Well I'm flattered that you called me out specifically, but there are a lot of great people here with awesome advice so don't sell anyone short
Originally Posted by Jlh
So all of July H was becoming more open and friendlier, even standing at the steps watching a few minutes of TV and commenting on it and starting conversations.
OK, so these are what Michele calls "baby steps" and it's exactly what you hope to see when DB'ing. But a lot of people have your same reaction to baby steps- they think it signals a turnaround and they break into full blown pursuit. And what happens is exactly what you experienced- they get a big ol' slap of reality upside the head. A key component of DB'ing is PATIENCE. You can't rush it. The WAS is on a long journey and nothing you do will speed them along, but there's a lot you can do to slow them down and pursuit is at the top of the list.
So where do you go from here- you pick yourself up, you learn from your mistakes and you keep moving forward. The next time you decide an R talk is in order then STOP and REMEMBER what happened this time. It's the same thing that will happen every time you push for an R talk.
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I called him that night and kind of let him have it and cried. I know it's not the DB thing to do but I told him that I loved him, this isn't my H, etc. I know it wasn't the best thing to say to him but he just kept saying he was sorry. He says he's hoping that we can be friends and laugh and talk again. I had mentioned that I miss laughing and talking with him.
That just all looks very desperate and needy to him, and that is not attractive at all. You've got to detach and become strong and independent. THEN he might wonder what he's missing.
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Our mutual friend is worried for us both and called him this morning asking what is going on.
No no noooooo. This has got to stop. You do NOT want your mutual friends, family or ANYONE contacting him on your behalf because again, that just makes you look desperate and pathetic. It will look to him like you are "rallying the troops against him" which will just push him farther away.
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Later when he picked up our son for the night, I saw that I took a bunch of our photos down from the walls and he had another sad look.
That sounds like a lot of mind-reading. Why did you take the pictures down, for you or to get a reaction out of him? One is detaching, the other is desperation.
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As they were leaving, I mentioned the therapy session I have tomorrow and asked if he'd still want to go with me like we talked about and he just had a blank face and looked upset.
No you don't want him to go and you need to quit inviting him because that is pressure and pursuit.
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I screwed everything up for DB.
Well you did, but it's OK, you can start over again with your DB'ing. You've set yourself back to square one and hopefully you see and will remember that it backfired in a huge way and maybe that will help give focus to your DB'ing now.
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I just don't understand how he is apparently upset that he feels like he has to leave us and says that he wants us to laugh and talk again and be friends again like we were. I just don't get it, can someone help me understand this?
Yes it's classic cake-eating. He wants a new single lifestyle but he wants to cling to part of his old married life as well.
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It's like when he calls he's pushing to find random little things to talk about after we discuss our son or any house details but I pull back and casually end the call.
Yes that's usually how it works, if you can effectively detach then the WAS will usually start temp-checking. It doesn't mean they've changed their mind (he hasn't), just keep doing what you're doing.
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I actually have been working on getting my finances in order like paypal for my etsy shop, looking into accountants for my contracting job, etc. It feels good to have control like I did when I was younger before I turned into a stay at home wife, got lazy and lost myself. I can do this!
Good, these are the kinds of things you need to focus on!
