WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[sandi2]

You always enlighten me on what I am thinking and also give me a different point of view as well. So far I think your dead on when it comes to me or the LBH. We want them to feel remorse and guilt so bad. We want them to feel the hurt they've caused.

By the time the wayward enters her rebellious stage, her mindset is so warped and she's just thinking everything negative about her H. I mean, she blames him for everything bad in her life. She may demonize him to her friends or mother.....whoever. Her sense of entitlement rises and the selfishness just seems to take over. When she crosses that line that brings a third party into the MR (whether it is an EA or PA), the fog prevents her from seeing objectively. I mean, she knows she is doing very wrong. That's why the affair is usually secretive. But I don't know if she really sees the degree of pain it's causing.....or if she's just so caught up in the thrill of the secret affair that she just doesn't care. I think she puts on blinders....….especially where the kids are concerned. I don't know that for a fact, I'm just sharing my thoughts based on the countless experiences I've read.

Does the fantasy eventually come crumbling down?

I think it does when that fantasy involves another real person. IMHO, women who have fantasies about a fictional character in a novel, or even some celebrity...., can keep that fantasy going for the rest of their life. The reason is b/c they know it's not real. However, it affects her MR in a very real negative sense, b/c she compares her H to the fictional romantic character. Many H's would laugh it off if they read this, b/c they don't understand the power of the imagination. She reads these romance novels, watches love stories on TV, and fantasizes about being with that character. Then when her H wants to make love, her attraction for him falls short, b/c he can't measure up to the fictional character. I know it sounds nuts, but it happens all the time. I believe Cadet's W had an imaginary affair, and it was strong enough to tear that relationship apart, so men should not laugh it off and think there is nothing to worry about.

An EA can go on for a very long time, also. It just depends on the individual stitch. When the affair has real people in it, then eventually I think someone will usually fall b/c we know human beings can't be perfect. Sadly, some very unwise decisions can be made before the WW gets her eyes opened to her reality. As I've mentioned in my first thread about WW's, I think the LBH can help by not enabling her. Let her see how things will be without him in her life. Let her experience the reality. Too many H's are afraid to stand up to the W and not give in to her demands. Then when she cries that her life is too hard, he wants to run in and recue her.

It's like the parable of the son who left home and squandered his inheritance by living on the wild side, having one big party...….and finally one day he saw how far he had fallen, b/c he was in a pig pen. His eyes were opened and he thought about his father back home. You know the rest of that story, I'm sure. I think the same is true for the WW, except in some cases she has divorced her H and married her affair partner......or, the LBH has become so disgusted with her that he no longer wants her. So, to answer your question, yes, I believe the fantasy does crumble.

I really like your story Sandi. Its about a person who went through hell and back and is here to help guys like me who don't have a clue. You tell it like it is!! I like the reminders cause thats what us men need.

Oh, that is so encouraging! Thank you very much.

It makes me wonder what issues will start to surface that will make W see its just fantasy and not so real.

I think she has to suffer some type of loss as a consequences of her decision to rebel against her H & MR. It might be just one thing, or it could be a total of things that finally get her attention. And, I think she has to see that connection, that it is the consequences for the decisions she made.

I can see in hindsight how things started falling.....getting me ready for the big shock. At first, it was seeing little flaws in the OM. I didn't want to see them, either, so I tried to make excuses for him. I had planned to tell my grown kids that I was considering leaving their dad, and of course, I was going to make him sound pretty bad. So, I tell one, and he runs to the other and first thing I knew...….my oldest was telling me that she knew all about OM, b/c she found my computer history!!! And the only reason she checked is b/c I had left one his messages on the monitor. (See how careless a WW can be?) I couldn't blame my H, or anyone else. I was so humiliated I wanted to die. She read some raunchy stuff. It's not what any mother wants her D to find! Ironically, I had been the spiritual teacher for my children all their lives. I had always tried to live the example before them......and I just ruined my life's work. It was all gone b/c of one careless act by me. I was so concerned how their spiritual lives would be affected b/c of my sinful acts, not to mention that I knew I had lost all the respect they had for me as a Christian. There is more to the story, but that was my loss. It's different for every person,

I am a Christian as well. I believe God is in my corner but can't make choices for us. We all have free agency and will have to answer someday if we don't repent. I believe in forgiveness and it takes a strong person to ask for it, it takes a stronger person to accept forgiveness.

I completely agree.