Like many other LBSs, I never thought I would be on a website like this.
I was married to my wife earlier last year. We had a rough first year of marriage. I know sometimes the first year is hard, but it was even more so for us as I had two major neck surgeries within the first 7 months of our marriage. The second one caused me to fall into a deep depression for about 2.5 months. We had what I would call normal marriage issues with learning how to communicate, fighting fair, splitting household chores, etc. With my neck issues and depression, I wasn’t able to help out as much as I would normally have, but my wife comes from a family where you don’t share your emotions, and where conflict is always to be avoided. I came from a family where if you aren’t happy with something you share it. I knew this would be a challenge in our marriage, but I stressed to my wife that she never hold anything in.
We didn’t really have any major arguments in our first year, though I would get on her about her spending, as we had a budget set up, but she would continuously blow money when I was focused on saving for a home purchase later in the year. I will admit, I was probably too much of a saver, but when I communicated my unhappiness with spending, she would stonewall me and not ever talk about. I never yelled or cussed at her, but I probably could have shown a little compassion. It just got old after months and months of having the same conversation, especially when I later found out she opened up a credit card without telling me, and one of the later months spent almost $3,000 on the card she shouldn’t have had. Frustrating things, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed through good teamwork.
Another area of conflict we had was I felt that she never truly put me first. Her mother came down for a week or two to visit us about a month after we got married (her family lives out of state). I thought it too soon and that we needed time alone, but I didn’t have a choice as when I told her I would at least like her to run it by me so we can be on the same page, but this never happened. The in-laws would come every couple of months and stay with us for 1-2 weeks. I love the my in-laws, but my biggest issue was that I was never given a say in the matter. If I brought something up, it was “my family lives out of state and they should be able to come any time they want”. I just wanted to be part of the decision and I felt more and more like I was second fiddle to my in-laws.
Fast forward to late December 2017, and I was beginning to come out of my depression thanks to medication. We had a family event in town, and afterwards, my sister mentioned that something was up with my wife. She was being extremely distant and not herself. I had a conversation with my wife about it the next day, and she admitted to distancing herself from me. I was oblivious due to my struggles with overcoming my depression, but she mentioned that she wasn’t happy. She felt neglected, felt she was doing all of the household work, and felt like I wasn’t affirming her through words of affirmation. All of this was not intentional on my part, but was true. I was struggling with my health and depression that I hardly had enough energy to focus on work. I had fallen into a victim mindset, and rather than communicating to her that it wasn’t about her, I tried to be strong. I vowed to do better. The next month I thought things were going well. I was almost out of my depression, I was loving on her daily, helping out with errands, going on more dates and overall showing her she was my everything. I started looking for marriage counselors, but every one that I suggested was shot down for some reason or another. As you can probably tell, too little, too late.
I was on a sales trip for a couple of days, and everything seemed to be fine. I even joked and talked with my wife via text and on the phone on the way home from the airport. Pulled up to our home, open the garage and her car isn’t there. She walks out and hands me a 3 page letter and says she is moving back home. Her parents then pull up in her car and drive her off on their way back to their home about 1500 miles away. In the letter she accused me of being selfish, emotionally and verbally abusing her, etc. I will admit, I was selfish and wasn’t putting her needs first, but I feel like this is something that all newlyweds learn to deal with. I don’t think I was any more selfish than she was. It’s been 6 months since our separation. I originally pleaded and begged her to come back, but that was only the day she left. She said she needed time and space, so I wanted to respect that. I still made mistakes by reaching out every two weeks asking to talk about us and our marriage, which I shouldn’t have done. 3.5 months into the separation she sent me paperwork for a simplified divorce. If signed it would have been a clean break, but I wanted to stand for our marriage so I eventually told her I wasn’t going to sign it, and I wanted to try counseling. She agreed hesitantly, so I flew up to the state she was in and had counseling over a couple of days. Great progress was made, but she couldn’t make a decision on coming back to the marriage yet. A month went by (about a month ago) and she texted me saying there is nothing that would make her comeback to the marriage due to not enough happy memories…
Sorry for being longwinded, but I feel my sitch is a little bit different as there is plenty of evidence to suggest her father is meddling in our marriage. He has been in her ear for months apparently trying to plot out a way to get her back home. He has a horrible marriage of his own, and many friends of mine think with getting my wife back home to live with him and her mother would take pressure off as my wife and her mother are extremely close. He also told me a couple of months after BD that prior to our marriage, he told my wife that if she ever had kids with me and got divorced, she wouldn’t be able to come back home to live with her parents. I should note that her entire family now lives within a couple of acres of where her mom and dad live (sister, her husband and their 3 kids). I also think that my wife being so conflict avoidant is another contributing factor to all of this. I asked her in counseling if she ever thought she communicated her needs or unhappiness with the marriage to me prior to the convo in December, but she said no because she was afraid of how I would react.
I guess right now I am just looking for some advice. I read DR and DB, and have worked on a 180, GAL and to be honest the LRT. It’s hard since there is no communication with my wife and she is over 1500 miles away living at home in a different state. I don’t suspect an affair, and friends and family agree as she is such a timid person. I just don’t know what to do given the dynamics of distance and a meddling father in law. Do you think I should just wait on hearing from her rather than reaching out? My gut says yes, but as it’s been 6 months already, I have been a wreck though I am starting to do better.
Really appreciate any advice that can be offered, and if you need more info for clarity, I would be happy to provide it.
