Do i miss her sometimes? Yea, i do. Do i wish we were still together and happy? Yes. Do i recognize the massive abuse she put me through? You bet. Would i allow such abuse again? Never Can i recognize that despite missing her, or R is dead and she is an abusive partner, and i deserve better? YES.
Do i have the right to want to know as much as I can to keep myself safe and healing? Yes. I do.
Does that mean that I want her back, that I am obsessed or deliberately denying detachment? No. It doesnt.
Agree with everything except: "Do i have the right to want to know as much as I can to keep myself safe and healing? Yes. I do."
First, knowing as much as you can has zero to do with being safe and healing. Second, a "right" is still trying to exert control over her. In reality you have no right to knowledge she doesn't want to share. Why? Because you cannot control her. Second, because no one EVER knows the entire truth. This is even true when you are in a MR with another person! That is why self-differentiation is so important in a MR. You cannot control the other person. They are going to think what they want, feel what they want, and do what they want. When we are unhealthily attached is when we feel out of control when we can't control our spouse. When we are self-differentiated then we are healthy and safe despite what we don't know.
This is especially true once we encounter a WAS scenario. This is why detachment is so important. Because that separation, for the overly attached, is a scary place to be. And without differentiating....without detaching, we will emotionally continued to hold on for dear life.
The only right you have is the right to know anything that affects your son's well-being. Above and beyond that, there is no such thing as a right to knowledge.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
