Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

Im worried my W may have some other issues. Shes probably apologized to me 2 times in 20 years, and those were half hearted. I dont see how she could ever come out of a MLC with an A, and show full repentence, admit everything, and seek forgiveness(even over a long peruod of time).

Stubborn pride is a terrible thing in a relationship. From the stories I've read over the years, many women try to pick up where the MR left off when they became involved in an A. They just want to slither in under the back door and not have to apologize or own their horrible behavior. They go back in, still blaming the LBS and still have the bad attitude, coldness, etc. This is where the LBS should push the brakes and say, "Hold up, b/c it's not that simple anymore". The LBS should have certain stipulations before the wayward spouse can resume their place in the MR. IMHO, this would be easier to acquire, if the couple are not living under the same roof at the time. It's much harder if they are already living together.

I hope you guys will pay close attention, please. I've seen those who just wanted the wayward spouse back, regardless if there was an apology, a talk, transparency plan, MC......or anything. They never required anything from their wayward spouse. Well, guess what? They were treated like garbage! If you don't set certain requirements for a reconciliation, and she's already living under the same roof with you..........then you probably will never get it at a later time. You cannot make this too easy for a wayward. They need to work to get back what they had. Speaking as a former WW, I can tell you men that she's not going to respect you whatsoever if you don't require that she take responsibility for her affair, apologize, answer any questions you may have about the affair, and anything else that you need in order to feel safe with her. If you don't require anything from her, you will be living in an unhappy MR from then on.

I've seen cases where the WW would try to slip back in without apologizing or anything, and the LBH should have told her that he would not agree to reconcile until she could show him she was serious about doing whatever it took to save their M. In some instances, she needed IC before resuming the MR......b/c her head may still be messed up, and b/c she has messed up her life and the lives of her family. Some couples need professional MC to get back to a healthy enough place to reconcile.

I'm just saying not to be too quick to take the wayward spouse back......just to have them back again. That is not what saves the M. The work is not automatically over when they come back. In fact, it's just starting, especially for the wayward.

BTW, thanks for all the replies to the thread.