sitch...how much worse could it be such that she completely can't even talk to me? I can guess guilt/shame/whatever, but like Sandi once said men can't understand rational women, so likely we aren't even close to understanding a WW...LOL so with that said I don't even pretend to think even my guessing is close. the whole thing just seems weird. IC believes that W needs IC for several issues, maybe that explains it. as I have no experience I take her opinion, but it's hard for me to believe. anyway just curious folks thoughts.
Sending you strenght and patience ballast. Focus on you and your D. It is hard but you must transform all that negative energy into a positive one. Then give all of that to your D. You know, this is a long game. Time will come when you´ll decide if you want to go on playing it.
W was not able to be vulnerable, to express her needs/fears emotionally/clearly and be open to me.
Okay! So, that's a good insight, however I don't want you take the full blame for that. My W expressed something similar and I looked back and saw that every time she was vulnerable with me, I didn't dismiss her, but tried to problem solve instead of validate. So think back to how you acted when W was vulnerable with you and see what your pattern was.
Also, she has to shoulder some of the blame. Did she actually try and take more risk in trying to reach you? Does she have anxiety and conflict avoidance traits? Most of the time they want to blame the LBS for not being open, but in fact they have not actually been open and directly tried. They beat around the bush and hoping that we'll see between the lines. I don't tolerate such behavior any more. I ask people to be direct with me if I think they're beating around the bush.
At least you have some good insight here to do a 180 on it for your own growth. But don't take all the blame for it. She has to own up to her own behavior and take accountability.
I believe Brene Brown has some amazing stuff on vulnerability and its power. Once I opened up, I realized how amazing and relieving it was to be vulnerable and more authentic with people. It's like a cloud lifted off me. When you do this, you stop living for other people and live for yourself and stop giving a $hit what other people think of you - in a good way, not turning into an a$$hole.
