WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks Cadet,
I see this is probably a computer generated response. If anyone else is on here reading, feel free to ask me any questions. I'm sure there are many great people on here that can kind of point me in the right direction. My desires are to have my WAW return to her family. I can get any of you up to speed on my sitch.
Thanks in advance for your help.

Lane777

Just FYI those links are pretty good. You'll want to read them more than once!

[LANE777]

So I just got my books today Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. I skimmed through them briefly. It seems that all the advise I'm getting here for a WW is a little different from the books. Does it talk much at all about a WW in a current affair. It seems I may be on the last resort technique. Which one would you suggest I read first?

Last night the W told me she was tired and wanted to stay home and rest instead of seeing the kids for a while. LIE.
She said she would call my D later...about 9:30 I texted her to see if she was going to call. She said she was tired and would call. She wasn't home because of course we have to drive by her parents to get home. So disheartening to hear say and do these things and not follow through. She also said she would try to see them today. We haven't heard from her all day. I just hate that she says she wants to see kids and then doesn't make any effort. Very selfish to say the least.

I'm slowly feeling myself wanting to just give up on her all together. She already gave up on me. It makes me so mad that she is doing this to our family, but I can't say a thing. I am still in detach mode. I am trying to be patient.
What do I do from here on out? I think she is so distracted that she doesn't notice anything I do at all.

I guess it is Monday and the beginning of a new week is alway hard isn't it?

[equalzr]

Sorry you have to deal with this Lane. The lying just gets unreal. I mean they lie about almost everything, and 95% of the lies arent even good ones. I wonder if they can think clearly enough to realize that their lies are that transparent or not? My W would be gone for 7 hours to run errands, or go for a ride for 3 hours etc, but those are just the small simple examples. There has been so much time that has gone by that its hard to keep track, i eventually gave up on it.

I can understand the wanting to give up part. Ive been feeling like that lately. Its tough, after all shes done, and she doesnt seem to want me or our M either. It definitely isnt the same person any more in my case. Ive found out details of the A when I use to snoop, and like they say sometimes your better off not knowing.

I cant believe how easily they justify blowing their kids off. My W is still at home so she sees S regularly, but dissapears until 3/4 a.m., or dissapears for 7 hour stretches for no reason. She has yelled at my S in the past for asking where she was going or when she was coming home that night.

[LANE777]

journaling

Today is Monday...ugh. Some days are very easy and I feel like Im making progress with my self. Then there is days like today that I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I miss my old life. It wasn't bad at all. It was calm and simple and fun. I had no idea that my W was up to no good at work and her new found friends and now OM from work. It makes me sick to my stomach that this happened. Now I am playing a game of detach and GAL. I had a life!! I was a great father and still am. I was active and always going! I was a family man. I go to work and bust my a$$ and then come home and hang with the fam. Now its empty and lonely. I know there is millions of fish in the sea. But I have 4 kids with the one fish that fell into a fantasy of lies and false happiness. And also telling me our marriage wasn't that great etc. UNBELIEVABLE !! We haven't heard from her all day. Thats okay. I think we need a good week or 2 under our belts. I know she will text tomorrow for something about kids. Its been 3 weeks today since she told me she wanted the D. I guess the good part is nothing has happened that I know of as far as Lawyers and filing and D classes. It gives me time to detach and 180 and act like nothing is bothering me. Its turmoil to the extreme. I pray everyday and night for something to fall my way. I pray that she and other man will encounter influences that will break the fog. Now thats desperation right there. I feel that once the fantasy is lifted she will realize her choices were horrible. We really did have a good life so its so difficult for me to understand all of this. All because of a grocery store co worker. So pathetic isn't it? I remember when I was begging and pleading. I was telling W that she was better than this. We are better than this. And apologizing that it got to this point. Now I know it was her that put us in this sitch. Its so humiliating. I often tell my self "this is so stupid, how did this even happen"? Its a reality I never knew existed and feel this is my biggest trial in life. I desperately want this to end so bad. I want my family back in the worst way. Tomorrow is a new day. My kids will be home alone being raised by video games and youtube...maybe just maybe the W will spend a little time with them. I think the affair will get worse from here on out before it will get better. Something I have to deal with and have to kinda let it run its course. My oldest D tells me to just relax and she will figure it out someday. She also tell me that I should never take her back if she does come back. Now thats a 15 year old D that should not be going through this either. I sent her to my sisters in Boston. She has spent 2 weeks there and doesn't want to come home. I don't blame her one bit. The other kids are doing fine but you can see they are sad and want it back to normal. Thats up to to the WW right now and hopefully I get a chance to decide...someday I hope... I can only hope.

[sandi2]

So I just got my books today Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. I skimmed through them briefly. It seems that all the advise I'm getting here for a WW is a little different from the books. Does it talk much at all about a WW in a current affair. It seems I may be on the last resort technique. Which one would you suggest I read first?

I explained this in my first thread about the mindset of a WW. The term wayward is not used in MWD's books. She uses the term, walk-away spouse. It is my opinion that the wayward has a different mindset and has a different agenda than the person who walks away from their M for legitimate reasons. The same basic principles apply. However, the wayward wife usually requires a tougher side of love, due to her disrespectful and rebellious mindset/behavior.

Divorce Remedy is the updated book. It encourages couples to not see divorce as the answer to the problems in their MR.

[equalzr]

Sandi,

i dont mean to hijack Lane's thread, but is that disrespect and rebellion born completely out of the resentment that has built up over the years by the WW? I have a WW in the midst of a MLC. Im starting to believe she gets a rush out of disrespecting me, sneaking around with OM, and leaving trinkets that I believe are from OM but dont have proof, right out in the open in front of me. Im doing a lot of reading but still get confused about the entire pic. So i guess the rules for me are tough love, dont hang out(decline any invite?), set boundaries, and GAL? My wife has been cake eating for a long time unfortunately.

Id appreciate any advice you have about my sitch,mythread

[LANE777]

Journaling
Well its been a couple of days fo no contact. I did have to text about our children going to cousins house for the rest of week etc. But is was nothing. Still detaching and trying not to think about every little thing.
I so wonder if the WW ever thinks about me in a good way. I think the last couple of days has given her plenty of time with the AP.
Does anyone ever get that gut feeling that what they're doing will never work out? And by the time they figure it out it might be way too late?

I keep reading these WW forums over and over and doing homework to get myself in a the best possible position. I don't want to make any mistakes. Its just you never know when the opportunities present themselves to take action.
Ive been trying so hard to be patient like everyone. I feel like I should be doing more to fix the MR. But now I know its the detach method. The less you do for them is creating an opportunity in the future hopefully.

I see a few new people have popped onto the DB forums. Wow this is a crazy world we live in.

Lane

[AndrewP]

Hi Lane777

I posted to you a while ago. Not sure if you recall or not. I'm having a quiet evening with a nice glass of cider after a long tough day and noticed your thread again and your question.

The road you are walking down, which I have myself walked on a similar path will be the toughest you ever do. From occasional browsing of your thread I see you asking the same questions I did myself 2 years ago. "Do they realize what they did", "do they care".

As is often written here - this is indeed a marathon and not a sprint - and to for you, to an uncertain destination. Both your and your W's destinations are unmapped.

Since she moved out a bit over 2 years ago I've had minimal contact with my now ex-wife. That didn't stop me and doesn't stop me from wondering what she's thinking or if she has regrets. We project on them our own worries and love, but they have changed and those projections don't stick.

My ex-wife left to chase after a slightly better off man and to pursue her "happiness". The last recollection I have of her in person last November and on security cameras when she went through the last pass through the house this past March (if memory serves) was of a beaten down and very angry woman. I think that this is somewhat typical.

I have mutual friends who pass on to me from time to time impressions of the life she leads - living in a small apartment over a liquor store - occasionally going on excursions with OM partly funded I am sure with the support payments I make. She is a sad and angry woman. But her sadness is all about her condition and not about those she left behind. She hasn't seen her daughter since 2015 when we were still together and our son who lives with me she sees maybe 3-4 times a year despite her living only 10 minutes away. See Irish's thread for an even more extreme example of how that path can lead.

I'm at a point now and have been for a while where I recognize how dysfunctional our marriage was in several ways. There was little reciprocity - in many ways I carried the relationship for both of us.

A "giant" of a man who was here who I am humbled by his postings to me - Jack_Three_Beans - once requested that I take off my rose coloured glasses and look at my former marriage honestly. Have you done this? I can wait while you do so. Read back in my own threads if you have a lot of patience for nonsense and drama. But there are many many pearls of wisdom kindly posted by others to me that may be helpful for you.

From my occasional browsing of your thread I've seen that you've learned the lesson that you can't change or affect your W nor the path that she has set her feet upon.

I expect you can accept my comment that for now that it's all about her and her issues and that you as the "left behind family" are at best in a cracked rear-view mirror. Mostly she sees herself. In many cases if she does see you, she sees you as the cause of her problems.

Tough words to swallow I know.

One thing that Jack wrote that resonates with many of us - check out Westo's thread please. She is a lovely lady who has become a dear friend. I'm going to paraphrase because I'm too lazy to pick up the exact quote. "The path back doesn't come as a revelation. It starts as a whisper of doubt".

What I realized moderately early on, but it took me a very long time to accept was that my ex-wife did not and does not have the courage to walk the path of humility that would be necessary for me to accept her back. The choice was mine to tell her that I was done waiting for her to make up her mind. The choice was her's to not walk that path.

I am walking my own path.

[LANE777]

Good evening

Hi Andrew, of course I remember your post. You were one of the first to reply to my sad state of existence. Yes I am walking unknown roads that are rough and unforgiving to the soul. Everyone one here is or was in the trial of their life.
I don't feel so new since Ive noticed a few new ones in the last few days. And oh my how my heart goes out to some of these folks. Its amazing that we make friends with complete strangers only to find some of the most amazing people on the planet in a DB Forum. We all have a sad story. We take advise from folks that have been there and done that. We try to build everyone up even on our worst days. It does make me sad to hear that some of these LBH are still living the nightmare after years. But even more so the WW is too prideful that they would rather live miserable and unhappy. I briefly went and browsed through some of your old posts and plan on reading more since I have all this new time on my hands.
I have looked back on my marriage and do recall some of the not so good or life sure is dull moments. But never really noticed anything so serious as to bring it to this. Then again the way it is explained in the book by Michelle. I was going on with life like it was fine and she was on her way out as soon as the time was right.


Sandi,
Tonight I have my two youngest and they wanted to go see their mom. So I noticed her that we would come by. She came out and saw the kids. She looked very very sad. I told her on wanted to trade her cars. I bought her a sporty red car 2 weeks before she split. I drive her old Yukon, its nice but you know its the whole point. She said for what for a few days? I said no " for good". I said the Yukon was what you wanted and that I never wanted it but now Im stuck with it. It kind of upset her. So anyways she said shouldn't we talk about this another time with out kids? I shrugged my shoulders but then realized I need to back off a little. My little asked if he could stay with her. I said sure. So I left. I came home and got him some clothes and went back. She came out...she still looked really really sad...I said whats wrong?
She said " You'll will be glad to hear that me and the OM are not a thing anymore" I just stood there. And then I said well to be honest it was never right to begin with and it would never last. Inside I was thinking this is awesome. But now she is grieving over the OM and is really having a hard time. This is where I need Sandi. I basically said well when you wanted to be separated you told me you wanted to just go be you and find yourself and then you hook up with some dude you work with. I said, what you really need to do is do what you told me and everyone else you were going to do. I said You need to be by yourself and figure yourself out. I asked if she would like a hug and she said no. I said thats fine and then I pretty much left.
So now I am home. I know I'm still deep in the woods and no where near out. I am glad the affair maybe over for now who knows...I'm not an idiot to think he's out of the picture . I really think she believes it was going to work and probably still thinks about that. So whats my next move???? I believe its still GAL and be the best version of me as possible. Maybe she blames me for the break up from OM. Although this was wonderful news to hear, Im still standing on shaky ground. And to see her hurt for another man is a different feeling of its own. Wow ...enough rambling for now. Whats everyones thoughts?

[AndrewP]

Lane - let things be for now is my suggestion.

Just because she broke up with "this" OM doesn't mean that she wants her old life and family back. She's got a lot to process and that may include continuing to "explore her options".

One thing that was written to me a "lot" was that we as the LBS should not be a Plan B. It's easy to accept being a Plan B. My feelings at the time were that it was better to be a Plan B than a Plan Nothing.

Over time though I realized that unless SHE fundamentally changed and was willing to do the hard work to win back my trust and my heart that there was no future possible for us together.

My ex to the best of my knowledge hasn't changed and perhaps never will. It would only be if you see signs of fundamental change. True regret. Working on being a better person regardless of whether you are willing to take her back or not that I would suggest that you then consider opening your arms and trust again.