Jon, Here is my opinion. I wouldn't ask for a "list" of things to talk about. What she wants to hear is what is in your HEART at that moment. So if she tells you what to say then that negates the whole request. If you know that dirty talk would turn her off, then steer clear of that. But I would definitely focus on the lovey dovey things..You're the love of my life, I couldn't live without you...come on, just think of all the sappy love songs out there and start stealin lines from them.
Heavy, What's going on with you today? How are you feeling, honey? I'm thinking of you and your situation. Hope you are feeling better.
Quote: But I would definitely focus on the lovey dovey things..You're the love of my life, I couldn't live without you...come on, just think of all the sappy love songs out there and start stealin lines from them.
Sigh. I don't talk like that. I don't listen to those songs. They sound so hokey to me. This may take some retooling and rethinking...
Jonathan
P.S. Can't I just quote some classic sonnets? Guess not...
You give great advice and this one was no exception. My question is, how does a SSHD get past the hurt/rejection to say the loving things you speak of? I'm a pretty quiet guy and the words I say really mean something to me. I just can't say loving words from my heart just to make someone feel good. Unless my sexual needs are met, I can't "put it on" and say those kind of words. Perhaps I really am shallow/incapable of emotion/perverted as I've heard for many years.
I've never been through it, but I think I feel just as betrayed as if W had an A. In fact, I don't think I'd be bothered to find out if she was. I'd think/feel, "So what's new? She betrayed me 22 years ago."
If someone can tell me how to do this, I'd really like to know.
Quote: My question is, how does a SSHD get past the hurt/rejection to say the loving things you speak of? I'm a pretty quiet guy and the words I say really mean something to me. I just can't say loving words from my heart just to make someone feel good.
It's really a hard situation, CD - believe me, I know. Somehow, you have to find a way to rise above your feelings of hurt, humiliation, anger, and rejection and show your wife some forgiveness. I'm not saying it's easy. I'll share this because I know you're a Christian: I'm reminded of Jesus on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" And yet who ultimately showed forgiveness to us all?
Try just forgiving one little thing, just for a day, and tell her one little loving thing. In other words, don't try to fill up the whole bucket, just put a couple of drops in and see what happens. And, most of all, be patient - that is the HARDEST thing about this, it really is.
Well Mike, the original question was from Jon re: what to talk about during sex. His wife asked him to talk to her and he was at a loss for words. So I was giving him suggestions about what to say when they are already having sex.
As far as what to say when you are still sex starved, hmmm, that is tough as you well know. I think (like heavyheart) that we as Christians are called to be giving and loving people regardless of what we are getting in return. Easier said than done. I find that I have a hard time with "in person" encounters when I am feeling starved. I do better with emails or small written notes. Maybe that would be easier for you too.
Jonathan, regarding the sonnets, oh my you are way beyond sappy songs arentcha. I suggested that b/c I thought those cliches might stick in your brain easier and be easier to retrieve at that moment, when your brain won't be working optimally. However, if sonnets are what is in your heart then go for it! I think she just wants to hear that you love her and how devoted you are to her and her body. For some women, silence is a killer. They start wondering, Who is he thinking about? WHAT is he thinking about?? Is it ME? Etc. I don't suffer from this anxiety (thank goodness) but I can see how it would put a damper on sexual feelings!
Quote: Jonathan, regarding the sonnets, oh my you are way beyond sappy songs arentcha. I suggested that b/c I thought those cliches might stick in your brain easier and be easier to retrieve at that moment, when your brain won't be working optimally.
I'm media impaired. I've never listened to much pop or rock music. And neither has my wife.
Quote: However, if sonnets are what is in your heart then go for it! I think she just wants to hear that you love her and how devoted you are to her and her body. For some women, silence is a killer.
I can figure out ways to say that I am devoted to her.
It's a lot harder to figure out ways to say that I am devoted to her body. She's not beautiful in the conventional way, and would never win a beauty contest, but I still find her body captivating, mainly because she's inside.
Honestly, she's asked if I think she's beautiful, and I haven't known how to answer the question.
I think at the time, I answered something like, "you're not beautiful in the conventional way, and would never win a beauty contest, but I still find your body captivating, mainly because you're inside."
You're right, "yes" would have been a better answer ... and not a dishonest one.
bolete, Give her a hug and try something like "You look absolutely gorgeous tonight and I can't wait for bedtime". I use this one occasionally. It usually gets a wry smile. SD
