Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

You guys are absolutely right. I have to do what I have to do. Pride or shame shouldn't figure into it.

[hongaku]

I've been feeling a lot more positive, driven and confident for the past several days. Nothing has appreciably changed in my sitch, but I just feel better about life in general. I'm of course worried I'm just on a high part of the roller coaster rather than off of it, but I feel different than perviously. This past weekend I was able to stay much more present for my boys and my vibe was one of peaceful contentment. It's still strange because the sitch isn't really on my mind much less than before, but it's not keeping me in a perpetual state of panic, sadness and frustration.

My interactions with W over the weekend weren’t anything to write home about, but they were friendly and non-combative in any way. She still doesn’t want to really engage in conversation, so I don't push it, but I’m just going to keep being friendly and positive when we see each other. One day at a time.

[Mach1]

That is part of "the bounce". High moments followed by low moments.

The trick is to find an even spot to lay low in. Enjoy the good days and let them carry you through the bad days.

Nothing is as bad as it ever seems, and nothing is as good as it ever seems.

Find a balance to each day, and realize that you can choose a good day, or a bad day.

And the more that you can stay inside of your own noggin, the better for you....

You are doin great....

[NicoleR]

I think Mach's advice is very helpful. Things will keep fluctuating but maybe not as wildly. Hongaku, it sounds like you're starting to build positive momentum. Any job, any quality time with your kids, any friendly interactions with your wife - those are all good steps in the right direction!

[hongaku]

Ugh. I'm sitting here fighting the terrible urge to reach out to W via text just to say hi and ask how things are going. I don't know why it's being such a persistent urge today. I don't feel down or anything, I just want to talk to her. I know it's not what I should probably do, but why do I want to so badly?

[LoneWlf]

Hongaku-do not call it is persuit. Take a minute to examine why you feel this way . Then if you need call a close friend who can help you settle your emotions. Stay Well!

[hongaku]

I know, and I'm not going to do it. It's just extremely frustrating feeling this way. I'm actually in a message exchange right now with my old high school girlfriend whose ex H left her and their 2 kids a few years ago for another woman. She is the girl I lost my virginity to and the last serious relationship I had before my W. I'm talking to her because she has been through the pain of D and having to move forward after. She's with a great guy now (also an LBS himself), and is doing really well. She's giving me good advice and understands where I'm at emotionally having been in a similar position.

[hongaku]

How I'm feeling today, courtesy of the late, great Leonard Cohen:

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing "Hallelujah"

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

[lusa]

Thank you for your input on my thread hongaku, it's very much appreciated.
I read the lyrics above and they touched me, so i played the song and it wrapped it's arms around me!

[Davide]

That is an absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking song, Hongaku. I just put it on.

Thank you for sharing.