dropped D off at daycare this morning...tears streaming down my face as I left her. Women don't like men who aren't strong...I'm sorry, I simply can't be strong when giving up half of my chlid's life. If women can't respect/understand that, then I'll live alone the rest of my life.
I believe that I've found more evidence to support there being OM. W not wanting to do anything about trying to work things out, the only possible reason is OM. It's cliche to say as all of us LBS say it, but I must let her go. Need to work on my mind and keep myself from going down memory lane. I am way too weak emotionally to think back into the past. I somehow need to compartmentalize and only allow my mind to think in the present and perhaps peek into the future.
I'm broken on half time with my D. Totally destroyed on that aspect. As for being with W, just haunted by the ghost of who she was. And I failed her, if I had been more of what she needed, even though I didn't know what that was she wouldn't have been tempted/vulnerable to walking away. I have myself to blame for this. I'm sorry all I'm just to work and can barely type this out. Again if women need a strong man, I give up. I'm way too emotional on things like this to be worth a lady taking a shot with me in the future. Bless you all for your support. It means so much to me.
ballast, this is normal for a LBS, especially a LBH to think. You could have been a perfect H and this still could have happened. You have no way of knowing that for sure. Own your part in the failure of the MR. DO NOT OWN HER PART. Short of physical abuse, and few other extremely rare behaviors, there is never an excuse for stepping outside of the bonds of the MR. So no YOU are not to blame for her actions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
B....I lost half of my time with both my daughters but it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I told myself early on it was like I traveled for work and was only home on the weekends, i thought about people in the military who were away from the their families for months, I thought about kids who had their parents die or maybe their parent wanted nothing to do with them and just walked away. It [censored] no lie, it will get better but know that it could be some much worse.
Morning b- Thinking about ya , praying for ya. I am honored to have touched you by simply praying for your family. Listen, there are times that get us so down -where we just want to end it. Or we feel it is just a bad nightmare that should end soon. Unfortunately this is our new reality - something we must face head on. Please do not take all the blame- own what is yours. Failure to communicate needs to you from your W fall on her. Man - I know this su@ks but we need to try to make the best of it. Cling to God - place your troubles at the foot the cross. And be the best you can be - Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
steve...of course you are completely right...my emotions this morning caused me to pity party and go down a tunnel. her leaving especially if OM is involved...there is plenty of our MR for her to own.
joseph...you are right of course as well...the anxiety of dropping D off is the worst part for me. during the time that she is with W I do get along quite well going to the gym, reading, going out, etc...it's the transfer that kills the most. and you are definitely correct that other families/children have it way worse than myself and my D. honestly after experiencing this new reality in my life, I marvel at how military families handle the long term separations. I need to be much more mindful of the blessings I continue to have in my life rather than being envious of those that I no longer have...the loss of time though...any parent who loves their children can appreciate what I'm feelin.
Wlf...you did sir. it's a very touching thing to have someone you don't know praying for you and your family. all that you say I realize...acceptance of the new reality for sure I struggle with...detaching from my W I think I've been doing quite well with..."detaching" from my D in terms of custody...that is the most painful. just have to keep moving forward one day at a time and hope for God's grace, strength and comfort to get me through...
Hey B - not gonna lie, but the most difficult aspect of all of this for me has been having my time with the kids cut in half. I think I can move past whatever W has done, but this is the one piece that I am not sure I will be able to ever get past.
Even though I know that I probably won't ever get past it, I knew that I had to figure out how to cope with this. What J said is totally a positive way of having a healthy coping mechanism.
I also promised myself that I would not waste my time when the kids were not with me. I would do everything in that time to make sure I was growing and making positive changes to become the person I desired to become, and have massive successful outcomes as a parent. And when the kids are with me, I would make sure my time with them was filled with love, joy, and strengthening our relationship. My kids absolutely adore the time they have with me and we have become so much closer now. I have totally improved as a parent and my kids love being around me and we do amazing things together.
So, instead of looking at this as a half empty situation, look at it like how you can squeeze everything out of every second they are with you. Write down a list of what you want your kids to remember about you when you leave this world and then follow through on that.
I am investing in myself every day and I double down on that when they are away from me. Do that and you'll hold your head up high.
Listen, the pain is real and there will always be that ache. But when you maximize 150% of life when they are with you and go the same when they are not, you will be unstoppable. People say it gets easier over time. My take is that it doesn't get easier over time, you just invest in positive coping mechanisms so that you don't fall apart. That investment increases your resilience and will also do the same for your kids - you can show them that they can grow from this situation as well. Be that rock for them. Shower them with love and affection. Listen to them. Laugh and have fun with them. Read to them. Play silly games with them. Give them space to be independent and accept them for who they are. Support them through the hard times and let them figure out solutions to challenges with you being there as support. If you do all of that, you've already won the parenting game compared to most people.
I don't let my ache drag me down. I use my ache to muscle up and grow.
maika...thank you for your reply. yes when D is with me I don't waste a second of that time. nothing in this world matters more to me and she and I stay busy the whole time. I guess that is why the transfer is so painful. for the time we're together as much of my previous life as possible is whole again. its like if W wants to leave, fine, but all of us pay dearly for her decision. and of course I know that's life...
the one area where I need to invest in is maintaining that same level of not wasting time when D is not with me, although at least I don't feel lonely and generally enjoy my time alone...I do know that there are ways that I could more fully maximize that time than I'm doing now. perhaps as I'm only just shy of 5 months into my sitch, allowing myself time to relax, handle stress, get sleep is enough for now...as my process goes so too will my ability to take on more in my alone time.
i've come to realize that all I need to do at this point is let W go, figure out my housing situation for myself and D and get through the D if it comes to that. W has done much to destroy our family and my feelings for her so letting go especially with her having no interest in me is getting easier daily. acceptance is a process and I just have to keep working at it.
Nothing wrong with taking the time to relax, manage stress and get sleep. In the beginning when the kids are not around, you need that. I don't want you to take what I said as you have to be active all the time. I spend my time reading, meditating, listening to podcasts, making new food etc. But I also get good sleep and take care of my stress. I wanted to improve my parenting skills and so I spent a lot of time on that when kids weren't around to understand my behaviors and then see how it went when they came back.
Anyways, it took me a good 7-8 months after BD to get to a place where I felt I wasn't wasting my time when the kids weren't around. It's a process. Be compassionate towards yourself and if sleep and netflix n chill is what you need, then do that for now.
Acceptance takes time. You can pretend to accept things in the beginning to help your healing, but it takes a little while. Again, don't beat yourself up. Take care of physical and mental health and give yourself a break. You're going through some hard $hit. You can't do all what you want to do right away.
maika, yep I get it on not needing to be crazy active all the time and I too definitely want to improve my parenting skills so some of my free time is planning out, thinking about the upcoming time I have with D and what we'll be doing and also sometimes how I might handle better scenarios that came up between us when we were together previously like tantrums, NO!, young children stuff like that.
and yeah...taking care of myself when D is not around, trying to be easy on myself especially when I get to feeling like I was the only one that caused my W to leave...still at a point of self care and preservation for sure.
time...many times I wish I could just fast forward a year...for now on any given day I can swirl from sadness, anger, acceptance, despair, pity, apathy...one day at a time is best I can do and try to get through whatever comes my way internally and externally.
maika, yep I get it on not needing to be crazy active all the time and I too definitely want to improve my parenting skills so some of my free time is planning out, thinking about the upcoming time I have with D and what we'll be doing and also sometimes how I might handle better scenarios that came up between us when we were together previously like tantrums, NO!, young children stuff like that.
and yeah...taking care of myself when D is not around, trying to be easy on myself especially when I get to feeling like I was the only one that caused my W to leave...still at a point of self care and preservation for sure.
time...many times I wish I could just fast forward a year...for now on any given day I can swirl from sadness, anger, acceptance, despair, pity, apathy...one day at a time is best I can do and try to get through whatever comes my way internally and externally.
I forget, are you in IC? IC is so important to sort out these roller-coaster emotions. The people I see struggle the most are not in IC. We often here the "I can't afford it" excuse. In reality, you can't afford NOT to do IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
