You guys are right. It's weird because me and this guy have been chatting all day. He is very relationship oriented and I almost feel bad doing this to HIM while I am seeing someone else.
I am definitely not a woman to date 2 people at a time.
I am rethinking everything. I should really just stop thinking though.
I know I shouldn't have given out the dessert so soon. I know I will not hear from HC until sometime next week. He just isn't "there".
I can't deny I want something that has R potential. I have to go about it differently.
JOb, you are right, he really isn't offering me anything right now. And thank you. I am slowly beginning to re-realize my worth.
Sit down and really think about what you want out of a relationship. What is it that you want? I think the people you date need to see that you are very serious about wanting to get to know them (with their clothes on, not off for a period of time (LOL!)), share info w/them and to have a good time and creating a meaningful relationship. Don't be afraid to talk about what you are looking for in a relationship. It's best to be up front so that they know you are not playing around here for one night stands...but looking for a meaningful relationship that could very well last a long time. If you don't share your thoughts on what you want and need, they won't know.
I think you are a beautiful woman who needs to love and respect yourself for who you are and what you have accomplished. You have a lot to offer to a man and that doesn't mean giving up the dessert quickly. Let the man see that you are an intelligent, kind, compassionate woman who is willing to try new things. They need to see that you aren't all "fluff and a booty call". They need to see that you are serious about a real relationship. If they don't like the fact that dessert isn't being served for a while, then they aren't the ones for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think just go out with the relationship seeking guy on a few casual dates. Keep it at friends length. That way there is no deception. You are just seeing if you like him. If you decide you want to make it more, then you can break things off with HC. You dont have to tell this new guy any specifics regarding HC. If he asks, you can say "i am not involved in anything serious right now. Just casually getting to know people. However, I would like to be serious and exclusive with the right person"
I have never in my life dated more than one guy at once. (finding one is hard enough!!). It does feel weird.
Me and BandGuy (He teaches high school band) texted all day yesterday. There was nothing to do at work and he was on the way back from a road trip with his kids and parents and he wasn't driving, so we could chat. He got home, I went home from work, and around 10pm he texted me again, We chatted for 2 hours! He is such a different creature. His parents have been married for 56 years. He saw himself being the same way. He has really strong values and morals. His wife out of no where asked for a divorced and left for her BF who is in her kids lives. He says she is a great mom and the kids love the BF so he is fine with it. He travels a lot which is pretty cool. He did have one long term GF since the divorce. We had great convo. He lives pretty close to me. A super involved and loving father. Adores his kids and would do anything for them.
he's also pretty cute. Tall Italian guy (usually they don't go together, hahaha). I actually messaged him. I am glad he responded. Problem being with kids schedules, my ex has to take D on Tuesday night for her cousins birthday dinner and it is his actual birthday, so we can't get together. I am trying to find a sitter for a few hours Wednesday. My BFF's H might be able to take D10 for a few hours with his kids. Then he goes away on vacay the next day. So, kids schedules are always tough.
HC actually did text me last night. I was shocked. He took a pic of his kids eating dinner at his house and sent it to me. I told him he has the cutest dinner dates and left it at that.
Job, sometimes I am afraid to say what I am looking for in an R. I do know exactly what I want. I am afraid I won't get it though. I want a partner, a friend, someone who is monogamous, not afraid to share feelings, I want someone to ask me how my day was. I have come home alone for so many years and have had no one to share anything with. It's the simple things like that I want. I want someone to not be afraid to be emotionally connected. Eventually someone who loves my daughter.
I think I gave it up so quick because I knew he wasn't looking for these things, so I figured "why not fulfill my needs?" we did have that really strong attraction, so I went with it.
I need to be honest with myself and others about what my goals are and what I want. Even if they go running for the hills. SO be it.
I think I bring a lot to the table aside from dessert. Dessert is a bonus. If me and BandGuy go out and connect. He won't be getting dessert until we date for a while. He seems like the type that is fine with that. He wants more out of a woman.
I am so looking forward to this weekend. Let the good times roll!
Wonderful weekend was had. I took today off of work and kept D10 out of camp because we didn't get home until 11, and I was on the road for over 3 hours. Our census is low and this is when they encourage you to take your time, so I did. We looked at a house today (ironically, around the corner from exH's childhood home) and we put a bid on it. It was kind of perfect for us. It is small, but functional...… but has the potential for a finished basement which will double the size of the house. The guy who lives there takes impeccable care of it. It is below my budget. It is flood insurance required, which is fine, I am getting an exact quote right now, but it's less than an HOA fee. It has to much potential but works great as it is. I will refinish the hardwood floors before I go in and possibly do a bathroom reno. right off the bat.
As far as my sad dating life. Haven't heard from HC since the pic Friday night. I am realizing, this doesn't work for me. I have been chatting a lot with bandguy. He even checked to make sure I got home safe yesterday. HC has no idea what my plans were this weekend, never reached out about my weekend. Didn't bother to try to make plans. Screw this, quite honestly. This bandguy may not work out, we have never met, but atleast I know there are somewhat attentive men out there. This guy you can tell really does want a partner. It is a little obvious he is mourning the death of the life he thought he would have. He's a family man.
I just know HC is just kind of getting his when I give him the opportunity. He's just not there. I've stood pretty solid on not reaching out and I am not going to. he needs to and make a date. But in the meantime I am planning my free childless time. ANd I hope I can make it work or a date with band guy.
I'm glad you had a good weekend. You deserve and need that to recharge your battery. Also, glad you took today off and spending some time w/your D.
I hope that you get the opportunity to get to purchase the home, if that is the one you want. You will be surprised at all you can do on your own when it comes to remodeling. I'm sure that if you get this home, you will make it beautiful and in your style. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your D. It's time the tide changed for you ladies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
House sounds nice. Just make SURE that any offer you make is contingent upon you being satisfied with the results of an inspection. And hire a GOOD inspector.
As for needing the flood insurance - is there some way to determine how often that neighborhood has flooded in the past?
Bandguy sounds like a good prospect, you should at least meet him for coffee. It's good to keep meeting people. And it's promising that he's a good communicator. If HC goes more than 2 weeks before he contacts you again, you might consider turning him down by just saying "You know, I really enjoyed spending time with you but I really want someone who is more interested in me." That's all you need to say.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating more than one guy at the same time. Sleeping with multiple guys... well that might be different but most certainly not with dating multiple guys. The challenge may come in being fully invested or present with both or all. Many people, especially women, tend to focus on one guy at a time. Back in my OLD days I used to marvel at how I'd be talking or even just emailing with someone and she would only have a first date scheduled and tell me that she wanted to see where that goes. Now, it may have been their way of politely declining but I'm positive that at least with some of them, they were totally honest. I could never get this - how can someone be so desperate (which is how I saw it) to have only a first date planned - that might cancel or the guy may not even show - yet she was willing to toss other guys aside. It was a clear indication that person was NOT for me. Now, however, I more think it's how some people are wired. Even though I totally could date someone else in my current situation, I'm not sure I would. It's not the same but even a few weeks back I was only even flirting with others because I was sensing hesitance or distance. Had I not, I may have just stayed with one person. Maybe it's my age??? I know when I was younger... LOL. Anyhow, it can be a challenge for many, but in your specific sitch, I'd strongly suggest you do it if you feel at all that you can. At least give it a try!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think I gave it up so quick because I knew he wasn't looking for these things, so I figured "why not fulfill my needs?" we did have that really strong attraction, so I went with it.
I know I've commented before how rationalization is the second strongest human drive. If this is just face-saving rationalization, I'm very willing to let it pass. I just don't want it getting lost. I say this because there was just no way at the time you could be sure what he was and wasn't looking for. Yes, he said he wasn't looking but you were certainly hoping and you can just never tell. There was more to it than just a "why not." Don't lose this learning opportunity by passing it off. I really do think that the advice more and more of us have recently provided holds. Even in HC's case, I think he would be acting differently if he didn't think he's all set where he's at and can come get some whenever he's ready - if that's even his subconscious thought. Make these guys earn it. Don't just give it out freely. It really does matter.
Now, what to do with HC... I'd just let it play out. You know what it is. If you are fine with that, it might even keep you from giving it up too soon to one of these other guys if you have HC as a FWB. I'm not saying you should do this but you kind of have spelled it out here so I'm just going with it. Yes, there are guys out there who will communicate. I'm one of them. Even for those who don't do a lot of communicating, HC seems really on the low end of the scale. For certain let him come to you. If having him in your head will prevent you from going out with and being fully present with someone else, then for sure he has to go. If, however, you can keep him for what he is and still date others, well heck, then DO IT!
And there is simply no way I could let this one go - he's a musician??????????? OMG, what's to decide? although, he's more of a teacher it sounds like than a player (no pun intended). In the band circles, that actually sometimes makes a difference - without getting too much into it here. Still, I've got some friends who are incredible stage musicians and performers who also teach band in high school - this is again not always the case as they are different skill sets. I would very much stink as a music educator. I just would. Just keep the triple it rule in place. Don't get ahead of yourself, even though he seems more interested in finding someone than HC is.
Lastly, remember how many of us said you'll need to date likely 20 or 30 guys before you find the right one? Well... you've clicked off several more. You are getting better at dating every time. You just never know when someone who is a really good match comes along.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
although, he's more of a teacher it sounds like than a player (no pun intended). In the band circles, that actually sometimes makes a difference - without getting too much into it here. Still, I've got some friends who are incredible stage musicians and performers who also teach band in high school - this is again not always the case as they are different skill sets. I would very much stink as a music educator. I just would. Just keep the triple it rule in place. Don't get ahead of yourself, even though he seems more interested in finding someone than HC is.