Still Navigating

[DonH]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating more than one guy at the same time. Sleeping with multiple guys... well that might be different but most certainly not with dating multiple guys. The challenge may come in being fully invested or present with both or all. Many people, especially women, tend to focus on one guy at a time. Back in my OLD days I used to marvel at how I'd be talking or even just emailing with someone and she would only have a first date scheduled and tell me that she wanted to see where that goes. Now, it may have been their way of politely declining but I'm positive that at least with some of them, they were totally honest. I could never get this - how can someone be so desperate (which is how I saw it) to have only a first date planned - that might cancel or the guy may not even show - yet she was willing to toss other guys aside. It was a clear indication that person was NOT for me. Now, however, I more think it's how some people are wired. Even though I totally could date someone else in my current situation, I'm not sure I would. It's not the same but even a few weeks back I was only even flirting with others because I was sensing hesitance or distance. Had I not, I may have just stayed with one person. Maybe it's my age??? I know when I was younger... LOL. Anyhow, it can be a challenge for many, but in your specific sitch, I'd strongly suggest you do it if you feel at all that you can. At least give it a try!

I think I gave it up so quick because I knew he wasn't looking for these things, so I figured "why not fulfill my needs?" we did have that really strong attraction, so I went with it.

I know I've commented before how rationalization is the second strongest human drive. If this is just face-saving rationalization, I'm very willing to let it pass. I just don't want it getting lost. I say this because there was just no way at the time you could be sure what he was and wasn't looking for. Yes, he said he wasn't looking but you were certainly hoping and you can just never tell. There was more to it than just a "why not." Don't lose this learning opportunity by passing it off. I really do think that the advice more and more of us have recently provided holds. Even in HC's case, I think he would be acting differently if he didn't think he's all set where he's at and can come get some whenever he's ready - if that's even his subconscious thought. Make these guys earn it. Don't just give it out freely. It really does matter.

Now, what to do with HC... I'd just let it play out. You know what it is. If you are fine with that, it might even keep you from giving it up too soon to one of these other guys if you have HC as a FWB. I'm not saying you should do this but you kind of have spelled it out here so I'm just going with it. Yes, there are guys out there who will communicate. I'm one of them. Even for those who don't do a lot of communicating, HC seems really on the low end of the scale. For certain let him come to you. If having him in your head will prevent you from going out with and being fully present with someone else, then for sure he has to go. If, however, you can keep him for what he is and still date others, well heck, then DO IT!

And there is simply no way I could let this one go - he's a musician??????????? OMG, what's to decide? although, he's more of a teacher it sounds like than a player (no pun intended). In the band circles, that actually sometimes makes a difference - without getting too much into it here. Still, I've got some friends who are incredible stage musicians and performers who also teach band in high school - this is again not always the case as they are different skill sets. I would very much stink as a music educator. I just would. Just keep the triple it rule in place. Don't get ahead of yourself, even though he seems more interested in finding someone than HC is.

Lastly, remember how many of us said you'll need to date likely 20 or 30 guys before you find the right one? Well... you've clicked off several more. You are getting better at dating every time. You just never know when someone who is a really good match comes along.