My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 3

[NicoleR]

Overrnbw, in reading your updates I get the impression that your wife may need some space to sort through her feelings and to calm down. It sounds like sleeping in the same bed and planning social activities together at this time may exacerbate the problems as she feels torn between you and the other man and her double life. It must be a lot of work to carry on two relationships at once and to constantly be pulled in two directions. You can't control what your wife does but you can create circumstances that make it easier for her to calm down and to get some relief for yourself as well. It sounds like you did the right thing by saying you can't hang out on Sunday but you accepted her offer for yesterday - perhaps taking a complete 'time out' for the foreseeable future could be the right strategy at this point?

[ovrrnbw]

I don't truly know if the OM is actually out of the picture or what. She made me believe so on Sunday afternoon, but time will tell.

I'm struggling with:
- do I ask her to do things?
- can I say "I'm doing this, you're welcome to come." ??
- do I text/call her to say have a good day?
- do I provide affection if she asks for it?

[ovrrnbw]

Ovr I am sorry but I feel you are still available and she knows it. Tough love buddy, you know you can do it. She knows you are still hurting and that she can string you along. What would you do to show her that you can move in without her? What would make her feel she may be losing you?

Well I guess I just need to GAL and let her sit at home at night?

It's not like she's talked to me the last 2 nights anyways.

And I'm not excited about the ups and downs. Things were doing better until Monday when she talks to her Mom and sister who are influencing a lot right now.

I think tonight I'll go do something fun for me. I'm just worried that I shouldn't be b/c she's stayed w/ me for 11 days now. That is progress.

Here being up and down, not talking much to me, that is regression.

I don't think she's going to MC with me today either (she went last week). She said "I don't think I like it". Ya OK.

[SteveLW]

What worked for me was I just cancelled the MC appointment. MC is for both of you. I'd recommend getting into IC instead of attending MC alone.

[ovrrnbw]

I'm going to do that Steve. I've been doing IC as well. Thank you.

Now I'm going to vent like a MF. So pissed right now.

I decided to wait til this morning to check the car app on location/trip history. WW is all playing the role this week, asking me to come home and do stuff. But that hit the breaks Thursday. But she still slept in MBR. No text/calls Thursday til today. Friday she goes some fair ( I only know her location bc our car's gps and maptracker). I didn't make it home til late bc I had a wake and went out after. Saturday I'm at the neighborhood pool and get back in the afternoon. WW is back and laying in bed. I left to "go out", at least it looked that way. I went to read and then hang out with my sister. Looks like late last night WW, went to a party and then to OM's house.

I'm just pissed, so pissed. She told me she loved me 3 times last weekend but I didn't say it back, the week before that she initiated with me 2 times. WTF am I doing? I need to get tested obviously. I feel bad for hiding this but I'm throwing it all out there now. Monday of last week she asks for a kiss when I'm leaving. What. The. Fudge.

I am so close to just texting the OM to let her know how much she lied to him in the last couple weeks, taking her car and leaving her stranded, filing for divorce. Or just text W and telling how much of a lying bitch she is. I'm just livid. Got to type this out and calm down. I'm at the house smoking ribs and have plans for some fun this afternoon but god dang how much BS does a guy have to put up with?

And her freaking parents, telling her it wasn't affair - that it's not black and white. What. The. Fudge. Why in the holy hell are they lying? I guess maybe they are in denial. But if it's not wrong, if it wasn't an affair, why did my MIL miss so many days of work bc she was distraught? And my SIL and W's skank friends encouraging an affair. Screw em all.

WW is losing hair again, something that happened 6 years ago when we first met and periodically. Dr told her it could be stress related back then.

I've been detaching and GAL but I'm CLEARLY not there. I'm so upset you guys. Guess it's time to reread Cadet's post and calm down.

[ovrrnbw]

And why in the everloving hell do I still care? This is what kills me...

[Gordie]

Over sorry for the recent developments

You still care because you loved her

It is totally acceptable and understandable to be angry

Here is what I did when I was exactly where you are

Cease all contact for you because it is hurting you

When she says why you do not need to respond

Let your actions speak louder than your words

Or you can simply restate that you choose not to be in a three way relationship

When she says she loves you

Say no you do not

Someone who loves me does not lie to me and cheat on me

Please stop saying that you love me

It makes a mockery of those words

[NicoleR]

Hi Overrnbw, you have every right to feel that way. You've been dealing with this behavior for months now. It seems like you've kept your composure as much as you possibly could but we all have our breaking points. I think it's good you checked the car app's history to find out where your wife went. It gave you the truth, which is something you need right now to make the right decision. I agree with Gordie's advice and I really do know how hard it is to execute that strategy (cut-off contact) because you're a fair man who loves his wife and wants to give her another chance, but it sounds like involving yourself in this three-way relationship isn't healthy for you and isn't propelling your wife towards ending it with OM. I do believe your wife will figure this out eventually and choose you, because you're her real husband and her home is with you, but she's just not there yet.

If you decided to do any of those extreme actions that you wrote about, like contacting OM, filing for divorce, etc.. then I don't blame you. You don't want to play the role of the fool. If you do something bold and stand up for yourself, even if it's not in line with DB, I still don't blame you because we're all human and we all lose it sometimes. I'm guessing you didn't do any of those things but it's tempting. When my husband first had an affair I wanted to throw his computer out the window and I really thought about doing it. I didn't, but that's how mad I was. I hope you can quickly make some decisions that you feel bring justice to yourself and no longer let your wife take advantage of you.

[Gordie]

Agree with Nicole

The other thing that seems to be hurting you is the physical contact

Only you know that

But when my w was cheating on me

Her touch repulsed me

If you have always freely been physical with your w

Then the 180 speaks volumes

[neffer]

I´m sorry for the last news Over. I agree with the guys, you need a 180 here. You need to detach. Be strong man.